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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Support Backdated

33 replies

libertysilk · 04/04/2017 15:39

My ex husband avoided paying child support when our son was growing up. Our son is grown up now (21). The CSA contacted me saying my ex husband is working, and I'm entitled to the money he owes me.
My ex husband is in a new relationship, and has a 3 year old child. He's upset to be paying the child support, and told our son. Our son is very upset, feeling I'm taking revenge on his father for taking the money and that I'm taking money from his sister. Our son would like me to give him the money so he can give it back to his sister.
I'm not willing to do that.
I'm so upset with my ex husband for involving our son. I'm entitled to the money. He should have paid it at the time, and this situation would not have occurred.
Our son and I had heated words, about it all, which neither of us needed. We're ok now, but it wasn't a nice situation.
AIBU to keep the money? Should I give it to my son?
I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you

OP posts:

DeadMorose · 04/04/2017 15:42

YANBU to keep the money for yourself. You've gone for years without support from ex, so you were spending your own money to provide for your DS. Which means your ex owes you money.
He should've thought about it earlier.

ASDismynormality · 04/04/2017 15:43

YANBU to keep the money. If you don't need the money put it in savings and you can always offer it to your son as a house deposit in future.

Your hisbamd should be discussing this with your son, he should have paid at the time it was owed then he wouldn't have to pay now!

ASDismynormality · 04/04/2017 15:43

Meant your ex husband shouldn't be discussing it with your son.

BoredOnMatLeave · 04/04/2017 15:44

I think you should keep it. You had to pay for your son alone, its money he owes you. Did your ex assume that raising your son was free?

Jessesbitch · 04/04/2017 15:46

What an absolute xxxx. Yanbu at all.

WateryTart · 04/04/2017 15:59

YANBU. Keep it.

Darbs76 · 04/04/2017 16:01

You're entitled to that money - sorry but why should he get away without contributing atall to his upbringing. Sorry if that's less money for his new family but that's tough. I'm owed thousands but don't ever envisage seeing it

Owllady · 04/04/2017 16:03

I see your ex husband has matured over the years then?
What a tosser

TiredMumToTwo · 04/04/2017 16:07

Keep the money, your ex is a twat for involving your son - shameful!

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/04/2017 16:12

I'm in the same position - bastard owes me over £30,000 from when my five were small and he disappeared.

He restarted payments a few years ago, and is supposed to keep paying me despite all the kids being grown up, until he has cleared the debt (he will be well over 60!). He paid for about a year, and then stopped again. No letters from CMS to say what they are doing about this, I suspect he's not a high priority. So my advice would be to take the money but don't rely on it...

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/04/2017 16:16

I personally wouldn't even want it. I'd be proud of myself that id brought my now adult son up single handedly. Also I would feel guilty taking money away from the little girl and would want him to provide what he could for at least one child, since he was supporting her.

However you need to do whatever you feel is right for you personally in your situation. Is it worth the rift with your son?

Happyandhungry · 04/04/2017 16:17

How much are we talking about?

megletthesecond · 04/04/2017 16:18

Keep the money. Split it with your ds. Pay any debts off you've incurred over the years because he didn't support his son.

megletthesecond · 04/04/2017 16:21

Actually good point gotto . If the payments are so large that his little dd does without then I'd want to find some middle ground and come to an agreement.

TheMerryWidow1 · 04/04/2017 16:28

did your ex-husband worry about his son when he wasn't paying?!! He knows what he is doing involving your son though, tactics. Keep the money and pay off any debts etc, why shouldn't you.

Original poster

libertysilk · 04/04/2017 16:31

We're talking about £145 a month!
My ex-husband has a partner who has a very high powered job and earns a LOT of money. My ex-husband works part-time to visit his daughter and partner, who live in Europe.
I feel very torn! So does my son, who said his father is a 'pr**k" and wishes he wouldn't get him involved.
I feel bad that I could be taking money from a small child. BUT, my ex-husband is a prolific liar, and very manipulative. He's definately lying to our son.
The CSA have been chasing him since 1997. He denied ever being married or having a child to avoid paying. They tried chasing him again about 10 years ago. He begged me to agree to sign something so he didn't have to pay, saying he'd pay me direct. He didn't!

OP posts:

Original poster

libertysilk · 04/04/2017 16:33

Our son never swears, so for him to use a swear word toward his father, I know he's upset!

OP posts:

robinofsherwood · 04/04/2017 16:35

What did you not do so you could manage without maintenance? For my mum (and MIL), it was stuff like paying into her pension & savings. You know stuff that would see her more secure in old age. I didnt go without in any significant sense, she did. This isnt your son's money, he didnt pay for his upbringing alone.

Owllady · 04/04/2017 16:37

I thought it was classed as a debt to the Secretary of state, so I'm not sure why some of you are being so soft.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/04/2017 16:42

I would sit down with your son and listen to him. Tell him that it's good he's concerned for his sister and that it's admirable that he wants to do what he thinks is right. But that his father avoided being fair or honourable when you were raising him. That while you would do it again without thinking twice, he owes the money and if he hadn't been such a poor father and paid when he was meant to, you would be far better off financially and more secure in a number of different ways. His father should be ashamed for bringing him into it and the attempt to manipulate you through using your son, has made you more determined that the right thing should be done, and that means you won't be cancelling his debt.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 04/04/2017 16:43

Take it. Even if you use it in the future to help your son it was money for his upbringing that should have been paid.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/04/2017 16:45

But point out it's not revenge, it's payment of an old debt that he lied and cheated to get out of paying. There's nothing emotional about it, just you wanting to not be even more financially punished for raising your son than you already are.

Owllady · 04/04/2017 16:45

It has nothing to do with concern for his daughter, he just doesn't like sharing his money.
That's obvious surely from the information given?

AnneElliott · 04/04/2017 16:48

YANBU - he owes you that money! Ask your son if his father was bothered about him being clothed and fed when he was a child? If he wasn't bothered about that, then it tells him all he needs to know about his 'father'.

kittybiscuits · 04/04/2017 16:53

Take what you are owed. He not only owes you that money but he deprived you and your son of the benefit of that money at the time when you needed it and should have had it. You will be showing your son how to stand up to his father - which is a life lesson he will need. Your ex is a cunt. Well done for getting rid of him.

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