Child Support Backdated

[libertysilk]

My ex husband avoided paying child support when our son was growing up. Our son is grown up now (21). The CSA contacted me saying my ex husband is working, and I'm entitled to the money he owes me.
My ex husband is in a new relationship, and has a 3 year old child. He's upset to be paying the child support, and told our son. Our son is very upset, feeling I'm taking revenge on his father for taking the money and that I'm taking money from his sister. Our son would like me to give him the money so he can give it back to his sister.
I'm not willing to do that.
I'm so upset with my ex husband for involving our son. I'm entitled to the money. He should have paid it at the time, and this situation would not have occurred.
Our son and I had heated words, about it all, which neither of us needed. We're ok now, but it wasn't a nice situation.
AIBU to keep the money? Should I give it to my son?
I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you

The flaw here is the presumption that giving money to you - that he owes - is taking money from his daughter.

It's simply not the case. He has obligations to both. If meeting these stretches his finances, his first priority should be to get a full time job rather than playing the needs of one child off over another.

I'd also bet good money that if you agreed to this insane plan then the very first thing will be that rather than give the money to your son to give to his sister, your ex will "volunteer" to do this himself - and she won't see a penny.

The fact is that he has shirked his responsibilities for far too long and has proven himself fickle and untrustworthy. It's time to pay the piper.

All the years you supported your son meant you had less opportunity to save, get a pension etc etc and you absolutely have the right to do this now without guilt.

I'd sit down with your son and explain that he needs to separate his fathers obligations here - it's not at all either him or his sister - any decent father would make sure he had meet the needs of both and certainly would not be putting pressure on his son to "resolve" his own issues.

Maybe explain to your ds is his df wasn't prepared to support 1 child thorough his costly childhood years he really shouldn't have had another one!!

Take the money owed to you. Your ex involving your son like that is beyond low. Creep.

And it's also about teaching your son to ask for what's he's entitled to from a manipulative jerk and not be fobbed off

What a manipulative bastard.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You deserve every penny..

Good on you for being able to get any money out of him, CSA/CMS have been absolutely useless for me

Take the money and use it for everything you went without to raise your son. I sincerely hope it is painful for your ex to pay. He deserves that.

Keep it. Very good point made earlier about him not worrying about food for his son when small. Don't agree with not taking it to prove you could do it alone - bollocks. Keep the money make yourself more financially stable and maybe take a holiday - you've earned it.

This is why I love Mumsnet! Thank you all for your words. It has really given me food for thought. I hate arguing with my son. We're ok now, and spoke at length. Me saying it isn't fair to involve him, and if his father had paid when he'd had the opportunity to, this situation wouldn't have arisen.
My ex-husband wanted our son to tell him what my response was. We spoke about this, me saying I'm happy for him to have my number so I can speak to him.
Our son let me know that he texted him, as he didn't want to speak with him. His father replied that he just wanted to check the money was going into my account!!!!