Re friend and my baby

[nannyplum22]

I'm not sure if I'm being overly precious about this but I'm finding it really hurtful and unkind.

My long-standing friend and godmother to DS1 basically goes out of her way not to say a single nice thing about my DS2, even when it's actually quite difficult/socially odd not to.

She has a DD of a similar age and we have a whats app group of friends with babies. She gushes over the others when they say anything about their little ones/send pics but will either not comment or make some sarcy remark when I send a pic (which I hardly ever do) She is the same in person.

I just find it quite hurtful that even if she doesn't find my DS cute or whatever, can't she just be polite?! I am actually dreading our next meet up as am already anticipating her reaction.

AIBU to find this upsetting?

Please do not put your child down to praise her dd. I don't see her putting her dd down to build yours up.

Age is irrelevant as far as fertility goes...including secondary.

I dunno... I think that if you didn't think a friend's baby was cute, you wouldn't make sarky comments about it. You'd just refrain from saying how cute it was, but you'd find other things to say.

I think the sarky comments indicate that something else is going on

I wouldn't let a sarcy comment pass..dont know hoe you would tackle it though...a jokey...meow..or a stern... that was sarcy, dont do it..

I genuinely think if you thought someone had an ugly baby you would be inclined to over gush about how cute they were, even if you were a bitch you'd do it and think inside "hahaha not as cute as my baby!"

I don't think that is the issue, honestly. I would take it personally rather than personally about my baby and wonder what her issue is with me.

I mean our babies are too young for her to be thinking if having another, let alone struggling with it.

I don't mean to put my baby down, I think he is divine but just objectively speaking I don't think she is jealous that he's cuter than her DD

Either way she sounds very immature.

Any in-person conversation is monopolised by her DD. How cute she is. How clever she is. But she talks about her slightly as though she is a designer handbag or an accessory, not an actual human being. She also makes slightly disparaging comparisons with other people's children. For instance, two friends had their own babies. One had a girl, one had a boy. She comments 'i'm so glad you got a girl!! They are the best by SUCH a long way!!' in front of the friend who has had a boy (before launching into a speech about how wonderful her girl is).

OMG this would make me vomit and is why I spend far more time talking politics on Twitter than going on FB with friends

OP I dunno how you can still meet up with your friend, if she even is one, Yanbu to find it upsetting I think it's definitely unkind and hurtful so why put yourself forward for even more of it

I can honestly say. I've never been blinkered about my dd, and had the thoughts of. Oh my child is perfect unlike everyone else's.
I think all children are adorable.

To be honest I would really rather not see her but I've made excuses the last couple of times and now this next meet up was rescheduled so I could go...so I feel I just have to go along otherwise it inconveniences everyone.

She does seem to want to see me and is often suggesting meet ups (that I usually try to decline) which is what makes me think it's DS rather than me that's the cause of her weirdness.

Do you think I should say something to her/ask our other friends if they've noticed her behaviour?

Yes I do think you should speak up.
Otherwise it'll eat at you.
There's times you have to speak out

See, I would have to be the bigger cunt and point it out in the group chat when she blatantly ignores your pics of DS or posts something sarcy about him. 'HorribleFriend, did you mean to be so rude about DS? Or were you sick of ignoring him like you usually do and wanted to mix it up a little?'.

God she sounds horrible.

And one more thing.....please don't make your DS have someone in his life who can't even say 'awww' at a picture of him. He doesn't deserve her vitriol. Fuck her.

I really don't like the justification of "brutally honest".. It's not brutally honest, it's tactless. I've never yet many anyone who proclaims themselves "just honest" to be anything other thann loud mouthed, rude and (as afformentioned) completely tactless.

I don't think that's what's going on with your friend, either, OP. I'm quite quiet and friendly and get on with pretty much everyone, but I have my limits too. I know it's painfully awkward for everyone involved, but you really should call her out (not to your mutual friends, just to her). I've only ever had to resort to such painful situations a handful of times in my life, but it's much better to put up with a load of BS from someone, that leaves you bubbling away with anger just under the surface.

And anyway it's like you said, if it is affecting your friendship to the point where you no longer want to associate with her, then you don't have much to lose by confronting her anyway. I would be careful with other friends though, on the one hand I think you should only mention it to her, but she could twist your disagreement to make it look like you are being dramatic or something to your friends, when you're not.

I would try and write her a message as neutral and compassionate as possible with the aim of salvaging the friendship at first, and see how she responds. Good luck and congrats on your baby

What do your other friends say about it? Because if it's in a group chat, surely they will see it and have some opinion of what she is saying?

I think you should stay away from her OP

She is not going to admit that she is being horrible to a child, as it is monstrous to admit - but she DOES sound poison

My older sister was jealous of me when we were kids, and as adults we had our DC within three months of each other and her jealousy transferred onto my DC. A lot of things went on which I wont go into here as would be outing - but I have no interest in ever speaking to her again

Thanks everyone.
Cherrie I totally agree re being 'brutally honest'; it's just unkind and no one benefits when you can't just tell your friend their baby is sweet, whether you think so or not

Hoop, my other friends haven't commented but I do wonder if they've noticed. Everyone sent pics of their little ones yesterday and she sent gushing remarks about all...when I sent one of DS she just sent a slightly odd comment. The others then sent lovely messages, which seemed to somewhat overcompensate for her rudeness (they are nice normal people!) so I wonder if they thought she was being out of order.

Ugh I am just finding this so draining and wish I could just brush it off but it's really getting to me 😔

She could hold back on the sarcastic digs even if she can't being herself to say something pleasant.

I think as it's gone on so long you could do worse than talk to her in private and say you can't help but notice she does this and you think it's so out of character what's up?

I was thinking along the lines of BillSykesDog is it as simple that you have two DCs and she has one?

Thanks donkey, I agree I probably need to say something.

It's not the number of DC, she has always been gushing about DS1 (partly why this is all so strange) and she just chose to wait longer before starting a family. She didn't have any trouble conceiving so I don't think it's anything like that...

Yeah, sounds like the friends know it's out of order but don't want to say anything.

I think either you have to have a quiet word or the next time in the group chat, call her out on it. Just a simple 'sorry, did you mean to be so rude about my DS' may be enough. If you think she is a friend worth keeping, I'd be tempted to invite her round for a coffee and say how it's making you feel.

Not saying it's acceptable, but could it be a classic case of second child ambivalence? I know a lot of people say that friends got really excited when they were pregnant for the first time, then with the second baby it was all a bit 'so what?' Maybe she feels like you've had 'your turn' to be gushed over with your firstborn and now she wants the focus to be on hers?

Again, not saying it's remotely right. But I'm struggling to see why else anyone could have a problem with a baby!

I suppose it could fried. It would just seem so much easier for her to roll out some standard platitude rather than making the weird remarks...it seems like an active decision she is making to be mean about my DS

What kind of weird remarks is she making?

I wonder if she feels like you've one-upped her by having your second right when she had her first?

Personally I would just talk to her the next time she makes a snarky comment. I have a friend who can be quite bitchy sometimes and I've started calling her out on it. It doesn't have to be a big deal, you can just respond with 'ouch' or a suitably miffed-looking emoji (if you're into that) or even just reply with 'what do you mean by that?'

The weird comments are things like 'oh he looks a bit confused doesn't he'...not in-your-face derogatory but not complimentary and a way to say something but not something nice if you see what I mean. Either that or no comment at all