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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with my DH and his DS?

53 replies

Zsuzsika · 03/04/2017 09:54

Ok. I'm over 6 months pregnant and very hormonal at the mo so just wanted to see if others can see where I'm coming from or people gonna boo me out.....
My DH has a 14 yo son who normally just stays with us the weekends. Last week however moved in with us for a month because his mother is buying a new house but the house is not yet ready so she asked he stays with us. Which is fine but the mother keeps complaining how he doesn't listen to her and shouts back etc so she let's him go out as often as he wants wherever he wants so he's out the way (she also has 2 other little ones)
Last Saturday like normally he wants to go out with his friends and we do take him although the place is at least a half hour drive. So I took him and said to him be ready by 6 so his dad can pick him up to get back for half 6 for dinner. He goes ok. However when his dad went to pick him up he txt him that he's not ready yet and doesn't want to come home yet. His dad told him he had to but he keeps pushing his dad lately until he just gives up so he can do whatever he wants. So a friend's dad ended up bringing him home after.
So I know he will ask me again to drop him off this Saturday so I decided to play the same game. I'm gonna tell him yes at first then later tell him I changed my mind and won't be taking him (because he changed his mind about coming home at the discussed time last minute last week!)
My question is, AIBU or should I be more easy going? We also have a 2 yo so I have to think of him too and not just run around after the 14 yo all the time because he now has a social life! I tried reasoning with him when he's not behaving like he should be on other occasions but he says sorry and ending up doing what he wants anyway! So this is sort of trying to teach him a lesson. But his dad is easy going on him so didn't tell him about my plan in case he tells me I'm a lunatic and just tell him no the first instance. I thought if I play his game he might not do this to us the next time? Wanted to see if others agree or think I'm evil??

OP posts:

everymummy · 03/04/2017 11:13

Lovely bit of advice there from imperial. Just do that - don't try to get one over on your teenager, they are masters in this art and you will end up looking ridiculous.

Megatherium · 03/04/2017 11:14

Just make it plain to him that you will give lifts solely on the basis that he sticks to the arrangements agreed, and that if he tries the same trick again you won't be giving him any more lifts for leisure activities.

pilates · 03/04/2017 11:14

YABVU and childish.

Could you not share lifts with his friends parents or failing that he will have to get a bus?

LouGuest83 · 03/04/2017 11:16

I understand your frustration, but you are supposed to be an adult.
Playing games is not the actions of an adult.

If DS would like to go out but DH (or you; if you are allowed to act as a disciplinarian) feel that DS should not be allowed to do so due to his previous behaviour; then he should simply be told NO and why.

DS is a teenager/ a child. He has no say so on whether he is allowed to go out with friends or not. That is not a decisions he is in a position to make. From what you mentioned in the OP in regards to his mother stating that DS does not listen to her; there is obviously disciplinary issues there.

What are the consequences employed for DS not returning home when he should/ raising his voice at his mother as he may not be getting his own way?

My own know there are consequences if they behave in a way which would be deemed as unacceptable. Whether that is a reduction in their pocket money/ the removal of it in its entirety/ not allowing them to go for a week or two.

It sounds as if there are no boundaries and you and DH need to agree on them and put them in place before it is to late.

My children have very clear boundaries, this doesn't mean that we don't laugh together/ get on well or go out and have a great time. It means that they understand what it is to respect someone and to receive that respect right back. It is teaching them responsibility.

Naicehamshop · 03/04/2017 11:17

How is playing games going to help?

I understand why you are annoyed, but doing this will just make the situation 10 times worse. Be the adult here.

Original poster

Zsuzsika · 03/04/2017 11:18

Ok thank you all. I won't play games. I'll talk to his dad and then we'll talk to him together.

We need to be able to trust him, he goes far away from home to be with his friends and wouldn't want anything happen to him - he's too far for us just to pop over if anything happens....

And i'll mention the bus idea but it'll be an hour to an hour and a half before he'd get there so really i'll take away a couple of hours from him and his friends. We'll discuss it anyway

OP posts:

IDontLoveGlitterGlitterLovesMe · 03/04/2017 11:27

YABU.

so I decided to play the same game.

Nousernameforme · 03/04/2017 11:31

I wouldn't take him this week purely because he broke the agreement last week. He can win your trust next week by going and coming back at the agreed upon time. Tbh i think 6 was quite early and you should find out what time others are going to be picked up and arrange a time around then.

Trifleorbust · 03/04/2017 11:31

Don't play games. Just tell him messed about with lifts last week so this week he is welcome go but needs to make his own way there and back. Curfew still applies.

seriouslyenoughalready · 03/04/2017 11:46

Don't be so ridiculous. You should be ashamed of yourself.
He's 14. They test boundaries at this age.

Your 'plan' is the emotional equivalent to 'you hit me, I'll hit you to teach you a lesson".

Like previous posters have said. Act your bloody age.

LouBlue1507 · 03/04/2017 12:09

YABU - To say yes and then no, it's childish and you're supposed to be the adult.

YANBU - To say no as you messed us about last weekend

I also think YABU to tell him he needs to come home at 6 for his tea at 14. Give him the choice, we can pick you up at 6 if you want tea with us or you'll have to find your own way back later e.g. Bus.

Madwoman5 · 03/04/2017 12:22

He is not your son yet has messed you about. DH should be the one to speak to him about sticking to times. Your life does not revolve around him so why does he think that is ok? Even a teenager needs boundaries. Your house, your rules.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/04/2017 13:32

Spare a thought for a 14 year old who clearly has 2 step families now with little ones and their parents having new partners who are taking precedence over them!!

As his stepmum do you really think that is good for familial relationships etc. Also why does a 14 year old need to be home by 6.30 on a Saturday night. It is not his fault that he has been shunted off by his mother on to you. Friendships/going out etc is very important to teenagers.

I would suggest he gets a lift there and either gets a bus back or arranges lift with friends as he clearly did on that occasion so didn't really put you out other than a wasted journey by your DP but a journey he would have taken anyway.

Is where he is going close enough for him to cycle?

I certianly wouldn't mindfuck play a teenager who clearly has to cope with 2 families both of whom seem to find him a burden. Poor lad!

Original poster

Zsuzsika · 03/04/2017 16:08

Thank you Madwoman5, I do think that he should show a little more respect towards us, we try to do everything by him especially because of how he is with his mother and sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to put up with some phlegmatic comments or misbehavior after all we have given him? We really go out of our ways to make sure he's happy and comfortable

And the dinner time is 6.30 so that we can all sit down as a family and spend quality time together as a family. It's important to me/us and won't delay it because my little one needs to go to bed not long after that. Besides I shouldn't be waiting for him so I can wait around him and his schedule, he should respect that I'm heavily pregnant and after cooking and taking care of his brother I'd like to sit down too... Maybe I sound selfish, maybe it's hormones... Perhaps i'll feel different when the baby arrives and I won't be so tired all the time.

Thanks all for commenting

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 03/04/2017 17:18

I'd drop him off and tell him to call when he's ready for pick up, remind him, either 6pm so he can eat with you, or it won;t be till 7.30 after you have eaten. His choice. He doesn't have to have every dinner with you all. You are being very controlling.
If that won;t work, drop off telling him to be ready by 6 or this is the last time you will drop him off as you are all too busy to play taxi

Allthewaves · 03/04/2017 17:24

Drop him and let him get the last bus home.

smallchanceofrain · 03/04/2017 17:43

At 14 his friends are going to be way more important to him than being home for a meal at 6.30 so you can have some quality family time. It's not that you're doing anything wrong OP, that's just the way it is. Detaching from parents, testing boundaries etc are perfectly normal. If you want quality family time with teenagers you have to sneak up on them with it and it needs to be something that has high value in their eyes - either something they love or something a bit funny and mad. Think ice bucket challenge type mad. I feel sorry for the lad. He's stuck with no permanent home for a few weeks and two parents who each have younger children and new partners. He possibly feels that he fits in more with his mates than with either of his families at times.

hamandmustard · 03/04/2017 17:44

You sound really nasty. Poor child (yes he is a child).

OllyBJolly · 03/04/2017 17:50

You don't sound nasty. You sound like me before I had my own teenagers! Best advice I ever got was to pick my battles. The rest isn't worth the drama.

Birdsgottaf1y · 03/04/2017 18:05

Dinner is important to you, not to him and he is growing up and needs to learn by setting his own boundaries. He shouldn't be made to stop socialising to eat 'with the family' on a normal Saturday.

You think that you're going above and beyond, but he's your DHs child, if you feel put upon then leave him to it, but he should be doing it.

Teens are often a different species, you'll have to ride it out, like the toddler years. They can be completely different at 17/18, all three of mine were.

Therealslimshady1 · 03/04/2017 18:11

It is not up to you to teach him a lesson. It is up to his mum and dad (if at all)

FwIW, I have a 14 yr old and I don't play games with him. I drop him off and pick up based around my own and other DC schedules. I find at 14 you can almost treat them like grown ups, and "I can pick you up at 6, but not later as I have to take your brother swimming at 7." is something most 14 yr olds would understand.

No need for playing mind games

Therealslimshady1 · 03/04/2017 18:15

Or pick him up later and leave his dinner for when he comes back.

Or just leave him a pizza to reheat, or a potnoodle.... 14 yr olds could not care lezs about a nice homecooked meal

Brighteyes27 · 03/04/2017 19:15

Sorry you have had a bashing on here OP. Folks the OP is trying to do what she thinks is right for them all as a family. She is probably absolutely shattered with a 2 year old and pregnant to boot. Cut her some slack please.
When our DC's are young it is important for us and them to eat together as a family for bonding, fun, to learn them table manners and all spend quality time together etc etc. I tried to do this as often as possible when mine were little. But to be fair when mine were 2 they would be eating the table legs if I fed them much after 5pm!! As a 14 year old only here for a month and he is a teenager testing boundaries with his friends much more important to him than sharing a family meal or not giving a thought for either you or his dad doing an hour round trip to collect him.
You need to discuss it with his dad you clearly care about him and don't want him out after dark up to no good which is wise but a 6pm pick up is a bit early and uncool. Maybe the others go in at 6.30 and maybe he could get a lift from a friends parents at say 6.30 or 7 at the latest or before it gets dark but sit down with him and agree a compromise. Maybe one week let him chose tea and you could eat an early snack or something with 2 year old. Just an idea. As others have said he probably feels pushed out from all sides and won't want a ribbing for having to be in first even if you had a 100 mile journey.

Original poster

Zsuzsika · 04/04/2017 07:24

Thank you Brighteyes27, I'm already doing some of the things you mentioned I think it's just the timing bit that I didn't really agree with but ok seems everybody thinks a 14yo child can stay out longer (and yes he is still a child that we are both responsible for!) so we will come to a compromise.

Besides he is very happy with us otherwise and he normally comes first for all the reasons mentioned above so he is not an "outcast" he is very much loved and part of our family.
I think it's just him pushing boundaries already I wasn't prepared for.

Thank you All for your comments.

OP posts:

Happyandhungry · 04/04/2017 08:37

Another vote for the bus. Doesn't matter if it takes longer, if he wants a lift in the car he needs to be ready at the times you say. If he wants to stay longer then he gets the bus. His choice.

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