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Original poster

To expect my rich brother to buy me a decent birthday gift?

57 replies

Sheila · 08/03/2007 10:03

OK - he may not be rich exactly, but he earns a lot of money, his wife also works full time, they live in a massive house, have an au-pair, annual skiing hols etc etc, and what I got from him today on my birthday was a cheap as chips bracelet that probably cost no more than £10.00 (if that) and is already starting to make my wrist go green.

In fact the card is in his wife's handwriting so I suspect that she was roped in to buy the gift and send it, and she's not my biggest fan.

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't have a DP/DH so family presents are more important, and I feel so let down and sad about my life.

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 08/03/2007 11:00

Happy birthday Sheila.

I think you're right and obviously your birthday is making you miss the things that you kind of forget you want the rest of the time; it IS nice to have a DH who makes a fuss of you....so I understand where you're coming from.

Maybe you should do what my SIL does; circulates a list of things she wants round the family, then books a table at a restaurant for us all to go out to celebrate her birthday (which of course she would not dream of paying any towards, it's HER DAY after all)........[hmmm]

then there's my bro, who lives abroad for much of the time, forgets birthdays most years, except the time he sent a card saying "I hear that you've gone ahead and had your birthday without telling me. Please be more considerate next year".

Go on, book a meal for you and your bro and SIL and then resolutely do not get your purse out when it comes to paying up. They can afford it seriously though, have a lovely day with your ds and friends, and hopefully the presents from your bro will not seem so important.

Original poster
Sheila · 08/03/2007 11:06

Thank you, thank you Sunnyside up! At last somebody understands! Hope your birthday is lovely whenever it is - you deserve it. xx

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 08/03/2007 11:10

thanks sheila.

inanidealworld · 08/03/2007 12:01

happy Birthday!

I know what you mean about the the thought that goes into a present. My ILs are a bit like that. In the past we always got them something we thought they would like (takes time and effort to think of something good and original) or asked what they would like (which they would get even if it was more than I would have ideally liked to spend) whereas we just got (it felt like) whatever else the rest of the family were also getting with no regard to individual tastes (e.g a carriage clock . Nowhere in my house would suit a carriage clock and it's just not us). Anyway after years of it, I have decided to do the same and they just get what they get. End of.
Have no expectations and you will not be disappointed

Earlybird · 08/03/2007 12:15

Happy birthday Sheila!

My family don't have any idea what to get me for birthdays/Christmas, so I have started to make suggestions. It makes everyone happier all the way 'round. For Christmas they pooled money to get me a nice digital camera - my requested item - and I'm thrilled. Otherwise I have a running 'wish list' on Amazon, and they can order something from there which will be posted directly to me.

I'd love it if they could be on my 'wavelength' enough to choose something wonderful, but experience tells me it just doesn't work that way. Maybe give it a try next time so they're not stuck for an idea, and you're not disapointed with what they select...

Gobbledigook · 08/03/2007 12:18

Hmmm. I wouldn't be bothered. I don't make a big deal of birthdays and never have. We are much better off than my ILs but we probably spend less on them than they do on us. It's their choice, just as it's mine. I'm not bothered if I get nothing - I don't expect anything. I buy whatever I want for myself anyway.

Original poster
Sheila · 08/03/2007 12:54

I think another factor is the history of my relationship with my brother. We were very close as children and teenagers but now I hardly see him. Most of the time I accept this (with a lot of sadness) but birthdays bring it home. I also feel very let down about the fact he makes no effort to see ds, felt very bitter about his complete lack of support when I broke up with XP and had to find house, job on my own with a 2yo ds...etc etc.

So I guess it's a lot more complicated than one birthday present!

As for the money thing - I've been accused of being materialistic but I think it's just basically mean when someone has a lot of money not to spend some of that on their family. I don't have much now but when I did have money I always spent as much as I could afford on those I loved, including DB and his kids. My mum, 79 and living on a pension, spent far more than DB did. I know it doesn't always follow but it's hard not to feel that the amount of money spent = the amount of love felt.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 08/03/2007 12:59

hi Sheila, I do understand why you might feel hurt. why do you think you have grown apart? do you think it is because he has his "own" family? or is it more complicated?

AngharadGoldenhand · 08/03/2007 13:00

Sheila - if he earns a lot of money, he'll be paying a lot in tax, too. If they live in a massive house, they may well have a massive mortgage too.

Maybe £10 is all they can afford to spend after the mortgage, huge council tax, higher electricity bills, gas etc.

Their disposable cash might be less than yours.

Cloudhopper · 08/03/2007 13:01

If it's any consolation, my brother has been like this for years. They were without a doubt the richest ones in the family, but they always bought the most thoughtless, crappy and cheap presents imaginable.

I think if he had been skint people would have understood and been sympathetic, but it was so obvious that all the presents had been bought from a sale bin in some kind of factory shop.

Anyway, I have to say that after years of this, people had been getting more and more offended and sick of it. At least in a large family, we all knew that it was nothing personal exactly - there were no favourites.

In the end, I just had to see the funny side. I made sure that I bought fairly small presents in return, although always something that I thought they would like. This mitigated the resentment for me. We just learned as a family to make a light-hearted joke of it "Let's see what we have got from x" and grins would pass round the room.

It might sound harsh, but I think no less of him these days than if he bought fantastic presents. It is just his/their idiosyncracy, and I think they would be mortified if they knew how much damage they have done to their relationships over the years.

Tortington · 08/03/2007 13:02

i never think its about money - but more about the thought - how easy is it for someone with money to go to a jewellers and say " that one" kerching ta much bag it."

however how wonderful is it to recieved a personalised poem, words from a song you sang together, a framed old photograph etc

Cloudhopper · 08/03/2007 13:02

PS Happy Birthday and just remember that it is very unlikely that he means badly by it.

Judy1234 · 08/03/2007 13:03

£10 isn't ungenerous. I don't think my siblings and I spend much more than that on each other and we have private schools, biggish houses etc. There isn't always that much money to spare although from the outside it looks like we have lots of spare money and we're not very materialistic. Sometimes it might be £20. I'd rather someone gave money to charity that bought me expensive presents.

harpsichordcarrier · 08/03/2007 13:06

it clearly isn't about the money spent though is it, it is about the fact that the SIL buys it and db doesn't care enough (Sheila thinks) to choose it himself or make sure she has chosen something nice.
I imagine this is the situation with most brothers tbh, but sheila finds it hurtful because it reflects a deterioration in their relationship.

Judy1234 · 08/03/2007 13:08

I hate making sexist comments but most men in the UK don't buy presents, their women do it for them as one of the many services the provide. Wonmen shouldn't because it helps engrain sexism but they do.

SHOSHAlee · 08/03/2007 13:10

I dont get anything from my brothers, but I do know what you mean Shelia, being a single parent, the Christmas after My Mom died I got nothing for Xmas apart from what my DS had made me at school, although I am one of 5 children, nobody even thought to, alt ought they were all married at the time and I got on well with my SIL's. I remember feeling really upset.

Anna8888 · 08/03/2007 13:23

Agree with Xenia, women should definitely never buy presents on men's behalf. What a terrible idea.

Tortington · 08/03/2007 13:26

anna & xenia agree shocker

i agree to an extent - which is why his monther, father, brothers, nephews and nieces never ecieve a biorthday card and his mother end up ringing all upset with dh proclaiming "it;s the post"

but he doesn't learn from it - and quite frankly i simply dont give a shit.

Original poster
Sheila · 08/03/2007 13:29

Well I suspect that SIL wasn't too happy about it either - hence the (in my view) rather miserable present! In the past she has born the brunt of his long working hours and I think I get some of the fall-out from that. DB works in films so has periods of being at work from 5am - 10pm, 7 days a week. Then can have quite long periods at home when he's not working though, and he does pull his weight with kids and housework.

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 08/03/2007 13:37

Sheila - 'quite long periods at home when he's not working' - still think he's so rich?

RosaLuxembourg · 08/03/2007 13:37

My mum was complaining about this quite recently, one of her many gripes against SIL is that she doesn't buy family presents on DB's behalf so he never gives any.
I said I didn't see why she should and I certainly don't buy for DH's family - she was horrified (and actually DH is pretty good atit so is not an issue anyway).

Anna8888 · 08/03/2007 13:43

though have to admit to dropping hint about buying tickets to ballet for partner's mother's birthday - that way I got to see a show I really wanted to see (but that's not service, that's trickery)

Judy1234 · 08/03/2007 13:50

I bought most of his family's presents - parents, brothers, nephews etc for nearly 20 years, one thing I was quite happy to stop after the divorce but obviously I wasn't forced to and sometimes he'd buy vouchers for them and sometimes do all the present buying if I was very busy. It wasn't a money thing as we always only had joint accounts and money anyway. It was just a division of labour thing. I suspect one reason he hasn't bought the children birthday presents since we divorced is just because he isn't into present buying. It was hard enough getting a birthday present some years. The doormat for the kitchen was a particular but presumably symbolic low point.

Difficult area presents - my parents had a dreadful row on holiday in Scotland once when my father bought my mother a lovely traditional rug, car rug, tartan thing that she said was something he would have bought his mother (not glamorous enough apparently).

Kbear · 08/03/2007 13:50

It was my birthday last week and I didn't get a card or present from my brother - did get a text though. He's busy working, I was working.

I know he loves me and today when I saw him I got a hug so that's all the present I need.

I think you need to be grateful you've got a brother that sends you a present and not focus on how much he spent.

harpsichordcarrier · 08/03/2007 13:52

Oh it really isn't from him though is it?
SIL bought it.

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