To not want to see DF's kids ever again?!

[Glutenfreediddleydee]

Bit of background: DD is 3.5 (DS is 4MO). DD is very anxious and quite particular about things. She loves to engage with adults/ older kids and hold conversations/ have imaginary play/ etc. But I'm aware of her needing to socialise with her own age group too.

BUT, after today's play date I just need to vent! I really think my DF is taking the p**s. Several play dates with her and her C1 (4) and C2 (2) a Tazmanian devil of a child have been endured recently, and after each one I get more and more angry and vow never to do it again!

Tell me if IABU, but as soon as they get in the front door, the kids are straight into DD's little playroom and start ransacking the place. I'm no neat freak, but this takes 'mess' to a whole new level! C2's idea of play is to get any basket/ bag/ tin/ receptacle of any kind and immediately empty the contents onto the floor regardless of whether breakable or not. C1 (permanently snotty) is not much better. And of course any breakages break DD's little heart, in fact so does the mess which we spend hours putting back together after they've gone.

Today DF asked to come round for a 'coffee and catch-up' which sounded appealing and it was lovely weather, so I vowed to keep them all contained in the garden in order to have said catch up and for the kids to play in the garden. This was instantly shattered when C1 came straight through the garden and into the house to do her usual.

C2 had done a poo in her nappy and when I pointed this out. DF preceded to take her pooey nappy off and leave her pooey bottom out, so I supplied some wipes and a clean nappy but she said she'd keep her nappy off coz her bum looked sore. Low and behold the wee came all over some toys which DF had gone inside to get with her (despite the door being closed and me asking for us all to stay outside), but instead of putting the nappy on, DF waited until wee no.2 occurred.

DD was poorly yest, so I told DF after an hour or so that we'd like to get DD fed and in bed early (hint hint). DF then asked if she could help herself to another cup of tea - clearly content that her DCs were entertained and she was well watered.

DS (who incidentally is DF's godson, who she completely ignored) was getting tired so they finally got the hint and left. Leaving us shattered, annoyed and in a complete mess with two knackered and hungry kids (one still quite a new baby).

DF is totally different when she doesn't have the LOs-in-tow, she's lovely and thoughtful, and great with DS. It's such a shame but I just feel I can't have them round coz it's too upsetting for DD (and me!) ☹️ argghhhhhhh!!

Well, the simple solution is to only go to her house or meet at a park or indoor playground. You may need to be quite firm about that and if she pushes to meet at your place again just dish out the old MN "No, that doesn't work for me".

Allowing her child to have a toilet accident (or several) is quite grim, even if it's outside. And allowing her children to break toys without at LEAST an apology and offer to replace the toy is just rude. It does sound like she's taking advantage of your hospitality and she will probably continue to do so as long as you let her.

Maybe she is struggling to cope with her own kids by herself and uses you as a sort-of babysitter so she can relax? (Still doesn't make this okay, but if she's a good friend you could have a chat to her about her mental health or if she has enough support?)

However you do sound a bit precious about things. Tipping toys out of their containers is pretty normal and age-appropriate behaviour for a two year old, and even for a four year old sometimes. (Yes, parents should encourage the kids to be careful and tidy up after.) If you have toys that are breakable, then don't leave them out for a two year old to play with! PP have suggested a sensible option: Have a box of toys that they CAN play with out ready, then lock/block the play room door so they can't access the rest.

Yanbu op.
Just because 'you're used to wee' and 'it was outside' the nappy incident was disgusting.
You don't do that outside your own home and let them wee on another kids toys
I also don't think you're projecting onto your dd!
Some kids are very particular at that age and you can't change them!
It all sounds very exhausting op.
If you can't stop them from going into your dd toys and the dm certainly isn't, then you'll have to do as another suggested and just say meeting at your house doesn't work for you.
Go to soft play, or the park where they can burn off energy without destroying your house

I suggest putting your DD's special toys upstairs blocked off with a stair gate or a locked door and just putting out non destructible toys for visitors to play with. One of my friends used to raid the local yard sales for toys like balls, climbers, and easels for painting, put them out in her garden and then sell them on at a profit after a few months when her children were bored of them.

The nappy thing is disgusting. Who does that?

Hideous. You have to WOMAN UP though OP. You close the door to the playroom and say "Not in there today!" and hustle them out.

The bare, shitty arse...that's worrying. Why would she not wipe the child!? No wonder it's sore!

My friend used to think nothing of laying down her almost 4 year old son in front of everyone present and changing his pooey bottom.

His dignity and our stomachs weren't important.

Not all DC are toilet trained by almost 4 I know but to do it on the floor like that? Always disgusted me.

It's hard being around other parents!

Glutenfreediddleydee it all sounds grim.

YADNBU.

I've had this with play dates, lots of people come over, no one helps clear up, super annoying.

You've got some options here:

Carry on with this until you cannot stand the sight of them all
Only go to their house
Go to a park, cafe or other place
Tell her the things you are not comfortable with and ask her and her dcs to clear up, I usually give a warning and announce 'tidy up time' at least 10 minutes before friends need to leave

To some small degree your dd will need to get more comfortable with mess/other kids making a mess, as this is a normal part of school.

BUT she doesn't need to get used to this level of it!

In our house we have a rule that toys downstairs can be played with by anyone, special things need to be left in their bedrooms.

Good luck.

Did she really not wipe her child's bottom? Or am I reading that wrong? Tbh, that would worry me much more than the mess (although, I understand your frustration with it).

I very often like other people's kids. There are a couple who I quite dislike - not their fault obv, so I'd never let on - but others are extremely likeable. Do most people really not like other people's children?

You are going to have to have a frank discussion if your friendship is going to survive.

The main problem I have is that I feel like DF comes around to give herself a break because the kids are such a handful at home (she freely admits this and reports stories of them squabbling/ hitting/ screaming/ pulling hair/ pulling each others faces ) and clearly relishes the opp to bring them round here and let them go like a coiled spring. At one point yest, I was outside juggling all four kids and she was inside drinking tea and talking to DP (who'd popped in to make himself a drink and regretted it!). I feel like it's a bit of a liberty considering I'm the one with the small baby who's sleep deprived and who's house is already a mess and feel like she should perhaps offer to make me a cup of tea instead of just making one for herself!

And yes, the idea was to leave the pooey bottom exposed 😱

And no, I'm not precious, and completely understand about normal toddler behaviour of emptying things out - not setting out to destroy anything in sight! And screaming at the top of their lungs at the same time...

argghhhhhh! The stuff of nightmares I'm telling you...

I understand leaving a bottom to air (though think it's a cheek to do it in someone else's house) but it does need to be clean first else what's the point.

So could you go round to hers for a break instead? She would still have company, the place would get trashed but it wouldn't be your place?

Op, YANBU - playdates with very small kids can be stressful enough, but your 'friend' really sounds like she's taking the piss and coming round for a rest - as you say.
I would be annoyed about the house being trashed - I had to stop inviting one child because they were like a whirlwind, going through everything, emptying stuff out, no manners etc. I tried for a time with the 'In this house we don't do that....' approach but it didn't work and was annoying me and setting a poor example to my DC, so just stopped inviting them.

I think it gets better and easier as they get older, 4 and 2 is very young and they need constant supervision.
I would say if she's a really good friend just tell her the truth - you're shattered and it's too much to have them all round your house, but you'd love to go out to the park etc - bang on about the benefits of fresh air and a change of scene.

If she's not a good enough friend to have an honest chat with, just avoid her, dodge suggestions of dropping round and outright simply refuse requests to pitch up at yours for some free babysitting. Be assertive and say no - you don't have to give a reason why but if you want to you can always go with someone feeling under the weather, you're expecting someone else, have others plans, are going out or have scheduled some precious 'family time' - which is code for no-one else being welcome! Or you can say the kids are overtired lately and it's affecting their happiness so you're implementing a regime of enforced quiet time in the afternoons or whenever.

If friend isn't flexible enough to meet at hers or go out then she might just be using you and you're worth more than that - don't be her doormat! If you refuse often enough she might take the hint.
Also, the poo/wee situation is vile - she might behave like that at her house but certainly shouldn't while a guest. And I often don't like other people's children - why should I? Children are individuals, with their own personalities, quirks etc. They're not an homogenous mass of cuteness we're all supposed to coo over! Sure, I like some of my DC's friends as individuals - but let's be honest, some kids are just a pain in the arse. That's why we have all these chemical bonds that make us love and protect our own offspring, cos yeah, DC might be a pain in the arse, but she's my pain in the arse. I always find people who gush about loving all children a bit

Yanbu, op.
I'd say straight out that you are tired, and are trying to get a bit of rest, next time she proposes popping in.
Other than that, try to get all out walking or to the park or wherever, when she wants to visit. It does sound a bit as if she is using you so that she gets a break, tbh.

OP, if a visit to your home is more work than pleasure, say to your friend that it isn't convenient. Cite whatever reason you like, a bad night with the baby, you can't face clearing up the mess after a play date, you are having guests, you will be out, anything. I would say that the benefit of having the friend round is negated by the mess and stress. So either you take steps within your home to only have a few toys out that aren't easily breakable/ your DC's favourites, or you only see friend and her kids out of your home.

You can tell visiting DC what your rules are regarding playing in a non destructive manner and tidying away when asked, and you could add "Mummy will help you" while looking pointedly at your friend. She doesn't seem very effective at parenting, because if she was, she'd be much more on top of their behaviour. And however charming she might be on her own, she has no respect for other people's homes and possessions as long as she gets her bit of 'time off' from her home and kids.

I can help here after recently being in the same situation.
My goddaughter who is 2.5 is gorgeous and a lovely little girl. However, when she sees my DD's play room (dd is 5) and all the new toys she can play with , the room is trashed within 5 minutes.
So, now when my friend comes suggests coming round, I sometimes say.... " Oh dd is in desperate need of getting out of the house too, shall we go to a play centre" or get lots of baby gates ( I had 5 in my house at 1 point) lol

We all parent differently but some people want a break and seem to think play dates are it. I'd be mortified and I have two with autism so I'm extra cautious. I'd suggest either keeping them in the garden or going out. If she asks to come round say your dd is bored of being at home and wants to go out and do it like that. Or clear most stuff away. I hate play dates. It's easier as they get bigger but it's still a pain.

Some people on here are accusing the OP of being precious but I don't read it like that at all. That nappy thing is rank and anyone who's prepared to do that in someone else's home is clearly pretty relaxed about behaviour and manners generally.

I would just meet them at softplay/park. They sound disrespectful of your house, I wouldn't let my DD run around someone's house bare bottomed unless they expressly said it was ok for whatever reason