To not want to see DF's kids ever again?!

[Glutenfreediddleydee]

Bit of background: DD is 3.5 (DS is 4MO). DD is very anxious and quite particular about things. She loves to engage with adults/ older kids and hold conversations/ have imaginary play/ etc. But I'm aware of her needing to socialise with her own age group too.

BUT, after today's play date I just need to vent! I really think my DF is taking the p**s. Several play dates with her and her C1 (4) and C2 (2) a Tazmanian devil of a child have been endured recently, and after each one I get more and more angry and vow never to do it again!

Tell me if IABU, but as soon as they get in the front door, the kids are straight into DD's little playroom and start ransacking the place. I'm no neat freak, but this takes 'mess' to a whole new level! C2's idea of play is to get any basket/ bag/ tin/ receptacle of any kind and immediately empty the contents onto the floor regardless of whether breakable or not. C1 (permanently snotty) is not much better. And of course any breakages break DD's little heart, in fact so does the mess which we spend hours putting back together after they've gone.

Today DF asked to come round for a 'coffee and catch-up' which sounded appealing and it was lovely weather, so I vowed to keep them all contained in the garden in order to have said catch up and for the kids to play in the garden. This was instantly shattered when C1 came straight through the garden and into the house to do her usual.

C2 had done a poo in her nappy and when I pointed this out. DF preceded to take her pooey nappy off and leave her pooey bottom out, so I supplied some wipes and a clean nappy but she said she'd keep her nappy off coz her bum looked sore. Low and behold the wee came all over some toys which DF had gone inside to get with her (despite the door being closed and me asking for us all to stay outside), but instead of putting the nappy on, DF waited until wee no.2 occurred.

DD was poorly yest, so I told DF after an hour or so that we'd like to get DD fed and in bed early (hint hint). DF then asked if she could help herself to another cup of tea - clearly content that her DCs were entertained and she was well watered.

DS (who incidentally is DF's godson, who she completely ignored) was getting tired so they finally got the hint and left. Leaving us shattered, annoyed and in a complete mess with two knackered and hungry kids (one still quite a new baby).

DF is totally different when she doesn't have the LOs-in-tow, she's lovely and thoughtful, and great with DS. It's such a shame but I just feel I can't have them round coz it's too upsetting for DD (and me!) ☹️ argghhhhhhh!!

It's a bit odd to decide that it'd be nice to have a catch-up with someone and invite yourself around to their place; instead of inviting them to come over to you?
Do you ever go to hers? Maybe you need to start inviting yourself.

Oh wait...dear friend!

Well put @HetronormativeHaybales

I used to know a mum like this. Oblivious to her kids awful/rude behaviour while in other people's homes.

Only agree to meet up in play areas from now on. It will save your friendship until kids are much older.

*Yes, that's why two-year olds need these little things called "parenting" and "supervision"
*
Well obviously. But to say a child had no thought for the receptacle and whether is was breakable. Well yeah...he's 2. I think the op is being very precious about her own daughter, and harsh about her df.

A calmer, more neat inclined child, may be easier than a bouncy, excitable child, but the op is implying her child is 'good' and her df child is 'bad' or 'Tanzanian devil' just because he is different do her own child!

I think that's pretty wrong of her to do.

But I think that pp suggestions of meeting at a park or soft play would work better for you op. I personally don't like people coming to my house as it is my 'safe space' and I like things a certain way and for some reason, people in my home makes me feel funny. So you're not unreasonable for not enjoying having them round.

From the general long view, my suspicion is that you're better not having them over. I had a similar scenario with two visiting DC who could trash the house in under five minutes in a way that was actually borderline impressive. It was not conducive to my blood pressure, I realised that life was too short, and so I was always terribly busy after that. Some people can tolerate higher levels of chaos/noise/mess. My threshold is really pretty low. It's just one of those things. Know thyself, and henceforth, set yourself and them up to win by not allowing the situation to occur any more. Otherwise you'll only end up angry and resentful and then the friendship is over.

Just give yourself a big pat on the back OP. You'll feel better.

This is why soft play was invented.

And why on earth would you put breakable things in a basket in a playroom then let a 2 year old at it?

And why on earth would you put breakable things in a basket in a playroom then let a 2 year old at it? That also occurred to me. They would last a nanosecond in this house.

My df decided to change her baby on my kitchen table when we were eating and drinking. No warning, no changing mat. Sometimes you gotta lay down some rules. Go to her house and make a point of getting smalls to clear up before you leave, close that door and stand firm if outside play is today's activity. Nappy free? Outside you go.

YANBU to find this hard going and of course you can steer clear of this friend but YABU to think it's realistic to have a coffee and a catch-up when you both have 2 young kids. Keeping an eye on them requires 100% of your attention.
Feel free to ignore my advice but I think other than the ambiguous poo situation you are being a little precious and I imagine your friend will have felt this, you pointed out her DC's nappy needed changing
Also bear in mind that a few months from now your DS will be on the move. What I'm saying is that if you burn your bridges with this friend because you think her kids are hard work and your DS turns out to be a little hurricane you can't expect much sympathy from people you've been so judgey about.

The emptying of toys isn't that uncommon, I do always make a point of saying the the mum and kids, right let's get these toys tidied away before you have to go home, means I'm not stuck clearing away

Thanks all. Feeling much calmer this eve.

Sorry if sounded judgey, I'm not saying the sun shines out of LO's bott and not theirs, but I am trying to paint a picture. I am completely fine with the usual play date mess and getting toys out/ etc, that's fine! And also different temperaments, of course DS will be more boisterous I'm sure, But C2 will literally throw things in the floor, she did it will a plastic till once and almost smashed it to bits. DF just watches on as if no carnage is occurring and just chats away oblivious! And doesn't pull the DC's up on anything.

The whole house (which is quite small and the 'playroom' is more of a corner of the living room) is like a war scene after they've gone. Other friends come and go and it's tiring and messy, but we don't have to literally put the house back together. I think there's a level that's OK, but this is deffo not OK!

It's hard to meet on neutral ground as we live so close and it's a pretty quiet area, unless we both travel to somewhere. We're easy to 'pop-in' to if you know what I mean.

I blame DF because she just doesn't help tidy/ pull them up when they're chucking things/ not sharing (with eo or DD) both DC's can be having a full blown screaming hissy fit, and she's still be chatting to me about her latest buys! I find it so stressful! And the kids literally run riot.

YANBU about any of it. Your DD will survive without other ids coming in and wrecking her toy set ups. Arrange to meet you so-called friend anywhere else other than your home.
Not all children run amok in other people's homes. Only the ones who's parents let them.

I feel like you're describing play-dates I've barely survived with all marbles left in check. Maybe that makes me precious too. I don't know. If the room itself can't be closed off, perhaps another option is a giant toy-box that can be easily clipped/pegged closed? And for god's sake, whatever you do, make sure the Play Doh is miles out of sight.

[cries and rocks at the memory]

Right you are going to have tobe assertive here and when they come over and before friend leaves say right kiddies lets tidy up Dds toys before friends go home, look your friend square in the eyes as you say it

Yes, I would find it very hard if she did nothing to stop her DCs and didn't even attempt to tidy up. Especially since you have such a young baby, if I was visiting someone in your situation I would be trying to keep the older three occupied to give you a break and would neither make nor leave such a mess.
Since it's getting warmer now I guess your best option if you can't get out of seeing her is to insist on going for walks together and keep your fingers crossed she moves house soon

And have stock phrases ready to shout say we play nice in -miniglutens house no we dont throw toys in minigluttens house your friend will either take the hint and pick up on her dc or not come back to your house win/win really

The nappy thing is rank. But on the whole you sound like you don't like her children an that's sad. They are only 2 and 4! Lots of children are boisterous and make a mess at that age. I agree the mother didn't do enough to monitor behaviour but mess and chaos is part of play dates at that age imo.

My dad once confessed to me he really disliked OPKs (other people kids) I was shocked at the time but i get it now 😳😳.
I tell other peoples kids off if i feel they are being too outrageous in my house. I figure at the end of the day im an adult and its my house!

Xmasbaby I think you might be surprised at how many parents don't like most/any other people's kids. And especially loud/destructive/chaotic monsters. Having your own DC does not compel you to adore anyone else's.

YANBU about the nappy thing, but the rest of it just sounds like normal kids. In my experience, 1-2 year olds often do like tipping things out, that is play for them. You just have to direct them to appropriate things to tip out, e.g. small box of duplo OK, china teddy bears picnic set not OK.

If you have her DC round again, why not move DD's precious or breakable toys onto a high shelf or into her bedroom? That's a standard part of getting ready for a playdate, imo. Obviously this does rely on your friend not going and getting them or letting her DC get them.

I actually think you're being unreasonable about the nappy thing as well. You were in the garden, where you had 'contained' them and she took her child's nappy off and left it off for a bit because he/she had a rash. Normal behaviour as far as I'm concerned. You seem to have pointed out her child had a dirty bum before she got a chance to notice or get to it so I'm willing to bet you also offered the nappy and wipes before she had a chance. Also, you seem really free with one another in that you point out her child needs changing and offer her stuff for that and she asks to make herself a cup of tea so I've no idea why you can't just say to her children to be careful, stop doing that, come out of the playroom etc - especially when you say it's actually just part of the living room so you are with them all the time when indoors!

I was also quite skeptical about literally put the house back together. and she's still be chatting to me about her latest buys! - the first of which sounds ridiculously overdramatic and makes me think you're probably just too fussy and have one quiet child and a baby and don't know how most children act, and the second makes me think you don't like this woman much to make nasty swipes about her like that.

Yanbu op and it is the dm at fault really, at age 2 kids will be as rough with toys as they are allowed to be if that makes sense.
The dm should be pulling the kids up on stuff like that and no airing children's backsides should be restricted to back gardens and their own home.

I felt stressed reading your post I also don't really like opks, my ndsis had terrors and stuff would be broken within minutes and not limited to toys, bum airing and not a care in the world when their dc spat food out onto my brand new carpet.carpets wrecked now from own dc and my own slatterness
I didn't allow many visits and often would go to her instead or meet on neutral ground.

Not sure what to advise you could just say to your friend when something happens, like can you deal with that.
Keep asserting to the kids that they are to play outside and lock the door if necessary.
And tidying up is just manners really, you could use that as their cue to go if you are to have them round but if it was me I would definitely reduce them.