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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you liked children before you had your own?

61 replies

Sweetpea302 · 02/04/2017 08:50

My OH and I are in the midst of lots of conversations about when / if to start trying for a baby. We have a few topics that we always end up coming back to, namely money (we've just taken on a mortgage which is really stretching our finances) and my health (I have CFS and am permanently exhausted and had to give up my job about a year ago), which are big issues on their own. The other thing which I keep coming back to, but don't really know how to work around, is that I'm not all that sure that I like children! I really do think that I'd like our child (typical narcissist eh?) and love the thought of building a family with my lovely OH, but then I'll spend time with friends children and I find them exhausting and not easy to connect with. I certainly don't get broody whenever I see a baby! I'm approaching mid 30s though, so do feel like I need to make a decision soon, before it's made for me by my body.

I'm naturally an over thinker and hugely cautious, so I think I need a bit of outside advice to help get me out of my own cycles of thinking on this and actually make a decision!

So, AIBU to ask if you actually all liked children before you had your own? Or did you have faith that you would like your own, even if you weren't enamoured with children generally? If you didn't like other people's, did you then go on to like your own?

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/04/2017 09:10

No. I'm still not really, other than my own obviously.

Spermysextowel · 02/04/2017 09:13

If your finances & health aren't good, a baby is only going to make them worse. I don't much like other people's children & my 17 & 19 year olds are still exhausting. The huge amount of joy & fun they've given me outweighs everything else.

Juanbablo · 02/04/2017 09:13

No way! I was still in my teens when I had ds1. I was not happy about it and found out late on in my pregnancy. However, I took him home with me after he was born and began to learn to be a mother to him and I grew to love him. I learned that I loved being a mother and wanted to have more children. Now I have 3! People say I should work with children but I know I wouldn't have enough patience left for my own children if I did that.

Feckitall · 02/04/2017 09:14

First baby I ever held was my eldest DS. I had no urge to have a child. I was ambivalent towards children. I was a naïve, unworldly 21 year old when I had him. I had a idea in my head that I would feel a natural maternal urge when I had him. Nope...that was replaced with PND.
Now they are grown up it is fine we have a great relationship but I struggled to connect until they were teenage. Still have no idea how to relate with small children. I can just about fake it long enough for the DGC visits.
The sound of children crying makes me panic and I have to fight the 'fight/flight' panic.
So no OP, didn't like or dislike children before I had my own..had no experience...just a 'roses round the door' idea of parenthood.

Lottapianos · 02/04/2017 09:14

OP, it is totally fine to not have children. It sounds like something you're trying to convince yourself to do. There are many childfree posters on here and more women than ever are reaching menopause without becoming mothers. You have health concerns, money concerns and you feel that you don't really like children, a totally understandable viewpoint by the way! Heading down the parenthood road would be a huge risk. It may work out well for you of course but there is another way, and life without children can be incredibly fulfilling. Not every parent falls in love with their child and thinks it was the best decision ever. Parenthood is not for everyone, nor should it be

OhDearToby · 02/04/2017 09:15

I found toddlers/Small children amusing but had no real interest in babies.

I still don't really like other people's children to be honest. Mine are obviously wonderful though!

Ellapaella · 02/04/2017 09:15

No I wasn't really a children person before I had my own. I found them rather annoying to be honest and not very interesting. My own have been completely different and now I've got my own I generally like other children a lot more too.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/04/2017 09:15

Not really, no.

1stTimeMama · 02/04/2017 09:16

Joining the resounding majority here! I never liked children, and had 7 nieces and nephews around. I was always very happy to give them back after an enforced cuddle, and never once changed a nappy.
I now have 4 of my own, and it turns out motherhood is my 'thing'. I'm still not a fan of other people's children though.

NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 09:20

Generally, people are not wired to like other people's kids. You will get the same answer from everyone.
Similarly, if you have kids, never ever expect anyone to like them. It wouldn't be reasonable or fair.

Lessthanaballpark · 02/04/2017 09:20

I'm the opposite. I loved babies and children before I had DS. Adored DS but now it's as if my maternal itch has been scratched and I'm done. I like my friends' kids because I know their personalities but I don't see a baby and go "oooooh" anymore!

Unless you get an angelic child it's a lot of hard work and if you don't feel the urge I'd say enjoy your freedom and your money!

Coverup890 · 02/04/2017 09:22

No i didnt want any either. I now have three and love them so much but im still not what youd call maternal.

corythatwas · 02/04/2017 09:22

I did, actually. Felt very maternal towards my little brother, liked my nephew and nieces. But if MN is anything to go by, I'm possibly in a minority

icanteven · 02/04/2017 09:24

Not at all, no. I never doubted that I would have children of my own, but I never had the slightest interest in children, and even now, the only interest I have in children who are not my own is in a) beautiful babies up to and at the crawling stage because I can gaze and (if I'm lucky) sniff and stroke without having to have them myself, and b) children a tiny bit older than my own because I can imagine what mine will be like when they get bigger.

Oysterbabe · 02/04/2017 09:24

Not particularly. It was very important to my husband that we had children and I had no strong objections so went along with it. I absolutely adore my DD and have warmed to all children generally. I would like about 10 more but I think just one more :)

Teepish · 02/04/2017 09:25

I couldn't be bothered/wasn't really interested in anyone else's and am still not

Dd is the best

HereThereThen · 02/04/2017 09:26

I was indifferent to children and I actually found babies quite creepy. I'd had barely ever held a baby until I had my own. However I always knew I wanted to be a parent and I've always liked my own. I still find other people's kids annoying and will avoid cafes with kids in them etc.

Babies and kids are exhausting. I had mine in my 20's and was knackered.

Two of my 4 DC don't want to have kids and I think that's completely OK. It would be a different style of life but one that has its own advantages. I wonder if some people have kids just because they think they should.

I'd imagine it would be extremely tiring to have a baby when you have CFS, it would help if you had support from family.

Is there a forum for parents with CFS - might they be able to give advice.

Justanothernameonthepage · 02/04/2017 09:28

Was never bothered in the slightest about other people's kids. But am a good parent to my toddlers. I think it helps in a weird way as you don't come to parenthood with any weird expectations of instantly becoming a perfect parent. Have got much better at coping with random babies being thrust in my direction too.

Allthewaves · 02/04/2017 09:30

really was no interested in other people children, did t dislike them or anything but wanted zero to do with them. Weirdly i knew i always wanted my own and that it would be fine. I adore all kids now iv had my own

OrlandoTheCat · 02/04/2017 09:30

I did. But I have found the reality of looking after a young child really tough.
It is by far and away the most exhausting thing ever! So if you have CFS, I really would make sure you've got plenty of people you can count on to help you (e.g. your own parents in good health and willing to do something knackering), a very hands-on and patient OH. Failing that, plenty of money to hire nannies and babysitters!

Mummytobe11 · 02/04/2017 09:31

Can't help much with your initial question as I've always loved kids, but I do have cfs and a 12 old baby if you want any insight into that feel free to message me :-)

Justanothernameonthepage · 02/04/2017 09:32

But just echoing what was said upthread, choosing not to have kids is as equally a valid life choice and I can think of a few people I know who really wish (no matter how much they love their DC) that they'd remained childfree. Feeling railroaded into any decision isn't going to end well.

SootSprite · 02/04/2017 09:34

Nope. I never liked children, found them irritating. To be frank, I still do find other people's children annoying. Dh and I decided against a family as we thought we were too selfish. Then along came dd. She was a surprise and is our greatest joy. She is fab. I can honestly say she has brightened every single day of the last 15 years 😊

Sipperskipper · 02/04/2017 09:35

I don't really like children. Our 2 nephews (2&3) are cute, but I'm always relieved when they go home! Absolutely no interest in cuddling babies either. Currently 8 months pregnant, and hopeful I will be quite keen on this one!

PollytheDolly · 02/04/2017 09:35

How interesting! I thought I was in the minority. Love my own to bits but not keen on other children really. Love babies though!

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