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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you if this person drinks too much

68 replies

Applebite · 01/04/2017 22:20

Not me, but someone v close to me, hence the concern. Amazing generous lovely kind bloke but turns into a bit of a repetitive whingebag after booze!

Average consumption:

4 cans of beer or 1-2 cans and a whole bottle of red wine per night
7-10 pints on fri/sat nights
Nights out with friends - unlimited pints - no real off switch. However this hardly ever happens, so it's the slow steady daily consumption that concerns me. However, any attempt to raise it is met with sulking or "well I never get to go out, this is all I've got" (he has a young DC, so is naturally home a lot at night).

It sounds a lot to me, but I hardly drink, so might be over reacting. What do you think?

OP posts:

Papafran · 02/04/2017 18:42

Way too much and will adversely affect his health. I know a guy a bit like this. Early 40s, no kids but lives with long term partner. He has no 'off switch'. He will easily down 10 pints in an evening, stagger around, fall asleep in pubs and piss all over the pavement, in front of people. Has also wet himself and been sick on himself. He is blatantly an alcoholic, but manages to function at work. I do worry about him- he has a beer gut and looks 10 years older than his age. I sound really horrible and judgemental, but it's coming from a place of concern. His partner drinks a lot too and they live fairly separate lives. It's really sad.

specialsubject · 02/04/2017 18:55

I feared this was your partner - I am so sorry.

It also sounds like he has no joy in life. Alcohol is a depressant and will make it worse.

Original poster

Applebite · 02/04/2017 20:33

It's difficult because he's so fantastic, he really is. And he's not depressive - I think it's just since he's been a SAHD, with his friends 100 miles away, that he drinks because he gets a bit lonely and bored. I work v long hours too, which doesn't help.

Today he's had 2 pints - I wouldn't mind that on a Sunday, if he had nothing in the earlier days of the week.

OP posts:

Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 20:57

"I'm not sure he's an alcoholic"

I don't agree. Drinking those quantities every day does make him one.

Apple perhaps if he got a job and you sought alternative childcare might he find that he doesn't need to drink so much?

BIL was always a heavy drinker, but after he got made redundant for the second time his drinking got out of control.

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2017 21:00

Being lonely and bored is no excuse for drinking so heavily.
Making excuses is typical of people who have a problem with alcohol.

Original poster

Applebite · 02/04/2017 21:01

It's possible. He didn't like his job (he was good at it, but the boss was a dick) but it gave him a focus, I suppose.

I am going to write down everything he drinks for a week and then brave the row to have the discussion I think :(

OP posts:

user1476185294 · 03/04/2017 11:04

Is he drinking when he's responsible for a child? How old is the child?

I worry about the example he is setting for this child he's a SAHD for, and for their safety if he's drinking whilst he's the sole adult at home.

I don't think 2 can on a Sunday evening is too bad, every now and then, but the rest of it and daily sounds terrible. How can you do anything if he's always had a drink.
Does he just drink evenings? Or throughout the day too?

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2017 11:13

I don't agree. Drinking those quantities every day does make him one.

Alcoholism is not simply about volume consumed, that's far too simplistic and not how any medical professional would diagnose the illness.

Alcoholism is about much more for examoke needing to drink , to be unable to control it after th first one are critical factors. No gp would say ok you drink a bottle of wine a night and can easily go with out, tough that means you're an alcoholic.

Nothing the op said indicates He cannot stop and is out of control.. He could simply be drinking heavily as a habit and he can control it quite easily should he chose as such he wouldn't be an alcoholic.

Original poster

Applebite · 03/04/2017 11:47

He never drinks during the day when he's at home with DC, I do know that. I can tell when I get home. It's just in the evenings after I get home - he can't seem to stop at one g&t or one glass of wine. It has to be 4 cans or 1 bottle of wine.

He has days when he doesn't drink at all, e.g. if we are driving to see family. That doesn't bother him at all. I don't think it's a physical addiction, I think he likes it and he drinks too heavily and I am v worried about his health. He just insists he's fine.

Urgh, starting tonight I am going to make a note of what he drinks, so I can show him when I raise the topic.

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 03/04/2017 18:06

OP, would it be worth making the discussion about lifestyle in general not about alcohol specifically?

I think you are likely to get a difficult and defensive response if you tally up hos units and tell him to stop. Would you get a better response if you approach it about health and finances? And say if we spent X less on booze we'd be less tired and you could do Y with the cash?

Whisky2014 · 03/04/2017 18:11

Functioning alcoholic

deadpool99 · 03/04/2017 18:42

Yanbu. I know quite a few people who died in their 50s who drank like this.

Original poster

Applebite · 03/04/2017 19:11

Add to - that's a great idea thank you

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 03/04/2017 19:14

The thing is OP you can have all the facts you like and all the serious talks in the world but if he doesn't think it's an issue then he won't stop.

anotherpoisonprince · 03/04/2017 19:17

Hi. I'm an alcoholic in recovery and a substance misuse worker.
Your partner is drinking an unhealthy amount. He probably isn't physically dependant atm.
Can you contact your local community alcohol service for where you need to go from here?

Swirlingasong · 03/04/2017 19:55

I feel for you, Apple, it sounds hard but I think you are doing the right thing. I have no experience but you have said he says has nothing else and also that he will have non-drinking days if you are driving to your parents. Can you find other things for him to do? I know it's hard when you have small children and are tied to the house, but maybe a big garden or diy project now the evenings are lighter. I t hink you need to talk to him about whether he is really happy as a sahd too.

haveacupoftea · 03/04/2017 20:01

Yeah it sounds like he has slipped into unhealthy habits, his bottle of wine at night is something to look forward to. To be honest I used to drink quite a lot before I got pregnant, it wasnt hard to quit but now I am quite horrified at how much I drank. It just becomes normal to take more and more alcohol.

He needs the habit to be broken somehow.

TrollMummy · 03/04/2017 20:17

This calculator might help and it also calculates the calories consumed which is an eye opener.
www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking/unit-calculator

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