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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you if this person drinks too much

68 replies

Applebite · 01/04/2017 22:20

Not me, but someone v close to me, hence the concern. Amazing generous lovely kind bloke but turns into a bit of a repetitive whingebag after booze!

Average consumption:

4 cans of beer or 1-2 cans and a whole bottle of red wine per night
7-10 pints on fri/sat nights
Nights out with friends - unlimited pints - no real off switch. However this hardly ever happens, so it's the slow steady daily consumption that concerns me. However, any attempt to raise it is met with sulking or "well I never get to go out, this is all I've got" (he has a young DC, so is naturally home a lot at night).

It sounds a lot to me, but I hardly drink, so might be over reacting. What do you think?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 23:31

No, I know. It's just that that level has become normalised here.

greenworm · 01/04/2017 23:33

Imperial - I can certainly put away a whole bottle and more on a boozy evening in (or out) but to do so every single night as a matter of course seems, as I said, really quite bad.

Of course there's a whole other level of bad where people are putting away whole bottles of spirits before lunchtime...

AddToBasket · 01/04/2017 23:36

Does he earn well or is this having an impact on family finances?

And doesn't he have depression drinking that amount?

Iamastonished · 01/04/2017 23:40

"There are plenty here who do that, greenworm."

Normalising it doesn't make it OK. That is approximately 14 units per night. Seven times the number of units recommended by the NHS.

Tumtitum · 01/04/2017 23:42

I know people who drink that but that doesn't make it ok. Just be prepared that saying something may get you nowhere

TomaytoTomahto · 01/04/2017 23:46

That's an awful lot. I usually try to limit myself to 7 glasses a week.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 23:56

I'm not saying it's OK! I like having a drink but I do think we've normalised drinking heavily. I was just saying I'd noticed it on MN.

Iamastonished · 01/04/2017 23:58

I agree Imperial, like we have normalised being overweight.

Original poster
Applebite · 02/04/2017 07:18

Normalisation is definitely the problem. He thinks it's normal - of course, if you're so used to it you don't get pissed from it, then you would - and v defensive when it's mentioned.

How do you bring it up when someone reacts like that?

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 09:05

You can tell him, but he won't listen, and will become defensive. The only reason SIL's husband gave up drinking (even though it was too late for him health-wise) was because a doctor told him that he would die if he carried on drinking.

He will have to work it out for himself whether he is drinking too much. The only thing you can do is tell yourself that you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Also don't enable it, so if the drinker finds himself face down with his head in the dog bowl just leave him there. Or walk away.

Original poster
Applebite · 02/04/2017 09:12

My ex was a true alcoholic; he was in a different league to this. Absolutely lost all sense of self control, regularly pissed himself whilst drinking, and was often to be found scouring pub tables for leftover pints when the bar stopped serving. Despite being on a salary of £200,000.

I think I've been in denial about this (might as well come clean, it's DP I'm concerned about) because it's nothing like that. But he v seldom has a day with no alcohol at all, and although he always seems fine in the morning, I am v worried for his health :(

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 09:26

It sounds like he is a high functioning alcoholic. BIL was like this for several years, but when his liver started to fail his behaviour became more erratic. SIL felt it was wrong to kick her husband out, and I'm sure that some of it came from MIL who just doesn't believe in divorce. SIL's life was miserable and it got to the point where she couldn't leave her husband in the house on his own. Now that her husband is in care she has got some of her life back.

I don't suppose threatening to leave is going to make any difference unless you carry through and actually leave. Can you contact al anon for some support?

missyB1 · 02/04/2017 09:33

Yeah he's a high functioning alcoholic Sad there is a lot of them out there.
My brother was like this for 20 years before he finally admitted he needed help (he's been teetotal for 5 years now).
If he won't admit there's a problem then you won't convince him I'm afraid. So you have to decide if you can carry on like this?

AddToBasket · 02/04/2017 09:37

Some people can actually come back from this and be OK. It isn't impossible. But it requires self awareness to kick in.

What does your DP do? Is he in a heavy drinking environment through work or sports clubs when he isn't at home?

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2017 09:42

He seems fine in the morning as he is used to drinking far too much. Be careful about rationalising it as not being in the same league as an ex. He is drinking far too much and "what else have I got" suggests he feels he can't do without the alcohol. So he has an unhealthy dependance.
He won't stop unless he wants to. You need to be prepared to walk away if he refuses to acknowledge this is an issue.
Did you grow up with someone with addiction or alcohol issues in the house? I ask as I did and it can skew your idea of what's normal.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 02/04/2017 09:45

I used to drink up to a bottle of wine most nights and (worryingly) felt fine the next day.

I stopped excessive drinking at New Year as I wanted to lose weight - now I can't drink more than a glass without getting a headache.

If someone isn't ready to stop drinking though, all the concern and advice from others won't make a jot of difference.

Janey50 · 02/04/2017 17:17

My DP used to drink slightly less than that (he's been dry for 14 months now) and he was told in no uncertain terms by his doctor that he was an alcoholic.

MrsLion · 02/04/2017 18:06

Yes. Way too much

AnyFucker · 02/04/2017 18:09

He has a drink problem

mumofthemonsters808 · 02/04/2017 18:24

Id be concerned too Apple, it's a dangerous level of drinking. I don't think people realise how harmful alcohol actually is, there's a lot of ignorance and sometimes the damage is already done before the penny drops. I can't provide any advice, but can assure you, you are not overreacting.

FumBluff1 · 02/04/2017 18:30

It's a lot.

I used to drink a sickening amount, I've stopped now which I'm thrilled about it, but for about 5 years I was terrible with it .

Hope your friend gets help x

ForalltheSaints · 02/04/2017 18:33

Far too much.

Falafelings · 02/04/2017 18:36

He should be having a couple of bottles of wine a week and no more.

So wasteful money and health wise

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2017 18:40

I'm not sure how you've managed it op but you've found yourself another partner with an alcohol problem.🤔

Yes it's too much. I'm no prude with booze, and drink "heavily" with friends when socialising and can easily drink a bottle of wine on a weekend evening, and I've friends who drink more. But the amount your partner is drinking is too much. It's the volume every night that concerns me.

I'm not sure he's an alcoholic, but he is using alcohol as a crutch and is developing a habit.

Falafelings · 02/04/2017 18:41

A couple of tins a night would be just about passable. The additional bottle isn't.

Can you work out how many units he's drinking and how much family cash he's wasting. Give him the NHS guidelines. Ask him to have his tin of beer late evening, rather then starting early evening.

One idea might be to attempt to swap one addiction for another. So outwith booze and in with the gym or running.