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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU Not to have announced my DF passed away

69 replies

TheCatsWhiskers · 01/04/2017 19:15

My DF passed away a few months ago.

He was never on Facebook and would have hated his death to have been announced on it.

A friend recently told me that I was a cold and unfeeling person for not posting about his illness and passing.

Apparently, according to her, I have issues as I didn't let my Facebook community know. So I have denied them helping my family and I.

This is bonkers, right?

My family and friends all know what happened. I just didn't have the time or i inclination to post on my fathers rapid decline.

She has also got said that I have avoidance issues as I never took a picture of my DF when he was in his last days.

OP posts:
PersonalClown · 01/04/2017 19:57

I did announce my father's death on FB. I think I needed to reach out to people that I choose to have in my life (We are not a close family).

After that, I choose not to post anything. It's just not my way.

It will be the second anniversary of his passing in 4 days and I will not mention anything to anyone except my DP when I get in from work late as I shall be going to the cemetery on my own to clear my head.

It is definitely not someone else's place to tell you how to grieve.

I am sorry for the the loss of your father. Flowers

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 01/04/2017 19:59

Sorry for your loss.

I would just bloody ignore her and then drop her as a friend.

I've recently had a close bereavement and have not put anything on FB. Anyone who needs to know, knows. I don't need or want to announce it elsewhere. I can't bear all the "pity me, my life is shit" drama that some indulge in on FB.

Daisymay2 · 01/04/2017 20:00

I agree with Arkhamassylum 100%
Your dad did not use FB and in any case was entitled to his privacy when he was ill..
Your "friend" is crass and insensitive.
I am sorry about your dad and it will take a long time to recover, even if it wa not a shock. Flowers

JaneEyre70 · 01/04/2017 20:00

I never put anything personal on FB. It's like social fluff to me, and in no way shape or form is it for family announcements. There just isn't a real world out there anymore to some FB addicts. Your friend sounds like one!

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2017 20:01

Your 'friend' is absolutely beyond the pale. The insensitivity and stupidity and sheer self-absorbed malice of what she said to you is astonishing.

Sorry for your loss.

NoParticularPattern · 01/04/2017 20:01

Oh good grief people are bonkers. We never announced it all over Facebook that my grandad had died- it doesn't mean we didn't care or that we didn't want people to help. We told everyone we thought should know.

The loss of a relative isn't something that has to be shared in public. If you want to, fine. If you don't, also fine. Tell her and her opinions to fuck off. Flowers

Katie0705 · 01/04/2017 20:05

Sorry Op, have just read the last line of your post and choked on my coffee! What is it with some people and the need to take fucking photos to broadcast to the world. Its not you with issues, its that 'friend', who clearly lacks insight and emotional intelligence. Did it ever occur to her that your DF may have not wanted this, or, God forbid, it was inappropriate and would have stripped DF of her privacy and dignity?. This sort of bollocks really makes my blood boil!!!

Lochan · 01/04/2017 20:11

Your "friend's" behaviour is simply appalling.

She's wrong in everything she said. Quite, quite wrong.

I'm quite Shock at the idea that taking a picture of a dying relative is a normal thing to do such that you criticise someone for not doing it.

People are weird about Facebook.

CoolCarrie · 01/04/2017 20:15

My df died in January this year, and I sent two of my friends on Facebook private messages as they had met my df and would want to know, but definitely didn't even think to announce it to everyone. You are not being cold at all,how could anyone say that to you? What a stupid thing to say to you! Sorry for your loss.

WormwoodScrubbed · 01/04/2017 20:19

My late Father made it clear he didn't want his death put on Facebook but I had to tell some people via that because I had no other way to contact them

If your 'friend' thought you were cold just over something like that I wonder how she'd feel about me - I still haven't told my younger sister that our older sister died six months ago

C8H10N4O2 · 01/04/2017 20:19

I think the appropriate response to your 'friend' is FOAD.

Its none of her damned business how you and your family grieve or cope with the lead up to death where someone is ill.

If she was an actual friend she could ask if there was anything useful she could do, talk to you about your DF if you feel up to it, or simply send a message of support and reassurance that she is there.

His death isn't her opportunity to do performance sympathy on FB

FairytalesAreBullshit · 01/04/2017 20:22

This is bonkers, your life to live how you want. YANBU at all. I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's hard but accept she is being bonkers and don't let her get to you.

elliejjtiny · 01/04/2017 20:26

Yanbu. I didn't post anything when my dad died either. I did share a charity fundraising page in his name a few months later, mainly because it was easier to do that than join in the actual plane jumping.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/04/2017 20:29

You are selfish because you denied her the opportunity to make your fathers death all about her, surely you can see that?! Hmm

Some people.......

I know someone who is just like that. When my friends young daughter died after a long illness, my cousin was all over FB about it. Except that she had never met my friend or her daughter and hadnt seen me for several years, but she would never let a chance to have lots of "OMG hope you are ok Hun" type posts on her wall pass her by. Needless to say I defriended and blocked her. Silly bitch.

hoopdeloop · 01/04/2017 20:34

So sorry for the loss of your father Flowers

She sounds like a right drama llama. It sounds like if you had posted a status, she would be all over it with lots of 'PM me hun' and various other gushing. But not follow through. So she looks like a concerned friend but not actually.

skincarejunkie · 01/04/2017 20:36

You have denied her the opportunity to publicly declare her love, support and say how amazing your DF was. I'm so sorry your mate's so desperate to feed off other people's misery. And I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

Xanadu44 · 01/04/2017 20:46

Your friend is a moron and should not be your friend for being so awful to you about a highly emotive and highly personal issue to YOU! Get rid of your friend. YANBU. She's a knob.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/04/2017 20:48

Whiskers, I'm so sorry for your loss. This person is not a friend, and you should no longer consider her one, she doesn't deserve the privilege.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and everything is allowed, there are no rights or wrongs.
You are going through a very difficult time, try not to give her ridiculously insensitive comments, any more head space. 💐😡

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2017 20:51

It's up to the individual to do what feels right to them. And others need to respect that right!!!

My DH found out a week ago on FB that one of his best friends had died that morning. He was devastated! To add to it, the 'announcement' was made by a third party posting a pic and an 'I'm going to miss you so much' type post on the deceased friend's FB time line thingy that was just ambiguous enough to not be an actual 'announcement'. Again, horrible. DH confirmed it by looking at some other comments on the post. I'm not on FB so I may not be using the right terms.

DH was beside himself because he hadn't heard from his friend's husband or another mutual friend and didn't know whether it would be the 'right time' to call or not. After a few hours of upset, he did speak to the friend's husband who was upset to know that getting the message out had been taken out of his hands (he's not on FB) as he would have preferred to make whatever phone calls he deemed necessary and ask those people to phone others.

This is ANOTHER reason I'm not on FB!

Doilooklikeatourist · 01/04/2017 20:53

The world has gone mad if it's thought it's ok to announce things like this on Facebook
I'm on Facebook with all my cousins and aunts , yet I felt it was appropriate to actually phone them and tell of Dads passing
Actually talking to people !!! Who'd have thought !!
I posted it on Facebook to a closed group of old friends , who were all supportive and helped me
Your friend is an idiot who needs to get off Facebook and have a real life

paddypants13 · 01/04/2017 21:02

Sorry for your loss op. Flowers Ignore your friend, everyone deals with things differently.

I never put bereavements on FB, I didn't want work colleagues knowing and offering condolences because that made it harder for me. Didn't stop my bloody big mouthed cousin tagging me in stuff about it on FB so everyone knew anyway. Ffs. Angry

bigbluebus · 01/04/2017 21:03

I know times have changed but I don't think that Facebook is the place to announce such things.
My DD died a few months ago and whilst FB messenger was a really useful way for me to contact many friends and acquaintances to tell them the news, I absolutely did not post anything at all on my newfeed. I was also very careful to phone important people in the correct order - ie making sure that no one else had the opportunity to post anything on FB or pass the news on until the closest people had been informed. This actually meant delaying telling some people as one important person could not be contacted until the end of the working day.

I cannot think of anything worse than finding out about the death of a beloved relative or friend on a FB post. Your friend is being unreasonable OP.

ForalltheSaints · 01/04/2017 21:10

YANBU.

Guitargirl · 01/04/2017 21:17

Very sorry for your loss OP.

That was a horrible thing for your so-called friend to say. I despair of some people, I really do. It's incredible how some people can try and make everything about them. And as for her comment about not taking a photo...absolutely ridiculous.

zeezeek · 01/04/2017 23:10

My mother died recently following a fairly rapid decline over 4 months. I didn't mention anything about it on Facebook, not least because we had a difficult relationship and so I didn't want to be a hypocrite, but also because it was private.

Anyway, an old "friend" took it upon herself to check in at the hospice where my mother was dying. Then after she died she wrote how she was going to miss her (even though she hadn't seen my mother in 20-odd years since she moved away to France) and then posted on my timeline some crap about her funeral (which I promptly deleted).

I just know that on the anniversary next year there will be more sentimental bollocks postings about her old, dear friend.

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