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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For objecting to being told I "should" downsize

42 replies

toconclude · 31/03/2017 22:16

We have a lovely Victorian cottage (not huge, four small rooms up two decent sized ones down, downstairs bathroom, maybe 1500 sq ft, walled back garden, no garage, no off-street parking) which we have lived in for 21 years and I love to bits. Have often remarked that I will leave it feet first.
Friend buts last time in with "but now younger DS is about to leave (for a flat we have bought him cash with savings in a cheaper area - his choice) you should sell up, move to a flat and give the rest to DS1 so he can buy] outright [DS1 also lives in cheaper area] because baby boomer generation owe it to them etc etc." Definitely 'should', not could.
This is, I hasten to add, someone with a bigger house in a more expensive area and 50% more household income than us - just their youngest isn't old enough to move out.

Sorry but no. DS1 not ready to buy yet, happy long term renter with nice landlady and in any case we are saving up again so he can have the same cash injection as DS2.
And I love my house and garden.
I just said "er no, not going to do that" and got the 'well, you're a bit greedy' expression.
IABU to think she IBU?

OP posts:
flumpsnshit · 31/03/2017 22:27

YANBU your friend is a twat !
Think you know that already though Wine

Crumbs1 · 31/03/2017 22:31

Ridiculous idea. Why would you move from your family home? We're a bit like peas rattling around in an empty pod too sometimes but then they arrive back. They bring partners, friends (son brought 8 friends for supper tonight and all are sleeping over) we still want to have wider family and friends to stay. We want large enough entertaining space for parties and hopefully weddings. We will help the children but we aren't about to move to do so.

Trumpssyrup · 31/03/2017 22:31

What rubbish! My parents live in a house they love and that what matters to me! No one gave them any help and that's what I expect too eg nothing (although my mum does help when she can!). Id rather my mum Enjoyed herself and drank champagne cocktails every day than gave us a penny! And you don't either. It sounds like you've given him what he wants anyway!!! Stop listening to so called "friends",,you know you've done the right thing.

EssentialHummus · 31/03/2017 22:33

It's entirely your (and your DH's, if you have one) decision. If she's so worried about your son she can bung him the deposit.

SparkleSunshine201 · 31/03/2017 22:40

That's ridiculous, it's your home and your right to stay. My darling Mum would not have left her home for the world, she didn't even want to go to hospital as she was happy there. My Grandma was the same, and stayed in her house alone until she died in her 90's. We were all happy that they had their own homes to feel secure in and that brings everyone comfort.

SquinkiesRule · 31/03/2017 23:14

Your friend is a bit stupid to suggest that when she has an even bigger home.
I hope you asked if she plans on selling up and giving it all to her Dc's.

LightDrizzle · 01/04/2017 01:19

Bollocks to that!

You have a walled garden! I love walled gardens.

Rainbunny · 01/04/2017 01:32

What a rude and stupid thing to say! Your friend sounds like a pompous busybody. I actually know a few people who think this way, that once the children are out of the house the house owners have an obligation to sell up to allow families to use the space. I get we that we have a housing shortage but in fact OP, your house is 1500 sq ft? That's not a huge space at all IMO, perfect for two people in fact :)

Lochan · 01/04/2017 01:33

My DPs actually bought a bigger house when they moved because they now have my siblings coming to stay with grandchildren and they wanted to be able to have visitors without lots of hassle.

They chose their retirement property very carefully with an eye to the future eg no stairs, low maintenance garden, on a bus route etc. But it's bigger than the house we grew up in.

I have never felt that they owed us anything.

Your friend is very rude. Apart from anything I bet your DSes won't want you to sell their childhood home.

emmyrose2000 · 01/04/2017 01:34

YANBU
Your "friend" is a crazy busybody.

Chloe84 · 01/04/2017 01:53

YANBU, your friend is being ridiculous. But I wonder if it's fair that DS2 gets a flat paid for by his parents, while DS1 rents?

Wouldn't it have been fairer to give them both money for deposits on homes?

I know you're saving for DS1 but DS2 has been given a headstart.

Out2pasture · 01/04/2017 02:08

there is no point in downsizing until your health needs change.
it's one thing to give up your home because you can't do stairs anymore or can't tend to the property.
but doing it as a gift to someone else at this stage is a bit premature.
risky as well should the young man get entangled with a lady and the relationship not work out....potentially loosing half of what you gift him to someone else.

Topseyt · 01/04/2017 02:14

Your "friend" sounds very rude and judgy.

You do as you want and are comfortable with. A home is far more than just a pile of bricks and mortar. You love your home and it works for you. Ignore.

My parents still live in the same three bedroom bungalow they bought back in 1970. I grew up there from the age of three.

The house is great for them now in their eighties. The garden is too big for them to fully manage, but they pay a gardener to come and do tasks they now can't.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/04/2017 02:16

YANBU but is DS2 going to be paying you back the money for the flat or any rent? Seems a bit unfair that DS2 should be living rent/mortgage free when DS1 doesnt through no fault of his own.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/04/2017 02:28

And seeing it from the other side, maybe your DS doesn't want to live in his childhood home. I know I didn't. We just moved back "home" to the city I grew up in and my DMum is still in the house I grew up in - just her, 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, yadda yadda. She is still very happy there and even if she wasn't and wanted to sell and downsize, I wouldn't want to live there. I want (and luckily have) my own place with DH and our little family, a place that is really ours.

Original poster
toconclude · 01/04/2017 07:46

Choe84: DS2 has a LD and won't be able to support a mortgage on what he is ever likely to earn. We haven't given him the money, the flat is in our names and will remain so, but he will live in it.
We did discussed fully with DS1 before doing this and are clear that when he's ready to buy (currently he isn't), we will be ready to help. And he will get the cash, no ties. He was fine with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
toconclude · 01/04/2017 07:49

PyongyangKipperbang

See above. He isn't getting the asset, he will just occupy it. And he will have to meet some bills from what he can earn, increasing if he manages to earn more.

OP posts:
Scribblegirl · 01/04/2017 07:53

I am a bit cross with my parents at the moment because they insist on living in a house that doesn't suit their needs (dad is disabled and frequently falls over and they live in a two storey house in the middle of nowhere). I do tell them frequently that they should downsize, but only because I'm worried for them in a house that isn't right for them. They're still clinging on though

Anyway, I saw your thread title and wondered if it was my mum having a moan about me!

In your scenario OP absolutely not ok, and I'm one of those young upstarts who goes on about the housing crisis whenever I have a Wine in hand Grin

Original poster
toconclude · 01/04/2017 07:54

Plus over the years DS1 has had rent deposits, temp accommodation costs, moving fees, driving lessons, new PC and quite a few other helpers. DS2 has lived with us at home and lived on his benefits/low earnings when he can get them.
As I always say "I strongly believe in the social redistribution of income, starting with my own family"

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/04/2017 08:00

Very strange, no one has ever said similar to us and we are also rattling round. In fact my daughter said the other day she thought it should be our forever home as she thinks it's lovely. I've never met anyone who sold their home to buy their kids a house.

Paninotogo · 01/04/2017 08:02

But if you have to save to give DS1 the same treatment, it does not really sound like you can afford it comfortably? Maybe that is what your friend meant? Why continue living in a house like that and have to save when you could have a better standard of living if you downsized.

peukpokicuzo · 01/04/2017 08:06

Your assets are your own and there is no "should" involved in what happens with your support of your offspring. You have no obligation to give any of your wealth to your dc while you are still breathing.

But there is something wrong with the way our society is balanced when all the 4 bed homes are occupied by empty-nesters whose adult children occupy the spare bedrooms 3 times a year whilst so many families with 3 kids are stuck in a 2 bed house because the supply and demand of the housing market makes an appropriate size of home unaffordable to them, or simply unavailable even if it is theoretically affordable.

I think there should be a disincentivising tax on owner-occupier and non-hb-supported private rentals for any household that under-occupies a home, with the proceeds going to building more housing for those suffering from overcrowding.

Hassled · 01/04/2017 08:11

We're also rattling around a bit - only DC4 permanently at home. But when the others are back with their partners and their mates it's crowded. As they get a bit older they'll be back less, I know, and won't all be home for Christmas etc but as it stands at the moment I want to be able to house them in the family home when they want it.

confuseddot · 01/04/2017 08:13

That's ridiculous. That's your home!!! Your children are very lucky that you have helped them in anyway. My parents couldn't afford to help me not that I expected them to. Your friend doesn't sound very bloody friendly!!

Original poster
toconclude · 01/04/2017 08:17

Panintogo: our finances are a bit more complicated than that, some of is is about taxation if we dip into DH pension pot instead of save my salary. We could give DS1 the same lump of cash now (if he wanted it, see above as he is not ready to buy yet - not yet decided where to settle longer term, has just started new job and his partner is just finishing a Masters) but would have to pay a chunk of tax to get at it via draw down and why do that if you don't have to?
Our standard of living is fine for us, not lavish but we don't do lavish. We have been mortgage free for years - yes, very lucky, we bought at a price a quarter of current sale value. We live on DH's good occupational pension and salt away most of my salary.

OP posts: