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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For objecting to being told I "should" downsize

42 replies

toconclude · 31/03/2017 22:16

We have a lovely Victorian cottage (not huge, four small rooms up two decent sized ones down, downstairs bathroom, maybe 1500 sq ft, walled back garden, no garage, no off-street parking) which we have lived in for 21 years and I love to bits. Have often remarked that I will leave it feet first.
Friend buts last time in with "but now younger DS is about to leave (for a flat we have bought him cash with savings in a cheaper area - his choice) you should sell up, move to a flat and give the rest to DS1 so he can buy] outright [DS1 also lives in cheaper area] because baby boomer generation owe it to them etc etc." Definitely 'should', not could.
This is, I hasten to add, someone with a bigger house in a more expensive area and 50% more household income than us - just their youngest isn't old enough to move out.

Sorry but no. DS1 not ready to buy yet, happy long term renter with nice landlady and in any case we are saving up again so he can have the same cash injection as DS2.
And I love my house and garden.
I just said "er no, not going to do that" and got the 'well, you're a bit greedy' expression.
IABU to think she IBU?

OP posts:

Paninotogo · 01/04/2017 08:21

I was not actually interested in your financial life story just offering a perspective about why your friend may feel the way she does. It does appear quite unfair to DS1.

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/04/2017 08:25

What absolute nonsense. Is your friend a bit jealous of your lovely cottage and garden? It is your decision to move if and when you decide that the place is getting too much for you - no-one else's.
Your 'friend' is cheeky. Ask her if she will be doing the same thing?
Have a nice cup of tea and a sit down whilst enjoying the view of your lovely garden.

Original poster

toconclude · 01/04/2017 08:28

Pantingogo - sorry, seemed the easiest way to explain why the facts (which she knows) don't fit.
I don't believe "fair" always means exactly the same treatment, one has to adjust to the situation and they have very different circumstances.

OP posts:

londonrach · 01/04/2017 08:30

Yanbu..in fact you need a bigger house soon when ds, ddil (in the future) and dgc come and stay. Thats what my parents discovered!

roundaboutthetown · 01/04/2017 08:41

Yes - silly to downsize, now. Someone in the family needs a house big enough for visitors, or you will see less of any future grandchildren, etc. Downsizing also inevitably means chucking stuff of sentimental value out before everyone is ready, nagging children to take away stuff they don't have space for either, and disposing of items that would have been useful in a few years time for someone if you'd had the space to hold onto them for a bit longer. Why would you all want to live in tiny flats now if you didn't have to?

Original poster

toconclude · 01/04/2017 09:01

londonrach. No Ddil/gks on horizon, DS's D Civil P not female... and they don't want to adopt, before anyone jumps.

round - exactly! We had to find a house with a dining room big enough or the heirloom dining table inherited from DH great grandparents. Which neither of DS wants to inherit, sigh.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2017 09:03

My parents "downsized" and lost a bedroom but ended up with a bigger more expensive house. It's a house that will suit them for retirement and is more conveniently located. The plan was never to free up cash to give to their DC.

Your friend should mind her own business. I can see why your sons' different needs and lives means that treating them equitably doesn't mean treating them identically.

Chloe84 · 01/04/2017 09:09

That makes sense, OP. Sounds like you are treating DSs fairly.

Hope you still have resource for holidays, etc.

ToastDemon · 01/04/2017 09:15

That's such a daft suggestion. Maybe you don't want to live in a flat? It's just DH and I but we prefer a bigger house with a garden.

ForalltheSaints · 01/04/2017 09:17

It is none of anyone else's business

PersianCatLady · 01/04/2017 09:22

But there is something wrong with the way our society is balanced when all the 4 bed homes are occupied by empty-nesters whose adult children occupy the spare bedrooms 3 times a year whilst so many families with 3 kids are stuck in a 2 bed house because the supply and demand of the housing market makes an appropriate size of home unaffordable to them, or simply unavailable even if it is theoretically affordable
Absolute nonsense.

I know that some people are going to hate me saying this but if you have no chance of affording a home for 2 adults and 3 kids to live in, then perhaps you shouldn't have 3 kids??

The fact that some people carefully plan their families according to their finances should not mean that they should feel guilty about living in spacious accommodation while other people struggle because they are overcrowded because they had big families when they couldn't afford to appropriately accommodate them.

Obviously in some cases life circumstances change and people end up in situations they had not planned for but I am not talking about people like that.

SlothMama · 01/04/2017 09:55

Your friend sounds like an idiot! Your Son is lucky enough that you purchased your son a flat anyway.

It's your home you stay in it.

altiara · 01/04/2017 10:07

It's none of her business! If she chooses to do that herself then it's her business.

cushioncovers · 01/04/2017 10:08

Yanbu you have helped your dc onto the property ladder already. Your home is yours. Your friends comment is unreasonable

QuiltingFlower · 01/04/2017 14:54

Remember that 'downsizing' does not always release much in monetary terms. Round here a small bungalow costs about the same or slightly more than a similarly sized house. Add in transaction, moving and stamp duty costs and there is little point in making the change. We would downsize if we could afford it!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/04/2017 14:59

Well, it was just her opinion. I assume you said "don't be daft, I'm staying put, and did I ask for your opinion?" and then changed the subject.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 01/04/2017 15:03

Paninotogo She's staying in 'a house like that and saving' because she loves it! I get it. I love my house too. It's too big for us now several of our children have left, and I daresay at some point we'll downsize - but probably not for another 10-15 years. I have spent most of my life scrimping on stuff for myself so that the kids could have things. I'm fucked, quite frankly, if I'm going to spend my old age doing the same so that they can have my cash to buy houses. Fortunately they don't expect it. It is a pity that I can see them struggling greatly to get on the housing market, or stuck in smaller houses than they'd ideally like. But that's the way it is. As a grown up I didn't expect my parents to keep sacrificing things so I could have money from them.

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