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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if dh is using bathroom time to avoid family time.

52 replies

Linkedout · 31/03/2017 17:12

Dh works hard and is great for hen he is around, however.....

He gets up at 6.30 and leaves at 7.15 (before anyone else is up) during this time he will leisurely get himself ready, have breakfast and leave a mess.

I also work full time and get up at 7.20ish, get 2xdc up, dressed, breakfasted, and our to childminder. I then go to work.

I then do my full day's work, pick up dc's get home make dinner clear up etc.

Dh gets in about 6. Has his dinner, then spends 45 mins in the bathroom on the toilet and showering. By then it is 6.45 and we have to get dc's ready for bed.

I get so annoyed about it, can't see how it can take so long. So aibu to find this infuriating???

OP posts:
RB68 · 31/03/2017 17:36

blimey o reilly did he have a Nanny - pooing once a day precisely at 6pm!!!

45 min is fair enough in the am but he should be cleaning up his mess and setting things out to help you with the kids - set table or put out tea and juice cups etc, empty dishwasher etc

The evening thing is weird - if he wants a shower fair enough but 45 mins too long - 20 mins shower and change is about right - he needs to be doing story time at least

SapphireStrange · 31/03/2017 17:36

He's a lazy twat.

Tell him to clear up after himself.

PovertyPain · 31/03/2017 17:41

Tell him you've decided that the children are going to go to bed at 7.30, as you think 6.45 is too early. His reaction will speak volumes.

greedygorb · 31/03/2017 17:43

DH does this. Come home at 7, has his tea and then retires to the upstairs bathroom for up to an hour with his tablet or phone. Did it prekids as well. No idea what takes an hour but honestly don't care. It really bothered me when DS was small and very hard going and I seriously needed 5 minutes to myself.

BunnyChickChocolateEgg · 31/03/2017 17:44

It's sad how some men seem to create a routine to avoid time with their kids....
My ex used to have to work late most nights, coming home after they were in bed. When I mentioned all the late working to his colleague at an Xmas do she laughed and said he was playing computer games, not working! Then she seemed really sorry - she hadn't realised I had completely believed that he HAD to stay late.
I'd force him into spending that time with the kids, and I'd talk to him about how you find it disappointing that he isn't making the effort to do that anyway.

BunnyChickChocolateEgg · 31/03/2017 17:44

It's sad how some men seem to create a routine to avoid time with their kids....
My ex used to have to work late most nights, coming home after they were in bed. When I mentioned all the late working to his colleague at an Xmas do she laughed and said he was playing computer games, not working! Then she seemed really sorry - she hadn't realised I had completely believed that he HAD to stay late.
I'd force him into spending that time with the kids, and I'd talk to him about how you find it disappointing that he isn't making the effort to do that anyway.

Wando1986 · 31/03/2017 17:46

No one else thinking he's probably using the time to have a gander at some xxx on his phone and have a daily wank to relax after work? My mind is obviously in the gutter. Either that or he saves his poo up all day for home.

Original poster
Linkedout · 31/03/2017 17:46

Thanks for the repli s.

Sorry the timings are approximate as he doesn't get in at exactly 6 every day.

I'm starting to think maybe he is leaving early to avoid the crazy mornings too.

I just feel like he priorities getting himself sorted, whereas I only sort myself out once all the kids are sorted.i suppos I feel a bit Sad that he doesn't want to rush.

I also feel a bit that my life revolves around dc's and homeand the knows this, so knows I will pick up any slack. He doesn't really have to worry Bout anything as I will always do anything he has not done iyswim.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 31/03/2017 17:47

I would make it very clear he needs to clean up after himself in the morning, seeing as you're the one dealing with the children solo in the morning, and that showering for himself has to wait until he's helped feed/entertain/cook for/clean up after/bedtime routine the children.

He's taking the piss. You work full time, too. ( It's about hours, not income difference, if he's thinking that, btw) Your responsibility for the children and their needs (and the home's) should be no greater than his when you're both home.

I would be furious.

MrsMackenzo · 31/03/2017 17:53

Why is he taking 45 minutes to use the toilet and shower?

There's no way it can possibly be taking that long, unless he has serious and chronic constipation - in which case I'd advise heading to the GP pronto.

lazytuesday · 31/03/2017 17:54

It would be okay if he was also fine with you getting to do that regularly. I have an hour long bath every other night and my husband watches our son during it. In itself its not wrong. Everyone needs a bit of space for themselves. The problem seems to be more that you arent getting any space?
So i think you should have a word with him about it. I wouldnt go down the route of telling him its because you want him to have family time because im not really sure that is fair. Some people want to spend and enjoy spending a lot of time with their kids but some people need more space for themselves. If its a case that you actually enjoy spending that extra time with your children and you are demanding that he must too then that is a little unfair. If however its because you also want some space and hes taking it all and leaving all the childcare to you then i think you have solid grounds for getting very upset about that and demanding that you also get some time to yourself.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 31/03/2017 17:55

Blimey I wish my DH only took 45 mins for ablutions! I'd say that's not bad for the three S's. But yes he should clean up after himself in the mornings.

Wauden · 31/03/2017 17:58

He seems like he might respond better to actions. I like all the practical suggestions here. I think you could do some, just act, change your routine, say Daddy wants to play snakes and ladders this evening, etc, and leave them to it as you go off and amuse yourself. Otherwise he might call it nagging...

JigglyTuff · 31/03/2017 17:59

I work in a very male-dominated field and the number of male colleagues that come in early and leave late so that they can avoid all the shit of childcare is extraordinarily high.

Basically, their lives don't change when they have children. And they should.

RJnomore1 · 31/03/2017 18:03

Hmm. How old are your children and does your bathroom have one of the locks you can open from the outside so you can plonk them in with him

annielouise · 31/03/2017 18:06

I used to work in a large office the City and when I'd leave say at 6pm there'd be a number of men just sitting there, reading the paper, online, not in a rush to get home. I twigged they were getting a later train and joked one night "trying to avoid the bed/bath routine, are we?" So obvious and not nice at all.

Nousernameforme · 31/03/2017 18:11

Tbh I wouldn't be wanting to force him to spend time with his kids if he doesn't want to that's up to him but I also wouldn't be hanging around. He is either part of the family or he isn't no half measures.
Chill out time is for both of you when the kids are in bed.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/03/2017 18:15

HIBU with

  1. Leaving a mess
  2. No contribution to parenting in the morning, if he has to leave before children wake he could at least be getting breakfast ready
  3. Absenting himself for a huge part of the evening
Hulder · 31/03/2017 18:21

Morning routine is OK but he shouldn't be leaving a mess.

Evening - yes he's opting out of family time. Hide his phone so he can't take it to the loo with him or get in there first and barricade yourself in.

NetflixandBill · 31/03/2017 19:28

No reason in the morning that he should be leaving a mess. It would be helpful for him to empty the dishwasher or peg some washing out if its a fine day too. A cup of tea on the bedside table for you before he leaves maybe?

The 45 mins in the bathroom every day is over the top too. He should be doing the same as you at bedtime then you can both relax as you wish. It's blatant avoidance imo.

StarlingMurderation · 31/03/2017 19:30

I think DP uses his pooing time to avoid family time, some days. "Oh, I think I need the toilet!", grabs his book and fucks off for half an hour just when DS decides to throw a tantrum/needs a nappy change/wants to run around in the garden. Does my nut.

Lostin3dspace · 31/03/2017 19:42

ExH did this. He would dissapear into the loo and have a shower just 10 mins before the kids should have been on the school yard, which involved a car trip. They were late every day. We got letters about it. We had split the childcare arrangements thus: he gave them breakfast and took them to school, I collected and made dinner. But he was an uncommunicative and passive aggressive arse, so the game was to do the job badly so that I would pick up the slack and do both ends of the childcare day. I knew this was the game, so I would leave for work regardless. He would get angry and say 'well you could take them..."
I knew the kids would be late, but there was nothing for it.
Then when he came in after work, he would just go straight upstairs, and 'fanny about' for an hour so that he didn't have to eat with us and got no table clearing or dishwasher loading duties. I knew this too. Then he would get his laptop out, eat the dinner I had made alone with his laptop, and ignore everyone all evening. Then wonder why I wasn't really keen on sex, given the non relationship we had.
All passive aggressive. I knew I could not discuss it with him, it would be twisted about to make it all my fault. He must have known I knew the game fully.

Blanca87 · 31/03/2017 20:00

Get. Him. TELT.

Jux · 31/03/2017 22:13

Put all his morning mess into a box marked "For DH". As soon as you hear his key in the door or his foot on the path, grab the front door, say "oh great! You're here!" and run upstairs, locking the bathroom door behind you, turn taps on full and sing loudly so you can't hear him (or at least he thinks you can't Wink ).

If he has anything to say about it later, ask him whether he'd prefer to do mornings or evenings? Don't back down. They're his children too. He needs to start taking responsibility for his environment too, like hoovering every Saturday.....

Notcontent · 31/03/2017 22:54

Yes, I think it is quite common for men to use work as an escape from having to deal with young children.