to feel uncomfortable with what's going on?

[Girlonatubetrain]

Ok, so will try and keep it brief,

So the background
A woman and her family moved into our street a couple of years back and have since then, become very good family friends. Our DHs get on well, kids in same school, help each other with childcare etc.

End of last year, DF had an affair, her DH knows since the new year and they have been trying to save their marriage. She is unsure she wants to stay in her marriage but her DH loves her and they are trying to fix things (she has told me this week she is still unhappy to I’m guessing the marriage will end). The OM is out of the picture now, from what she says.

DF claims that the stress of her unhappy marriage and the resulting affair have caused her to have a nervous breakdown. She is on anti-depressants. I have spent many an hour listening to her being upset with her life in general and do regard her as a good friend, who needs people to lean on.

And my problem –
My DH has his own business very close to our homes. I work from home quite a bit. Over the last couple of weeks, whenever I’ve popped in to see DH when on a lunch break etc, she has been there. I have even offered to drop her home when I leave and she has said, she’ll hang back for a bit. It sounds ridiculous, but my DH even has her preferred brand of beverage there for when she visits, but not mine!

I spoke to DH about it last week as I feel its crossing a line and am very uncomfortable about it. DH reassures me there is nothing to worry about. He then started to tell me about how she’s just going through a mental rough patch and how she’d msgd him the other morning that she was struggling to get out of bed!

Everytime I pop in to visit, which is max twice a week and only for 10mins at a time, he makes out he is really busy and doesn’t really speak to me but just gets on with his work. So how can she always be there if he is ignoring her in the same way? So can only assume, when she’s there, he has time for her?

I get that she is having a hard time at the moment. I also understand she needs support and friends. It may be that she is just using him as an emotional crutch like shes used me the last few months. But . . . . I still feel that they are crossing a line and I am unhappy about it. To know they are spending so much time together (& that’s just the ones I know about) and now to know that they are PMing each other rather than the group chat with the 2 wives and 2 husbands on it, doesn’t sit well with me . . .

I love my DH and do trust him, but still feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation. DH and I have since fallen out since the start of this week because of this and are barely on speaking terms.

Im sure his reason would be I haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just supporting DF and DW is blowing it into something bigger.
But AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

I certainly don't think YABU. I would not be at all happy with this.

I always say-trust your gut.

She's after your husband.

If he is indignantly denying all, play along. You might to want frame your talk to DH along the lines of concern for her behaviour, not his.

Say, eg, It's unfair on her to lean on a married man who can't give her what she wants, she needs to sort the marriage rather than focusing on him, and how unfair DH is being by offering the shoulder when she is vulnerable, wants more, and could be cruelly hurt.

If you make the point that DH might be trying to help her but he is leading to more grief, he'll have to back off if he is, as they claim, only a friend.

If he doesn't react to that, you're in trouble. I suspect they are teetering on the edge, and she'll be pushing them over with all her might.

I think my approach on any subsequent chats with your DH would be along the lines of "Look, it's not you I don't trust, it's her". Any sensible person who knew she had had an affair and was someone who attached herself to people would have maintained a MUCH healthier distance, not necessarily because they think they might want to shag them, but just because it's sensible to maintain a boundary with somebody like that and to make it very clear that it's not possible for her to pop round for chats. If he had any sense he'd not be responding to her messages either. He could say "Come round for tea with the kids later, me and Mrs Girlon would love to see you" and you do it together but he keeps her a bit more at arms length. It's not even really about trust it's about the appropriateness of how you would interact with someone like this who clearly isn't quite emotionally stable (and she won't be if her marriage is looking unsalvageable).

So that would be the angle I'd be going in at. Ask him how awkward and damaging to the relationship that you have and he has with her if she made a pass at him? Why is he giving opportunity for something like that to happen (and again, reiterate it's not about you not trusting him, it's about him being sensible, recognising she's emotionally vulnerable at the moment and has had an affair before and it's just sensible procedure to no meet with her at lunchtimes on his own). He should have said oh sorry I can't sit and chat with you on the regular, I'm really busy and anyway when I do get time for a lunch break I like to spend it with MrsGirlon".

He's being a bit naive I suppose is what I'm thinking. He may be secure in his own thinking but she's clearly a risk if only to the point that she gets emotionally attached and he's having to field endless messages and then she phones him in tears and she makes an awkward pass at him - he needs to realise that even if he does nothing and doesn't reciprocate, he could be setting himself - and her - and you - up for some actions that she might take which would ruin a perfectly decent (to date) relationship and shared times with both sets of kids etc.

STBXH was like this with a mutual friend. She was having a tough time and he was helpful. I felt sorry for her too, I told him to buy her flowers when a particularly bad thing happened. I fully supported him in his support for her.

Yeah, they're together now.

I would not be happy with this, and the thing I'd be most unhappy with is the difference between how he's treating her - as important and worthy of noticing things like her favourite drink, and as worthy of giving up his precious time for - and how he's treating you. In view of my experience I'd be throwing my toys out of the pram too. But your H may not be the needy bottomless bucket for validation that mine was...good luck.

Agree with everyone, YANBU. They are crossing boundaries. Messaging him to say she can't get out of bed? Inappropriate. She has poor boundaries having an affair already with a friend, your DH calling her a 'nutter' and 'high maintenance' doesn't mean anything. He's deflecting; 'high maintenance' actually makes him sound a bit in awe of her.
Tbh I wouldn't trust my friend if I knew they had had an affair; why would you? it proves they're untrustworthy.

Do not let anyone dismiss your feelings, if you feel something is wrong, the odds are it is.Go with your instincts.

By the way, at the same time as being (as he later admitted) obsessed with this woman, he said all kinds of things about her (including that she was a nutter) to me.

I have no real advice, as I don't think anything I could have done would have changed what happened.

I would tell him that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour towards him, that she's got 'form' of finding another man to give her emotional support rather than dealing with her lack of emotional connection with her husband, and seems from what she's said to you and what you've seen is lining him up at the next Other Man.

Sooner or later, she's going to make a move, you do trust that he'll turn her down, but he must understand when that happens, you both will have to cut both her and her DH out of your lives if your marriage is going to last. If he doesn't want it to get to that stage, he's going to have to take action now to nip this in the bud. Not be available to see her when you aren't around or her DH is around. Don't be in private text conversations or whatsapp while she's in such a "vunerable" state.

If he's not prepared to do this, then you can only conclude he'll be happy for her to make a move at him. Is he enjoying the attention deep down? Because he seems to be risking your marriage for the thrill of enjoying being needed by someone else.

Spell it out, you believe she wants to sleep with him. He is clearly encouraging her. Even if he plans to turn her down when she finally offers, you will view him as very cruel to have led her along and question if you can trust him.

This doesn't bode well. Your 40/45/50 year old husband is spending a lot of time with a 25/30/35 year old woman who resembles you and they are messaging every day ? What on earth do they have to talk about ? I'd be highly suspicious. Will he let you see their messages if it's all so innocent ?

The stuff about her being highly strung etc. all sounds like a bit of a smokescreen to me.

She is slowly stroking his ego. .
Then one day she will be stroking his penis. .

a lot of good advice here.
think I've been playing it down but everyone seems in agreement that there is something here to be uncomfortable about.

I cannot be sure how often they are msginh each other.
I knew they were seeing each other daily for last couple of weeks, suspect the msgs are not as frequent (no need if seeing each other anyway!)

I'm out tonight but wondering if I need to cancel my plans in order to talk this out. Unfortunately we have plans with my DS tomorrow and MIL on Sunday. not sure I can have the patience to leave it til Monday.

I'd speak to him today, too otherwise the weekend events will get in the way of a good time to talk.

How much work is he not getting done because she's at his workplace every day?

I know lots of folks who run their own businesses and very few take a regular lunchbreak.

Well I would say they're either having an affair or she's trying to.

Either way he's prioritising her over you, and that's not ok.

Also; she's supposed to be your friend too. I get on well with some of my friends DHs, but I would just never start visiting them every day, and texting them all the time; cuz they are my friends husbands!!!

I think your DH is being incredibly disrespectful. He should care that this bothers you.

I wouldn't frame it only in terms of it is "her" you are worried about. I think his contribution and his ignoring your concerns are very hurtful.

I've got friends who've had affairs - even though they're dear friends I do trust them less than my non - affaired friends.

I think she sounds like a bit of a vampire, with a bottomless emotional vacuum that will never be filled. She will always be living off getting other people to help her in her all neediness.

I think you all got too friendly with her in the first place, she does not have boundaries, and she is trouble.

Your husband may have just been sucked in and is in the trap of not wanting to hurt a person he sees as a poor woman in distress, and no doubt she is manipulative.

I wonder of you should do your best to stay calm and ignore this, but make sure your home life is normal and pleasant; and plan to do things together alone with your family and husband away from all this as often as you all can? Do nice exciting things yourself too.

Maybe that way he'll get desperate to get rid of her hanging around of his own accord, rather than because of you getting angry. Don't let him/her cast you as the unreasonable jealous bitch.

I go there whenever I take a 'lunchbreak' buthe its not necc at a lunch time
and find her there

therefore I don't believe she goes there at lunchtime
I think she is there from as early as 9 after school drop off, and stays as late as school pick up allows
I don't think it's 6 hrs a day, 5 days a week
and I have no proof
but I suspect it's minimum 2hrs and 4 days a week this is happening

I've found her there too often at too different a time for it to be less than that

Doesn't want to be a bad friend? Happy to be a bad husband though eh.

Very very dangerous teritory.. The fact that she said 'your husband loves you etc etv' makes him more desirable, iyswim?

Nothing more desirable than a dotting husband and good father to a woman who basically has a loose moral compass.

Put an end to it before it becomes a problem.

How (and why) does she have his number to 'message him'?

None of my friends have my OH's number. Why would they?

OP, what is she like when you turn up and find her at his workplace? How is she with you and what is she actually doing when she is there ? Sitting or standing next to him ? What's her demeanour ?

I have to say, I do object quite a bit to the majority of the blame being attributed to the friend. OP's DH is presumably quite happy for her to visit, otherwise he'd ask her not to and ignore her messages. She may have "form" but there's no suggestion that her OM wasn't an equal and willing participant

How does her dh feel about it? Find out.