to feel uncomfortable with what's going on?

[Girlonatubetrain]

Ok, so will try and keep it brief,

So the background
A woman and her family moved into our street a couple of years back and have since then, become very good family friends. Our DHs get on well, kids in same school, help each other with childcare etc.

End of last year, DF had an affair, her DH knows since the new year and they have been trying to save their marriage. She is unsure she wants to stay in her marriage but her DH loves her and they are trying to fix things (she has told me this week she is still unhappy to I’m guessing the marriage will end). The OM is out of the picture now, from what she says.

DF claims that the stress of her unhappy marriage and the resulting affair have caused her to have a nervous breakdown. She is on anti-depressants. I have spent many an hour listening to her being upset with her life in general and do regard her as a good friend, who needs people to lean on.

And my problem –
My DH has his own business very close to our homes. I work from home quite a bit. Over the last couple of weeks, whenever I’ve popped in to see DH when on a lunch break etc, she has been there. I have even offered to drop her home when I leave and she has said, she’ll hang back for a bit. It sounds ridiculous, but my DH even has her preferred brand of beverage there for when she visits, but not mine!

I spoke to DH about it last week as I feel its crossing a line and am very uncomfortable about it. DH reassures me there is nothing to worry about. He then started to tell me about how she’s just going through a mental rough patch and how she’d msgd him the other morning that she was struggling to get out of bed!

Everytime I pop in to visit, which is max twice a week and only for 10mins at a time, he makes out he is really busy and doesn’t really speak to me but just gets on with his work. So how can she always be there if he is ignoring her in the same way? So can only assume, when she’s there, he has time for her?

I get that she is having a hard time at the moment. I also understand she needs support and friends. It may be that she is just using him as an emotional crutch like shes used me the last few months. But . . . . I still feel that they are crossing a line and I am unhappy about it. To know they are spending so much time together (& that’s just the ones I know about) and now to know that they are PMing each other rather than the group chat with the 2 wives and 2 husbands on it, doesn’t sit well with me . . .

I love my DH and do trust him, but still feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation. DH and I have since fallen out since the start of this week because of this and are barely on speaking terms.

Im sure his reason would be I haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just supporting DF and DW is blowing it into something bigger.
But AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

He definitely needs to stop this.

You should be his priority

Some men like having a needy woman so that they can solve all their problems and be a hero. Self sufficient women do make them feel that way. Keep yer eyes peeled, id be suspicious

so pleased it's not just me . . . .
thought I was being paranoid and a poor friend

I am just not comfortable with the whole thing and the fact that other than telling me I had no reason to feel this way during the conversation, DH has don't nothing to alleviate my worry

while having a very awkward dinner the other night, I tried to talk to him about her mental health, he started again telling me how he'd thought the same when he'd spoken to her earlier
so he doesn't seem to have cut down the contact . . . .

sorry, DH is 15 years older than DF

oh hellllllllllllll nah. YANBU! Sorry nothing useful to add. Isn't "I don't like it DH so pack it in" a decent enough argument though?

I think alarm bells would be ringing for me.

1 - she's clearly unhappy and willing to have an affair
2 - your DH knows this and is putting aside time to talk to her daily.

More importantly than this though, your friend and your husband know you are uncomfortable and neither are willing to back off. Even if it's completely innocent, it's hurting you and they're supposed to care about you.

I would distance yourself massively from your supposed friend, and pointedly tell her why if she asks.
I would also tell DH you're not happy, and maybe ask how he would feel if an unsettled, unhappy man was messaging you / spending time with you and taking up headspace? Tell him what you want - you want him to step back, stop making time for her in the day (and stop buying her favourite drink ffs) and stop messaging.

I would also (although I know lots of people wouldn't) reach out to friends husband and sound out his view on this. I wonder how much he knows? Maybe she is being secretive in the way she was when having an affair and he's worried about her?

Err tell her to back of and tell him to distance himself.
They are well on the way to an emotional affair of nothing else (imo).

I would go to his work on a different day to normal and at a different time, if I were in this situation.

And YY to going to his workplace unannounced and at a time he won't expect you

I think it would be entirely reasonable to sit him down and say that you trust him but that you feel very uncomfortable with this situation. That you know your friend is vulnerable and you think she may in danger of becoming too emotionally reliable on him. That you feel hurt and pissed off that he is short with you if you visit him at work yet he seems to have time for her.

I don't think that any of that is unreasonable.

YADNBU and sadly I think it's too late they are in an affair already , whether an emotional one or physical it doesnt really matter, I am sorry OP but you need to get to grips with what is going on, good luck my dear

Keith - I have already said all of that

the result was telling me
there is nothing for me to be uncomfortable about
and awkwardness between us ever since

I think YANBU to feel uncomfortable with this, it does seem inappropriate, can't understand why your DH isn't seeing it that way too.

My XH didn't like his best friend's wife, as she cheated on her first H with his mate, before she married him then again after the marriage, and then married his mate.

XH referred to her as highly strung, hard work and high maintenance and felt really sorry for his mate. She then cheated on his mate, with.. XH.

XH now lives with the "highly strung woman" and their child.

I felt uncomfortable when I discovered an email between them and then went on to discover thousands of texts between them, at a time when XH suddenly declared that he no longer loved me.

Just a warning for you. If you feel uncomfortable, then listen to your instincts. They should not be messaging each other secretly, if they have they have crossed the line.

Your husbands response to your concerns is flabbergasting. He should be pushing her away, not you. I'd bring it up again, awkward or not and say "Its not about whether i've anything to worry about with regards to an affair, its that i'm unhappy with the level of intimacy you have with her now, and if you care about me you will take a step back, or we will have other, more serious things to discuss, like why my feelings don't matter to you"

Really honestly if this were me at this exact point i'd be chucking my toys out of the pram.

By ''this point'' i mean i'd told him kindly that i was unhappy with what was going on. NOT what i think MIGHT be going on - there's a big difference - i was unhappy with what was going on right now - and he'd not stopped it or taken any steps to back off and reassure me.

By ''chucking my toys out the pram'' i mean i'd be telling him i didn't trust her and i was loosing my trust in him and the ball was in his court to stop me walking out or chucking him out.

Over reaction in some peoples eyes. But that's what i'd do.

To be fair to them, if her visits are a relatively new thing, they may be telling the truth. Nothing inappropriate has occurred. Yet.

They are both obviously enjoying it, and to be honest the constant messaging would be more of a concern to me. its unusual.

It's an awkward situation; the more of a "fuss" you make, the more it bonds them together in a way. It's dreadful that your DH can't see it from your point of view, but I suspect that's because he's enjoying her attention. As she is enjoying his.

I'd be very uncomfortable with this.

Not that I don't trust my DH but that lines were being gradually crossed and he might end up in a situation he didn't intend to get to.

In your place I'd be sitting down with my DH and calmly setting out my issues with this and pointing out where it's going to end up (with her propositioning him)

I think these are the key points:

She is clearly vulnerable and unhappy, she also lacks integrity and normal social boundaries so no relationship with her is going to follow "normal" rules.

She's using her time with your DH to give herself an ego boost (via doing the same to your DH) but it isn't real.

She's meant to be working on fixing the mess she's made of her marriage - cosy chats and private messaging with another married man will not further this end.

He's friends with her husband - how would the husband feel about private messages and meetings (given that she's recently had an affair and trust will be in low supply. I guarantee the DH isn't aware of them.

Having her drink stocked but not yours - ask him what message that sends to her? And to you. He needs to stop that immediately.

What's he going to do when the inevitable day comes when she propositions him at work? It's going to be mortifying and (given her mental health isn't good) his inevitable rejection of her will make her worse not better.

He may think he's helping your friend but he's not. He's not helping her mental health, he's not helping her marriage, he's not helping her DH or children.

Your DH is hurting you by his actions. It doesn't matter if he is completely trustworthy and faithful, he's still hurting you.

I would be asking for all private messaging to stop (and I'd want to see what had been written so far) and for him to put an end to cost work time chats.

If he doesn't want to do that, he really has to consider how far he has already gone into an inappropriate and dangerous relationship with this woman.

As far as she's concerned, she's blatantly after your DH, I would no longer be opening my sofa or ear to her. Minimal civil neighbour relations only. And I'd discuss none of the above with her. Your relationship is none of her business.

This is the beginning of something. Your H is already ring-fencing it, protecting the time they spend together. It's not ok. You need to be his priority. How often does he see his friends?

This needs to be nipped in the bud.

I mean, how often does he see his other friends? This goes beyond the occasional social meet up.

So he said he thinks she is a 'nutter'. He also said he thinks less of her for having an affair.

Doesn't quite add up than why he is allowing her to spend quality time with him.

You are being way too understanding about this.

You have told him you are uncomfortable with the situation, but he basically doesn't give a shiny shit about how you feel and is putting her needs above yours.

Agreed. If she is a nutter and he thimks less of her why is he spending time with her.

Sorry but i'd be concerned he is putting her down to mask his true feelings or intentions.

He might just feel flattered about a younger woman confiding in him, but I agree, he should stop for the reason it makes you uncomfortable.

I'm guessing if you were friends with a younger male who was leaning on uou during marital issues, and he asked you to stop you would do so? Or would you feel he was being unreasonable.

He needs to respect your feelings. Even if you are being unreasonable (and you are NOT) they are YOUR feelings and you can't be argued out of them.

It is also not so much the time he is spending with her, but that he is not spending equivalent (or greater) time with you. It could be a male friend, or one of the famous Mumsnet hobbies, but it is coming first and you are coming second and that is not what marriage is about.

Your needs must be paramount.