Hate my MIL WWYD

[eletralambchop]

Hi!
Verg simple: I hate my MIL. She's rude. She's offensive. She's racist.
I am from abroad married to a lovely English man. I don't know how such sweet person could share the same genes with someone so nasty and bitter like his mum.

Anything that is about me, my country, my culture or my family is rubbish. "Your dad is a snob and over the top (because he wanted to give me a car to go around with my DS); your dad is outdated (he's a doctor); what sort of doctor he is if he believes in God?. "Your mother is so superficial... I mean she does nothing". I found that very rude but I didn't care when she said those things.
"People from your country are so superficial, aren't they"...
"Here in England we don't need cleaners or our family around. We know how to do things properly by ourselves". "You should go back to work after a few months after having the baby. Every woman does that in England and we manage". "You should be working full time now like every English woman". DS is 7 months old.

Oh and she has this thing of pulling faces at people behind their back. She sticks her tongue out and shakes her head like a child.

She loves to whisper unpleasant things when you're in the middle of doing something or when you're leaving to somewhere else.

I know I know... those things are not that bad and sound very silly but they built up for the last 6 years. Every time we go to visit my in-laws I get upset the week before because I know she'll annoy me once I'm there.

She's from a small village, simple life, no education. She won't change.

We are planning the next visit and my husband wants to stay for one week. I don't think I can hold my tongue this time and I'm dreaming about telling her to shut up that bloody sarcastic mouth.

If anyone with similar experience could give me some insights about what kind of responses she should hear when she's sarcastic/rude I would be glad!

Wow, what a bully. It sounds like she had a horrible time bringing up her own DC and is resentful of that fact and taking it out on you. No excuse though. And completely lacking in compassion as you probably have your own struggles.

And yes, absolutely reasonable to stay away from her.

She is dreadful!
I would certainly never visit for anything like a week. Make that extremely clear to your DH.
If you go and visit, for a few hours maximum - even if it is the other end of the country - have a Hotel and other plans to escape to. Well if you go and visit, have either your phone on record or a small dictaphone, so you can record what she says when DH is out of the room.

And most English women do not go back to full time work by 7 months - thats why we have decent maternity leave.

Great post Mummy !

You definitely need to nip it in the bud she sounds horrific. I would call her on it every time. Point out she's being rude, point out she's being racist and that's illegal and point out you are well aware that lots of English women don't do xyz actually and that you're surprised she doesn't know this what with being so patriotic and all. If your dh is nearby I would call him through and repeat whatever she just said "dh can you come here a sec, your mum was just saying ALL English women go back to work 7 mths after having a baby, is that true?" Etc etc.

Or simply tell her to piss off and say you thought that's what English women do when their mil's are bitches to them

oh I do hate that "well if it was good enough for me then it's good enough for you" shit. Tall poppy syndrome, that is - how very dare you try to have a better life for you and your children than she did!

Such a pile of shit. I don't think I'd go to her house again ever either, certainly not to stay, and absolutely 100% not for a whole fecking week!

As contrary says so well:

At some point, when your child is older, they will understand that their grandmother is being nasty/mean/cruel about their mother, their heritage, their maternal family

And by extension, them . They are half you.

This unfortunately is why you and dh need to be very clear that this stops, now.

Tell her STERNLY to stop it and you will not put up with her put down, racism and rudeness. If she carries on take you ds and tell your husband you are leaving unless she apologises. Do not back down and let her treag you this way.

Op can only echo what others have said - YOU have my deep sympathy however. I hate mine as well, she makes all our lives utterly miserable, goodness knows what she has got wrong with her I dont care anymore.

Jeez she sounds like a nightmare! I used to work with a woman who said similar things. She was a complete martyr - e.g. She would notice if someone got a new car and then bang on and on about how nice it would be to afford one, but hey, she didn't mind. Or she'd be washing up so someone would offer to dry and she'd be all "It's fine, I can manage, I have to don't I?!" She was always very scornful about the use of gadgets that she didn't have/didn't exist when her kids were young, etc.

I gradually realised that she was extremely miserable and insecure. Also very jealous of everyone and their perceived perfect lives compared with her own. Once I started calling her on her rudeness she had nowhere to go and began sucking up to me.

I think your MIL is jealous of you. It doesn't excuse her behaviour at all. I would call her out every single time, and I wouldn't be staying with her for a week - no way! Good luck.

How does MIL behave when she's on your territory eletralambchop?
I wouldn't go, but if I couldn't get out of it it would be a flying visit or a hotel stay with meetings in public places.
Why on earth should you have to put up with that?

A week is a very long time to put up with this. Do not go and stay with her for a week. Is it the sort of area you might go on holiday and rent a cottage for a week, just popping in to see her a few times?

And if she says anything rude I would just call her out on it and say "that's rude". You don't need to deal with this.

Why are you going at all? What would your Dh response be if you said you will not go?

Thanks for all responses!
I totally agree. She IS jealous and tries to bring me down. I wish I were a phycologist and understand the reason for that.
I always make that face and I don't know how to react properly.

This morning I spoke to DH and we decided to go there on Saturday and come back on Sunday. We would need to rearrange some other commitments to spend a full week away and I said we should not really do that. So two days with the witch only! But I won't underestimate her capacity of being a efficient cow.

"People from my country are [insert here anything she says]? I thought the English were meant to be polite. We could both be wrong"

I think I can use it almost every time she opens her mouth.

And she never comes to visit us really. My DH's parents wait for us to invite them and we just don't .

Sugarpiehoneyeye
I only speak to DS in my mother tongue. You should see her face.

All your replies gave me a lot of reassurance and our next visit will be different. I never wanted to come out as the rude DIL specially being from abroad and with her "correcting" my accent when I say something back at her. But now I'll have all those great ideas from MN so she better brace herself.

You know how some MILs (mainly the troublesome ones) feel "replaced" by their DILs? I think she feels like her DS has had an upgrade and my does it make her feel insecure.

This doesn't justify her vile behaviour in any way though. You sound fabulous so keep being fabulous and avoid this lady as much as you can.

I totally agree. She IS jealous and tries to bring me down. I wish I were a phycologist and understand the reason for that.

OP you are FOREIGN. And therefore in her book inferior. You should know your place and never have anything at all that she didn't have, in fact you should be living in a hovel dressed in rags. Not having a cleaner and a car and 12 months mat leave. (And her son.) How very dare you.

OK a slight exaggeration but you get the drift. In her mind she is superior to you simply because she is BRITISH. So she has to put you and your birth family down at every opportunity to remind herself of that.

You don't have to put up with it. But I'd be very tempted to kill her with kindness - it will make her blood boil if you manage to be very, very slightly condescending in your gushing replies. So when she starts on 'in my day' I suggest you don't stop talking for about five minutes.

'Oh I realise that older women had life very difficult when they were younger. Not having washing machines or cars. It took all day to look after the house and the children. How did you cope? (Rhetorical question, don't stop talking!) And of course husbands didn't help in those days either, not like [DH's name] and other husbands do now. Of course it's marvellous that in this country I can take 12 months maternity leave, it gives me such an opportunity to bond with [DS] and it's so lovely to see him when he reaches his first smile and takes his first step. You must have been so busy you couldn't always give your children that advantage and you must have missed out on so much.

Ad nauseam. It'll drive her bonkers. But then, I'm mean and underhand