Hate my MIL WWYD

[eletralambchop]

Hi!
Verg simple: I hate my MIL. She's rude. She's offensive. She's racist.
I am from abroad married to a lovely English man. I don't know how such sweet person could share the same genes with someone so nasty and bitter like his mum.

Anything that is about me, my country, my culture or my family is rubbish. "Your dad is a snob and over the top (because he wanted to give me a car to go around with my DS); your dad is outdated (he's a doctor); what sort of doctor he is if he believes in God?. "Your mother is so superficial... I mean she does nothing". I found that very rude but I didn't care when she said those things.
"People from your country are so superficial, aren't they"...
"Here in England we don't need cleaners or our family around. We know how to do things properly by ourselves". "You should go back to work after a few months after having the baby. Every woman does that in England and we manage". "You should be working full time now like every English woman". DS is 7 months old.

Oh and she has this thing of pulling faces at people behind their back. She sticks her tongue out and shakes her head like a child.

She loves to whisper unpleasant things when you're in the middle of doing something or when you're leaving to somewhere else.

I know I know... those things are not that bad and sound very silly but they built up for the last 6 years. Every time we go to visit my in-laws I get upset the week before because I know she'll annoy me once I'm there.

She's from a small village, simple life, no education. She won't change.

We are planning the next visit and my husband wants to stay for one week. I don't think I can hold my tongue this time and I'm dreaming about telling her to shut up that bloody sarcastic mouth.

If anyone with similar experience could give me some insights about what kind of responses she should hear when she's sarcastic/rude I would be glad!

"MIL, I'm so grateful for the help I get! I mean, didn't you prolapse after your last baby?! Thank goodness my family actually cares enough about me to ensure that doesn't happen!"

"Oh DH you won't believe what MIL just said - she told me that [insert insulting thing here]. Is that quite something?"

"That must have gotten lost in translation MIL because that sounds awfully rude. Did you mean to say [repeat insulting thing here]"?

Or refuse to go!

If she pulls faces go "oh mil, what's wrong with your face?" Rude cow.
If she pulls the martyr schtick go, well, isn't it good that British women fought and won maternity law rights and I get to spend all this time with my darling boys., slags off family-pull her up make her explain why she thinks that, then go-but why do you believe you have the right to insult my family? Racist- death stare and How fucking dare you spout such ignorant bollox about a country you have never been to and know nothing about.
Or tell your dh exactly why you aren't going. He sounds like a goon un and will support you.

Is not going an option or can your DH go on its own?

I certainly wouldn't want to visit but not sure how easy wiggling out is for you. Your DH is clearly aware of MIL's issues and would be supportive!?!

Can you whip your phone out and record any offensive remarks she makes when your husband is out of the room?

I normally hate these MIL threads because quite often the DIL is at fault as well, but your MIL sounds vile.

I am totally with KERALA1 on this
I would never visit again. If that meant she didn't see her grandchild so be it. DH can visit alone. You have more power than you realise. Use it

Yes yes!
Your MIL sounds like a frigging bitch. Keep your kid away from her.

If anyone with similar experience could give me some insights about what kind of responses she should hear when she's sarcastic/rude I would be glad!

Simple, you don't visit. Nothing to stop your dh going alone for a few days. This type of person will not change whatever you say. She will turn any response you try into you 'bullying' her or being 'rude' to her.

Simply don't go. Life is too short to put up with people like your Mil.

I would just be direct and challenge her and say things like

'My dad wants to make things easier for me and DS getting around. I am surprisd you would think that wasn't a good thing.' and smile at her.

' We all have our choices to make in life. DH and I think this is the best choice for us. If it was your life, you could do what you thnk but it isn't, it's ours.' I used to say this to my mum and smile and she ended up laughing- it didn't stop her though but she got to the point where she would add it to the end of her advice and laugh.

Or just, 'Please don't be rude to me. It is so disrespectful and I am never disrespectful to you'.

Whilst I sympathise as she sounds awful, I want to pull you up over this

Thanks abbey44. Sometimes when my husband is being annoying I tell him it's because of his genes

My BIL does this to my sister and it's devastating for her. For context, me and my siblings have all worked hard to not be like our parents (think similar to your MIL) and BIL thinks it's funny too. It might be worth thinking whether you are unintentionally hurting your husband by doing this.

This is the behaviour of the playground. Since your MIL can't behave like an adult she can't fulfil the role of mother and grandmother so you can reasonably have no contact with her and protect your DC from her vitriol.

I'm wondering what role DH has in this, because he appears very passive from what you say. If he is traumatised by his upbringing (quite possible) he could benefit from exploring that with a counsellor.

Whether your child looks mixed-race, or not, OP... they are.

Which means that your MIL is also insulting your child's heritage, partial race, maternal family and... their mother. At some point, when your child is older, they will understand that their grandmother is being nasty/mean/cruel about their mother, their heritage, their maternal family. And they will feel hurt, confused, bewildered...

Your DH needs to spell it out to his mother that she has a choice to make. Either she stops her nasty cruelty towards you and the child(ren) which you share with him, or she no longer sees any of you.

Shock tactics work better than stooping to her level, in my opinion. If she stops, then that's great; your child(ren) gets to grow up knowing/having a hopefully great relationship with their grandmother, whilst you get to watch them enjoy that relationship as you have a cordiel one with your MIL. Your DH gets to feel as though his immediate family is contented and complete (because his mother is still a part of his immediate family, I'm afraid, by dint of having given birth to him, even though she's extended family to your child(ren)).

If she doesn't stop, however, then you follow your DH's initial stance of going NC, and your immediate family of you, DH and child(ren) get to live peacefully and without racial slurs being slung in your/your child(ren)'s direction.

Good luck OP

Why is your husband even contemplating this?!
My PILs are similar. I just avoid seeing them now.

Your husband can't be that lovely if he wants to put you through this. Your mil sounds absolutely awful!

OP can you try some humour with her ... she'll probably not recognise the sarcasm. For example, if she criticises the medical profession say .. well you'd probably already be dead if it wasn't for the advances made and skill of doctors since life expectancy has increased significantly. Re bus with 4 children ... say I imagine your mother thought you were frivolous using public transport as she wouldn't have had that luxury. Can you point out 'recent' inventions such as indoor bathroom, washing machine and identify all the modern equipment she uses to emphasise lifestyles have changed and will continue to do so and each person can choose how they incorporate advances in lifestyle (or not!) as they wish. Ask her if she still misses the family of 10 using same water in a tin bucket in front of the fire once a week! As I say... have some fun if you can because I don't think you'll change her mores the pity.

Just look and smile at her! Almost as if you are sniggering at her barbed comments likewise you have nothing to lose if you stand up to her.

I would also ask your dh that he does not leave you alone together

There is no way to ever get the upper hand with these people. I had the same type of thing. If you ignore their remarks, they carry on and on trying to hurt you. If you reply, that gives them more fuel to come back with even more hurtful nasty comments.

She is very typical of a nasty, insidious bully. The throw away remarks, the looks and faces. Also that she waits till you are alone. You are being too nice. I think you have to try and find some inner strength to avoid her. I doubt that it will be too long before she starts on your child. Talking to the child about you while you are in the room. "Oh your mum is so silly isn't she? Possibly ever worse things to undermine his confidence In Himself and you.

For your own sake and your child's you have to avoid her.

I don't think it's at all fair to ask you to be in this woman's presence for a week. I would scrap that idea immediately. Go for a weekend, and then come home.

There is often a thing about families getting 'fair' amounts of time together. But what is 'fair' is what works, and what works depends on how nice people are. If you have one family who are lovely, easy, polite and helpful and one who are the relatives from hell, there is absolutely no earthly reason why you should spend identical amounts of time with each! The kind of comments she is making are damaging for you -it is cruel to ask you to be around her for so long.

There is absolutely no way I would go to my MIL's home again or see her anywhere other than my home if I were in your position. She doesn't deserve you.

Don't go

Oh I wouldn't bother answering her or taping her or anything I just would tell your dh she is vile to you and she's not welcome. Simple as.

He can go see her but you don't have to and tell him your child isn't going either as she's racist. Just say no. It sounds to my like your dh was of that mind too and you softened. Don't. You are much better off without her.

"A car is too much? Are you jealous? 4 children on the bus when there is no need? I think you are a bit ot of touch. Don't you want the best for your grandchild? I know I do"

"You do know that women get a year's maternity leave these days, don't you? Oh dear maybe you should do some reading before passing comment. You seem so invested in this anyway, what have you been up to lately?"

"People from my country are superficial? I thought the English were meant to be polite. We could both be wrong"

"Saying things like that makes you sound nasty and ignorant"

"I will not have racist language used around me and my child"

Get up and leave. With your child.

She is not only rude and a racist, she sounds a bit unhinged. People from villages and not much formal education are not normally like that. She sounds nasty and insecure. Is there something else going on with her?

You don't have to put up with her. By attacking your culture and your family she is attacking her grandchild. Why does your DH tolerate this?

I must be much more fiery than most people because I would just say something at each point she insulted me.

Fair enough, I would probably have let the comments go when I'd first met her due to nerves etc but after that I'd just tell her straight!

My mum used to be a bit like your MIL though. "Well I used to manage without a car" or "I worked all the hours your dad was home". I used to be honest and say well your marriage didn't turn out too well doing that did it?

I'm quite a blunt person though and rarely take shit from anyone. If I have something to say, I will say it. I am never rude first though, I treat people with respect until they disrespect me!

I agree with others who say that she is insecure and jealous. She knows she never had what you have and is trying to make you feel very bad about it to soothe and resolve her own feelings. You need to rise above it, remain polite and try to see her as little as possible. There is no way on this earth you should be visiting for a week!

What a dreadful character. She's got used to behaving like this and has got away with it for years - now it seems normal - that's why her family put up with it and make excuses - it enables her to carry on.

IIWY I'd respond to every comment in a sarcastic, possibly 'humorous' way, "And you're perfect!"

For silly faces, "Sucking on a lemon, are we?"
All with a slightly disdainful manner. I understand this might be a bit tricky as English isn't your first language. I'm sure you could find 'cutting but funny' things to say on various websites.

But why should you have to visit this ghastly woman? Because she's your MIL, that's why and despite all, there's a need to keep in contact. If you didn't no doubt she'd badmouth you to others, "That DIL won't see me anymore, she's weird!" They probably know her all too well and it's typical of her to say things out of DH's earshot.

OP, do please start singing a loud lullaby in your Mother tongue, if she starts again, that'll really tip her over the edge ! 😂
On a more serious note, CONTRARY 13, makes a very good point.
Im so sorry that you have such an obviously jealous and racist MIL, you really don't have to put up with this my Lovely.
Why not stay overnight, or two nights only, or let your DH go on his own, you really don't have to endure this. 💐