This is all so messed up and weird, HELP ME MN!!

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Ok, so first off namechanged recently...blah blah blah.

Second I'm putting this in AIBU to a)get honest opinions and b)I want the traffic!

Fuck fucking fuck sake.

My DP of 8 years, father to our 4 yr old DS, had a heart attack on Sunday, aged just 46years.

This was completely unexpected, he was otherwise relatively fit and healthy, lots of physical activity etc.

We smoke, we drink.......rather, we DID smoke and drink, we both have quit, obviously!

He came home yesterday, and rather than the happy reunion/ homecoming I thought it would be, all we have done is row!
It started with him getting the arse because I'd bought some fags off a mate while he was in hospital (I was stressed and we both smoked at that point anyway!), now he's really angry at me because I was trying to make light of the fact that his quite difficult Mum is coming on Sunday, and bringing his horribly snobby Aunt Linda* and we are a massively unconventional family, homeschool, lax on housekeeping (it's clean but messy IYSWIM) and I am v unconventional lookwise- think GI Jane but a viking version. (Aunt Linda has never met me btw) I don't get why me making a joke of it (to try and cheer him up!) has pissed him off so much.

Look I get it, it's not nice to think people have carried on life without you while in hospital, I was in for months when pg with DS, I had severe HG, and DP still carried on going to the pub/ smoking etc.

I am trying so, so hard to quit smoking with him, do all the right things, but it feels like everything I have done since he got back has been wrong.

So, I think it's just the quitting smoking/ being stressed/ being ill thing, and he is taking it out me, but am I being massively out of order or have I fucked up in some way?
Or is it just to be expected sniping cos we're both quitting the fags etc?

What can I do to not end up in another row? Or will everything end in a row until the nicotine addiction wears off??

Should add that we are both vaping, and he has never ever been in any way abusive, and he had a sort of "mid life crisis" anyway recently when he had to get reading glasses!

Help!

How do I sort this??

*name has been changed to protect the terminally horrible

When something like that happens it reminds people of their own mortality, and it can be scary. I know after my DH died, I was scared to drive for months afterwards, as I became aware of just how easy it is to die! (And he didn't even die in a car crash).

I would assume your DH is feeling the same way, and will possibly be quite irate about anything he perceives as threatening his, or your, health/life. And no, I don't suppose quitting the fags helps, but please bear with him, I'm sure it will settle when he realises he did survive, and he just has to live life again.

My sister is another Alan Carr devotee. Its been at least 10 years now and she swears that she has no idea how it works -it just does. Its saved her thousands over the years and her health is so much better

I would -if I was a viking like you :) - meet Mum and Auntie Linda at the door and tell them both straight what your expectations are of them during the visit. Dont let them even start being snobby about your family or lifestyle . Either they are there to support you all or they can go home until they can support you.

Try to find some time of your own too -even if its holed up in the loo for 10 minutes staring into space.

And breathe . You can do this.

Agree with posters that hes really really scared himself. Add to that the smoking and yes hes going to be off kilter for a while yet. Just try to treat this as a temporary thing. It will improve, so its damage limitation time. Loads of deep breaths, walking away and returning all normal. He will be completely self involved at the moment and may have health anxiety for a while. Take his concerns seriously, and his confidence will grow with each day he hasnt had another attack.

Haven't read the rest of responses but just wanted to run in to say that my dad had a heart attack in his late 50's and in the first few weeks afterwards he was extremely snappy with everyone and downright rude and aggressive (verbally) towards my mum. This was completely out of character for him and glad to say that it only lasted a few weeks. I think it was such a shock and he was so scared and angry and bitter. It did all settle down though so hold on in there.

Have you thought of vaping? I was a very addicted smoker...nothing could help me or so I thought AND I didn't even really WANT to give up but DH was so worried about me that he pressured me a lot to try vaping....he bought me a very good vape and its amazing.

Another reformed smoker - buy a good quality battery and don't be afraid to go for high nicotine liquid.
I'm almost 4 years fag free and smoked at least a pack a day for over 30.

I completely understand. Hope you managed to get some sleep, Lana and aren't hallucinating fags! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, it will get easier

You need to divert MIL and Auntie Linda from personal comments on your house/marriage/kids/dusting by cunningly focusing them on each other.

EG, 'Oh, Linda! You're looking so well! MIL said you'd put on a worrying amount of weight recently...' vs 'Now, MIL, I've put all your stuff here, here and here. Why? Well, Linda said you'd got very forgetful recently... [concerned head tilt]'

Then stand back go outside to smell next door's lovely fags