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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is all so messed up and weird, HELP ME MN!!

58 replies

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 20:21

Ok, so first off namechanged recently...blah blah blah.

Second I'm putting this in AIBU to a)get honest opinions and b)I want the traffic!

Fuck fucking fuck sake.

My DP of 8 years, father to our 4 yr old DS, had a heart attack on Sunday, aged just 46years.

This was completely unexpected, he was otherwise relatively fit and healthy, lots of physical activity etc.

We smoke, we drink.......rather, we DID smoke and drink, we both have quit, obviously!

He came home yesterday, and rather than the happy reunion/ homecoming I thought it would be, all we have done is row!
It started with him getting the arse because I'd bought some fags off a mate while he was in hospital (I was stressed and we both smoked at that point anyway!), now he's really angry at me because I was trying to make light of the fact that his quite difficult Mum is coming on Sunday, and bringing his horribly snobby Aunt Linda* and we are a massively unconventional family, homeschool, lax on housekeeping (it's clean but messy IYSWIM) and I am v unconventional lookwise- think GI Jane but a viking version. (Aunt Linda has never met me btw) I don't get why me making a joke of it (to try and cheer him up!) has pissed him off so much. Confused

Look I get it, it's not nice to think people have carried on life without you while in hospital, I was in for months when pg with DS, I had severe HG, and DP still carried on going to the pub/ smoking etc.

I am trying so, so hard to quit smoking with him, do all the right things, but it feels like everything I have done since he got back has been wrong.

So, I think it's just the quitting smoking/ being stressed/ being ill thing, and he is taking it out me, but am I being massively out of order or have I fucked up in some way?
Or is it just to be expected sniping cos we're both quitting the fags etc?

What can I do to not end up in another row? Or will everything end in a row until the nicotine addiction wears off??

Should add that we are both vaping, and he has never ever been in any way abusive, and he had a sort of "mid life crisis" anyway recently when he had to get reading glasses! Hmm

Help!

How do I sort this??

*name has been changed to protect the terminally horrible

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 30/03/2017 21:25

Another one to sad the anger and depression bit is common after a HA/MI.
Besides the smoking, family history (genetics) plays a role. Veggie does not mean healthy as there is often lots of cheese and fat.
Now brace yourself DTD is a very step scary curve.

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 21:26

Oh and thanks to everyone for the encouragement re: smoking.

@TheLegendOfBeans I LOVE LOVE LOVE smoking too! I will look into Allen Carr.
My fags are were a part of me, like a crutch, and it's already difficult, and I'm only 2 days in ffs!

You are all so right about the shock.

I don't know if it's relevant but I didn't cry, or have a "moment" until DP got home and we ended up rowing Confused
Part of it was being with DS all the time and not wanting to upset him, but when I was on my own I just couldn'tt "let go" IYSWIM?

I don't know, my brain is overloaded atm!

OP posts:
Twig45 · 30/03/2017 21:29

Alan Carr book v cheap and worked for me

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/03/2017 21:30

OP if you do decide to do it it's £200 per person. I have a discount code which is still valid (I think) so PM me if you want and I'll try dig around for it x

friendlyflicka · 30/03/2017 21:32

I would try to get support from my friends/family/professionals rather than rely on him to be nice and helpful about giving things up. I think giving up 'as a couple' can be very difficult, whatever the circumstances. Just don't expect anything of him for a bit and then you won't be shocked and upset....and cancel the aunt.

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 21:32

@HarryPottersMagicWand That has properly made me lol! I needed that Grin

General consensus then is try not to take offence when it gets personal, and to be the bigger person.

OK.
I can do this

OP posts:
TheWoodlander · 30/03/2017 21:35

If your relationship was otherwise good, I'd put a lot of money on it being purely the giving up smoking. I thought, like really thought, Dh and I would split up when he quit. He was vile. He acted like he hated me. We got through it though Thanks Wishing you all the patience you'll need, and your dh a speedy recovery.

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 30/03/2017 21:36

He's probably feeling very sensitive... Stuff like that can really really mess with your head.

I think you should cancel aunty Linda.

Oh, btw: I am v unconventional lookwise- think GI Jane but a viking version.

That sounds seriously awesome and badass.

I don't know if it's relevant but I didn't cry, or have a "moment" until DP got home and we ended up rowin

Maybe that was "just" a way to release all the pent up emotions?

memyselfandaye · 30/03/2017 21:40

Lana I'm having a fag for you right now, outside in the dark and it's raining.

No need to thank me, just consider it smoking by proxy Grin

P1nkP0ppy · 30/03/2017 21:40

I suspect he's having a reaction similar to PTSS op, my sister was absolutely hideous when she survived a very serious cardiac episode (arrested 8 times), and was irrationally furious with everyone (including the surgeons who saved her life ☹️)
Add stopping smoking to that and it's pretty combustible. I gave up totally cold turkey after several attempts, thanks to Alan Carr's book.

bloodyfuming9 · 30/03/2017 21:49

The Allen Carr da course worked for me too. Haven't smoked for ten years, although was a very committed smoker, for thirty four years before.

randomer · 30/03/2017 21:49

get professional help ie a therapist

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 22:06

@ClaryBeanHorshAndMe
"Oh, btw: I am v unconventional lookwise- think GI Jane but a viking version.

That sounds seriously awesome and badass."
Blush thank you! Grin I have spent years cultivating the "dont mess with me or I'll burn down your churches" look, I find it works well as a protective measure against loons and snobs!

And yeah I do think I almost needed the row as a catalist to letting go and having a weep, but I can think of better ways to do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 22:10

@memyselfandaye Grin
All smoking by proxy gratefully received!

You know you're still in the grip of fags when someone says they are smoking in the cold, dark and rain and the first thing you think is "you lucky bastard, I wish I was cold and wet with a fag!" Grin

OP posts:
AlmaMartyr · 30/03/2017 22:15

Agree with others - my dad had a heart attack last year and was a very different man for a long time. He's only started getting back to his old self recently. It has been a very hard time for us all, especially my poor mum (ill herself). Combine that with giving up smoking and it is bound to be hellish. Look after yourselves Flowers.

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 22:16

@TheWoodlander
Apart from usual ups and downs our relationship has been surprisingly healthy! To the point where we are the "benchmark" as it were, against which our close friends measure their own relationships! (not conjecture btw, literally what I have been told by said friends!)

Before this, the words Iwould have used to describe our relationship would have been "Solid, Fun and Silly"

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 30/03/2017 22:19

Just remember that MiL and aunty linda are scared stiff and reeling from the shock too, your dh is still a beloved little lad to them, I'm sure. Not sure how any mum would react to her darling son having a heart attack, but I bet prickly/bossy/protective/arsey with her DiL comes into it somehow

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 22:30

@P1nkP0ppy
"my sister was absolutely hideous when she survived a very serious cardiac episode (arrested 8 times), and was irrationally furious with everyone (including the surgeons who saved her life ☹️)"

That really rang a bell to me!
He was really, really cross at the nursing staff/doctors/ the heart monitor you name it!

I really really didn't know that this sort of personality switch was a thing after a heart attack.

I really have had a lightbulb moment thanks to this thread, and I will try v hard to let the angry stuff wash over me, now I know it's not "personal", and just a normal reaction I think I can cope with it better..

OP posts:
EleanorRigbysNeice · 30/03/2017 22:37

Bless you, you've all had a terrible shock and will need to adjust. It's a scary thing, a heart attack and your partner will be terrified. The fact that you're both changing your lifestyle habits is added stress. Go easy on yourselves. Do let it wash over you, to an extent. Take time for yourself too. All too often, the partner "being strong" for the other can have health repercussions so, be kind to yourself too, OP.

See your GP and ask about support groups/counselling etc. It sounds trite but often, it can be a huge help knowing others are going through it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/03/2017 22:37

Lana I remember you from another thread. I'm so sorry, you must feel like your world has turned upside down. What an awful frightening thing to have happened.
Keep vaping, nicotine withdrawal is hell.
Your husband is alive, he will gradually be more like his old self as he recovers.
Hang in there and look after yourself too Flowers

JaneEyre70 · 30/03/2017 22:39

You've both gone through a tremendous shock and I echo what other PPs have said about personality changes. It's very common, just let it all go over your head and just enjoy having him there with you. It could have been a different story - but he's had a warning, and is making changes already so it's all good.
But I would def cancel visitors, it'll be a week to the day and NONE of you need that stress on top of what you've already gone through x

Camelsinthegobi · 30/03/2017 22:46

I always suffer 'reintegration shock' after a hospital stay and am pretty emotionally volatile for a few days, added to that you have withdrawal and a heart attack, and it's a stressful time that you just have to get through and try to be kind to yourselves and each other. I'd say MIL and aunty should stay somewhere else, but nearby.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/03/2017 22:49

You've had a terrible time. Cancel unwanted visitors. You all need time to recover from the shock.

In terms of vaping, if this is not working, get a better quality vape. I managed to quit 7 months ago, smoked for 30 years, I haven't had a cigarette since and I vape when I need it. I spent a bit extra on a decent vape and juices (not tobacco flavoured ones, avoid those!), it's the best decision I ever made. I can run properly again without losing my breath and haven't coughed since. I hope things settle down for you soon Flowers

Ollivander84 · 30/03/2017 22:49

I loved smoking and was on 30 a day
Vape as much as you need even if it's permanently attached to you. Use a high nicotine level, something like 18mg
Come over to the stop smoking section, loads of helpful threads here
I picked up an e cig 10 months ago and haven't smoked or wanted to since

Original poster
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 30/03/2017 23:02

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties
Yeah, I should have come back to that thread, but to my shame, I just....couldn't at that time. And then obviously this happened....tbh you and I both know what won't have helped.

You guys have been so helpful, but then I knew you would, you nest of vipers! Grin

I'm off to try and get some sleep in a mo, but will be back on this thread in the morning

Keep it coming, I can't really relax irl, this has been so so carthartic!

Flowers
OP posts:
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