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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I tell DD to get rid of her boyfriend?

99 replies

JumpingJellybeanz · 30/03/2017 16:54

He's polite. He's gentle. He shares everything he has with her. He does lots to support he. They've been together for about a year, living together in her student flat for 6 months. He's also a student on the same course but 3 years behind.

The problem is, he used her computer to do an assessed piece of work. Except instead of doing it himself he found a copy of DD's best friend's saved from years ago and submitted that. No he, DD and her now ex best friend are all facing disciplinary procedures and are at risk of being chucked out or suspended.

She has AS and has overcome so much to reach this point. Her poor friend is just a few weeks off doing her finals.

He's been a fucking idiot and he knows it. Is it forgivable and AIBU if I strongly encourage her to pack his bags. I'm so angry, I can't think straight.

*We're not in the UK if it's of any relevance.

OP posts:

carefreeeee · 30/03/2017 21:03

I don't think you should advise her about whether to dump him. Just advise her to be truthful and honest always and not to cover anything up.

Yes plagiarism is bad but it does happen and young students don't always know how bad it is.

It depends how he deals with it - is he sorry or does he try to blame others?

That said it's a dubious story - I have enough trouble trying to find my own files on my own laptop form a year ago - never mind someone else's from 3 years ago! And why was he snooping through her files?

Anyway if she and the friend didn't know they can't be punished - they will just be asked for their version that's all

gleam · 30/03/2017 21:17

Why is the friend in trouble? Isn't she in the position of supposedly being protected by the plagiarism software?

JustSpeakSense · 30/03/2017 21:27

What a coincidence that the exact essay he was working on was saved on the exact laptop he borrowed, how convenient

AgathaMystery · 30/03/2017 22:53

Mmmmm. Very odd. Is your daughter at a UK uni?

If so, she needs to go to her Student's Union & avail herself of a rep. She will need to separate from the boyfriend as part of her mitigation.

If she is doing a professional course (medicine/ nursing/ midwifery/ physiology etc) ten she is in deeper trouble. Her professional union will not represent her for an academic matter. It will all be NUS.

She needs to get proper advice ASAP and if her NUS offer forensics on laptops as part of mitigation she needs to submit her laptop immediately.

We see this alllllllll the time with healthcare courses. It's ridic.

shitgibbon · 30/03/2017 23:54

I'd believe the paper on laptop story since if they're all on the same course it's not unlikely he has the same coursework.

But I don't understand... how was the paper he copied in a different language if he had to submit his in English? Does the friend write all her essays in a foreign language then get a translator? If she does, that is possibly why she might be in trouble too -- you're not supposed to do that.

shitgibbon · 30/03/2017 23:55

I.e. If the university is suspecting your DD of translating, it's possible they are suspecting her of translating all of her friends coursework into English for her which is not OK.

Your DD needs a representative ASAP.

Graphista · 30/03/2017 23:58

Op's dd not in uk BUT why would writing an essay in non-English then getting if translated a problem? Had international students on both my courses did this wasn't a problem.

shitgibbon · 31/03/2017 00:05

Because obtaining a degree in which you studied in a particular language indicates that you are competent in that language.

I wouldn't be impressed if I hired someone with a degree from an English speaking university and later discovered they were unable to write well in English without using a translator.

SingingSilver · 31/03/2017 00:36

DD is the only native English speaker so they think she did the translating.

And her boyfriend has not confirmed that? If he is currently busy attempting to cover his own arse rather than own up to what he did and take his GF and her friend out of the firing line, then that is something to discuss with her. It's not what a loving and respectful partner would do.

Graphista · 31/03/2017 00:40

Shitgibbon depends on the degree and how much they're depending on a translator I guess.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/03/2017 01:36

Concentrate on helping your daughter deal with the university procedure....
I would probably try and coach her if he decides to blame her(assumong she is innocent?) she can say it calmly and assertively.

Also if she is that far ahead of him she presumably has had a clean record to date? Which should also go in her favour?

JustAnotherPoster00 · 31/03/2017 04:23

think you should ask your daughter to tell you the truth first OP

claraschu · 31/03/2017 04:48

I don't see how boyfriend's guilt would be lessened by dd and dd's friend's collusion. He is still responsible for handing in a plagiarised essay, and whether they helped him or not, he is equally guilty.

OP, is the boyfriend going to insist the two women were innocent? You haven't answered this.

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2017 06:24

Even if he insists they are innocent (which I hope he has) they will still be called in and interviewed. They are hardly going to just take his word on it.

FrenchLavender · 31/03/2017 06:36

Except instead of doing it himself he found a copy of DD's best friend's saved from years ago and submitted that

Given that your DD had someone else's work saved to her computer and her BF was miraculously able to find it and submit it, I'd say your DD was not as entirely innocent or unaware of any of this as you are making her out to be.

She's an adult and she can work this out for herself. You need to butt out and mind your own business.

Original poster

JumpingJellybeanz · 31/03/2017 09:33

I spoke to her again last night. She was calmer so I have a bit more info. When her anxiety is high she just talks and talks at you and it difficult to pick information out from the wall of noise.

The disciplinary hearing was yesterday so now she's waiting for the outcome which she'll get next week. She's currently staying at her friends because she's too upset to be in the same flat as her BF.

In answer to some questions, the course is officially in Swedish but as all the text books are all in English they can submit work in either language.

It was flagged up because he inadvertently left in a section in the original language. The software picked this up and then the whole thing was looked at closer.

DD was implicated because her name was on/in the metadata. Don't ask me what this means because I don't have the foggiest, other than it's some sort of technical finger print.

The BF admitted it all straight away and took full responsibility.

DD's union rep and 2 of the panel kept telling her not to worry that if she hasn't done anything then she won't be punished. The third panel member terrified her and kept saying he didn't believe her, that she was lying, and that she was looking at 6 weeks suspension. This is what she's now focused on and why she's so distressed. If it happens then she'll miss 2 exams which means she won't be able to registered next semester, which means no grant, which means no flat. She'll have to come home, do them in the next sitting and register for the first semester in 2018.

DH rang the boyfriend because he was a bit worried about him. His mum is very poorly at the moment and DH suspected, rightly, that this means he hasn't told them so has nobody to talk to. At first he was scared but once he realised DH wasn't going to shout at him, he burst into tears and just kept saying he was sorry over and over again.

I feel a bit sorry for him now. As I said originally, he's not a bad guy. He's a nice lad who's done something incredibly stupid.

So, we have to wait till next week to find out what happens next.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 31/03/2017 09:45

If I were your DD I would put strong pressure on him to tell the truth. If he doesn't do that and implicates her and her friend then surely they are finished anyway?

Once the disciplinary is dealt with then I would encourage to ditch him. He's put her and her friends whole future at risk.

ChasedByBees · 31/03/2017 09:46

Cross post, sorry.

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 31/03/2017 09:47

The BF admitted it all straight away and took full responsibility

Honestly, he seems like a pretty decent guy.

He made a mistake and then he told the truth and didn't blame her (to kind of limit his own guiltiness...)

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2017 09:58

- for you and your dd.

Hopefully this will be resolved very soon now and the only one punished will be this foolish young man. It is really sad how cheating is so prevalent now that even basically decent people think it an option.

theymademejoin · 31/03/2017 10:48

Based on your update, it's highly unlikely she or her friend will be sanctioned. If she is, she should appeal.

Generally, the rules on plagiarism are that giving work to someone to copy makes you equally culpable. Otherwise, you will get a "he says, she says" situation and it is impossible to determine who is at fault. However, when one student admits guilt, the other is usually let off, particularly when they are not both submitting at the same time.

He sounds like a decent enough guy who n=made a stupid mistake.

Toofewshoes · 31/03/2017 13:12

JumpingJellybeanz I had a similar situation at university some years ago so things may have changed a bit sure but I thought it might be useful. At the end of the summer term of my second year, without my knowledge, a house mate stole the hard copy of an essay of mine that I had previously handed in and tried to pass it off as her own. This was flagged up by the tutor and obviously because I had submitted it first I was largely in the clear despite plagiarist telling the university that I had stolen her work. There was a full disciplinary case that took part at the University over a period of some weeks going into the summer holiday. I had to submit my laptop as proof of the dates I had written my essays as it was discovered a further two had been copied. Though I am not sure what the actual disciplinary action was for her I was in the clear. I did see her around campus the following year but not very often at all, she was not in any of my lectures or seminars despite being on the same course. On results day my tutor 'bumped into' me at the board outside the library, I think he actually sought me out. He congratulated me on my result (it wasn't that great!) and asked if I had seen the other girl's result. She had a pass, he told me that they had told her she must leave but she (and her parents) had begged them to keep her on. She had been told that if they kept her on none of her marks for those courses would be counted and that the most she could hope for was a pass. After that incident I had nothing more to do with her. The university were fair to me but the whole process was very stressful and as this girl had been a friend I found it very upsetting. I know this is not directly related but it was a big deal, it knocked me for six. I would probably encourage your daughter to distance herself from this boy. It will be better in the eyes of the University and he has shown himself to not have the best character.

Toofewshoes · 31/03/2017 13:20

P.S I have just read your update. I do feel for this boy, that is very sad but if you DD doesn't want to be in the same flat it may all be taken out of your hands. Despite everything he is going through he made a mistake and it implemented your DD. He knew that might happen.

Apologies for typos and terrible grammar, I started to write my response late last night.

FullTimeYummy · 31/03/2017 17:15

It sounds like everybody is dealing with this admirably, kudos to your husband for checking on the BF.

Hopefully a happy ending all round

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