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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I tell DD to get rid of her boyfriend?

99 replies

JumpingJellybeanz · 30/03/2017 16:54

He's polite. He's gentle. He shares everything he has with her. He does lots to support he. They've been together for about a year, living together in her student flat for 6 months. He's also a student on the same course but 3 years behind.

The problem is, he used her computer to do an assessed piece of work. Except instead of doing it himself he found a copy of DD's best friend's saved from years ago and submitted that. No he, DD and her now ex best friend are all facing disciplinary procedures and are at risk of being chucked out or suspended.

She has AS and has overcome so much to reach this point. Her poor friend is just a few weeks off doing her finals.

He's been a fucking idiot and he knows it. Is it forgivable and AIBU if I strongly encourage her to pack his bags. I'm so angry, I can't think straight.

*We're not in the UK if it's of any relevance.

OP posts:
Sodomeyes · 30/03/2017 17:20

JumpingJellyBeanz Okay. I still don't see it though. Presumably the matching text was picked up by plagiariam software which doesn't know who has the original, whether or not it's been translated and who did the translation. All it knows is who submitted the version three years ago and who submitted it now.

Anyway, it's irrelevant now. She's implicated and she just needs to get herself out of that. As I said, she needs to gather her evidence, get her story straight and keep repeating it over and over again. If she splits up with him and tells the panel that she's split up with him, I think this will go in her favour massively.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/03/2017 17:22

I really don't understand this prevailing attitude at times on MN where when a child reaches the age of 18 they should be a fully fledged adult capable of paying rent, cooking Michelin starred meals and supporting themselves entirely. Those that can't do these things should clearly be thrown out onto the streets to 'learn' how to be a proper adult.

FFS.

Of course you are right to be concerned. Aside of the relationship I'd be advising your dd not to let him worm his way out of this. He needs to take the full rap for his actions.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2017 17:25

Yes she has a right to be concerned over the uni place etc but deciding whether her dd can keep her BF is not on! And that is where I think op needs to keep her nose out.

That level of control (if indeed the op has that power) is worrying.

Plus he's a newbie to uni I think he will have learned his lesson! We all make mistakes.

I cannot for the life of me see how she will get thrown out for something she didn't do

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 30/03/2017 17:26

Where did he use the software? If this was on her computer too, and there is some evidence that it was used to convert the essay, that could be very useful evidence to support her story...
I'm guessing he was generally using her account, not a separate one of his own on her computer?
If they are considering disciplinary action, they should really be looking at all the evidence with an expert checking what was done to produce the document and when, rather than assuming she must have helped him because she speaks the relevant languages!
For instance, if he used a specific tool to translate, it should be possible to repeat that and get a very similar result.
She may want to offer her computer as evidence for analysis.

JaniceBattersby · 30/03/2017 17:27

How did he translate it if he can't speak English? As a PP said, translation software is not massively reliable and they would have been able to tell, surely, whether it was translated by a human or by a device.

Sodomeyes · 30/03/2017 17:28

I agree with Vlad

Your DD needs to just get her story straight and stick to it. If they go into a meeting altogether (which they shouldn't IMO), then she can't be tempted to even speak when the boyfriend is giving his account. She needs to tell her story, then shut up and let the boyfriend dig his own grave.

TBH, I think she should also prepare herself for him to implicate her and to say "she translated it for me". If she's prepared for this, she can remain calm and reply "No I did not". It'd be awful for him to pull this one out, her to be shocked, get flappy and start arguing with him about what happened.

I've seen something similar happen in a panel. It was awful.

Graphista · 30/03/2017 17:28

No! Plagiarism is VERY CLEARLY explained and forbidden in most universities and it was an entire essay, I'm not buying it was a 'mistake'

Sodomeyes · 30/03/2017 17:29

ohidolike In the UK at least, there's no way we'd be looking at analysing the software to determine what happened. No-one's got the time or the money for that shit.

Original poster
JumpingJellybeanz · 30/03/2017 17:30

Op are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN she didn't translate for him?

She says she didn't. Because of her AS she can't normally lie at all. She tries sometimes but it's like there's a warning light flashing over her head. You can tell straight away. She looks like she's telling the truth. That said, it is the kind of impulsive, not thinking of consequences, wanting to please others kind of thing I could see her doing.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 30/03/2017 17:30

JumpingJellybeanz in your shoes I would put all my energy into helping my dd sort out the college thing and stay in college and get on with her planned academic career.

Once this was all been settled I would help her to work through what happened, talking to her and encouraging her to evaluate how 'helpful' this young man is to have in her life.

Ultimately it is her decision and giving her ultimatums may well drive her away from you and towards him. However, if she asks you opinion I would would guardedly give my real opinion of things.

Throughout remember to allow her room to change her mind and do not ever back her into a corner.

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 17:32

What a horrible little scumbag....

EC22 · 30/03/2017 17:32

There's no benefit to him implicating anyone else, he had to hold his hands up, if he does anything other than that I don't think your daughter will need any encouragement getting rid!

Original poster
JumpingJellybeanz · 30/03/2017 17:33

How did he translate it if he can't speak English?

He can speak English, he's just not a native English speaker.

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 30/03/2017 17:37

Who said it was a "mistake", Graphista?
Vlad is right. If I were in the OP's shoes, I would be worried sick and trying to help sure my child had not committed plagiarism and I would be advising her to detach from her boyfriend immediately. It looks as if he has implicated her, which for the OP's daughter, should be enough for her to finish with him.

Graphista · 30/03/2017 17:40

"Plus he's a newbie to uni I think he will have learned his lesson! We all make mistakes. "

HecateAntaia · 30/03/2017 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JumpingJellybeanz · 30/03/2017 17:43

I've never been talking about ultimatums. That's not what I meant. I'm sorry if that's how it comes across. I asking more about what advice I should give her when she asks. She can and will make her own decision, but that won't stop her seeking support and advice from her mum first.

I'm with VladamirsPoutine, I don't understand how so many posters wash their hands of their kids on their 18th birthday.

Thank you for the advice from others. I'm going to talk to her later, see how it went and take from there.

OP posts:
Graphista · 30/03/2017 17:45

"She says she didn't. Because of her AS she can't normally lie at all. She tries sometimes but it's like there's a warning light flashing over her head"

Fair enough, then she needs to amass as much evidence/support as possible to refute any allegations.

That quote made me laugh, my dd is not on the spectrum but is pathologically honest! She actually sneezes if she tries to lie - drives her friends nuts!

"There's no benefit to him implicating anyone else" really? How about 'she made me do it' 'it was her idea' either to uni or his parents?

Dumdedumdedum · 30/03/2017 17:46

Oops, sorry, Graphista, I missed that. It's true, plagiarism is a massive thing at uni (and IB) nowadays; we used to get more marks the more we were able to quote works of reference, whether directly or in synopsis, in the 1970's. Autre temps, autre moeurs.

Renaissance2017 · 30/03/2017 17:47

Surely what marks him out as a good person is not so much the mistake he made but how he deals with the mistake.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 30/03/2017 17:48

Why was the friend's work from a previous year saved onto your DD's computer, and how did he find it? Perhaps your DD needs to have a think about how she feels about someone nosying through her stuff.

If I was investigating this I'd find his account incredibly hard to believe and would assume that the work had been volunteered by the friend or DD - however sharing old work for inspiration is fine, he was an idiot for copying.

Ericaequites · 30/03/2017 17:50

Be supportive by helping your daughter prove to the disciplinary board that she was not involved in this act of plagiarism, if that is true.
It would be wise to remind your daughter that her boyfriend is morally reprehensible, and associating with such persons is extremely unwise. It will destroy her career and life prospects. You can't tell her to dump this false friend, but you can make see the consequences If she stayed with him.

Graphista · 30/03/2017 17:51

I don't think times/methods have changed so much, I left uni for second time just 10 years ago and we still had to quote reference (quite a lot - English degree so especially if a literature essay they wanted to know you'd read the whole book - not just lifting quotes from grade saver Grin)

BUT it was drummed into us (both times I was at uni) that plagiarism is theft, to quote and reference properly and that people we were quoting probably worked a lot bloody harder than we did and so deserved the credit!

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 30/03/2017 17:51

Did you say how old your DD is? I think her age really matters in this case...

(maybe I just didn't see you mention it)

SookiesSocks · 30/03/2017 17:51

I'm with VladamirsPoutine, I don't understand how so many posters wash their hands of their kids on their 18th birthday

Who said wash your hands of her Hmm

You can support your dd nobody said you shouldnt but you asked if you should tell her to dump him.
That is a very controlling attitude to have.

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