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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dw shouldn't tell dh off in public??

60 replies

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 30/03/2017 14:25

Or anywhere really!!
Just witnessed in Primark a woman about 35 telling her dh off!! Loudly!!
"I told you to stop doing that!! "
I looked around for a 'naughty' dc tbh!!
Her dh was carrying a giggling toddler ds who he was quite endearingly engaging with while she browsed. Nothing silly or loud - both in their own little world actually!! - and sweet to see!!
Again she shouted the same words. Then I realised she was talking to her dh!! I felt myself stare and I felt so embarrassed for the poor man!! He carried on with his df/ds moments and ignored her!! But who did she think she was??

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 30/03/2017 15:34

yes, I've seen this in the supermarket

there was no child involved, just a woman yelling at her (I guess) husband in such an aggressive way I was quite alarmed. It was all about how he was an idiot for not spotting a similar item was cheaper. She was so loud and sweary I actually stood in the aisle for a bit because I thought she'd hit him - you know when the physical stance suggests it's imminent - and was concerned. Eventually - while she was still yelling - he caught me eye and shook his head in a gesture I took to mean "go away". So I did.

TimTamTerrier · 30/03/2017 15:34

It depends on what he was doing tbh. When DS was little DH kept trying to be 'nice Daddy' by making me out to be 'nasty Mummy' and he needed to be told in strong terms several times that I wasn't standing for it, and then he had to be reminded now and then too. I didn't do it in public though, but I did take note of things that he did in public and brought them up at home.

August1984 · 30/03/2017 15:37

statetrooper My ex used to do the exact same thing Grin

Maybe if the OP had said she gritted her teeth, screeched, got in his face, or called him a useless twat, i would be outraged but "I told you to stop doing that!" whilst being followed by a giggling man sounds like she's irritated. Its not that dramatic, maybe i'm reading it wrong.

MaisyPops · 30/03/2017 15:38

And less than 10 comments in the cries of "you know nothing John Snow! Stop judging" have started. Predictable much.

MN recently is full of people who seem to love telling people how to think (whilst i assume never ever having any thought about another human being).

OP, in my opinion I'm not a fan of grown adults speaking to each other in that way at all. Especially in public. The husband might have been the biggest wanker on the planet but shouting at him in public in front of a child isnt on.

squizita · 30/03/2017 15:42

Maybe if the OP had said she gritted her teeth, screeched, got in his face, or called him a useless twat, i would be outraged but "I told you to stop doing that!" whilst being followed by a giggling man sounds like she's irritated. Its not that dramatic, maybe i'm reading it wrong.

My DH has a very manipulative streak at times. He will save up really annoying, undermining things he wants to do (not DV serious stuff - silly stubborn things like letting DD wear her paint stained nursery clothes to a judgey naice cafe causing me needless stress) for when other people are there. Then do them again and again knowing I am a MN and feminist type and trying to model good behaviour.

I end up snapping/hissing. Not shouting.
He then gives me a high handed lecture on my poor behaviour. Or acts like a 'nice guy' having a laugh.

Nothing infuriates me more.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/03/2017 15:43

Watch the general response be totally different because it was a man being shouted at by a woman rather than the other way round.

Figglesticks · 30/03/2017 15:51

Good grief is it anyone's business. I doubt you could actually see what he was doing to wind her up it's hardly abuse. If there were other factors which pointed towards abuse I'd be worried but it could easily be innocent too.

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 15:55

oh my....

Doyouwantabrew · 30/03/2017 16:07

Fair point eating apologise bloody

I guess hearing adults shout st each other takes me back to being scared as a child. I realise that's probably an issue too as dd,17, did say 'you and dad never argue' we do but in private and no shouting. Maybe that's not s good example of real life. Who knows.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2017 16:07

Perhaps he was one of those useless, lazy man-child tossers that we hear so much about?

Or perhaps she was just a cunt?

Ragwort · 30/03/2017 16:08

state - if you suspect your DH behaves like that deliberately why on earth do you go out in public with him? Hmm.

GahBuggerit · 30/03/2017 16:08

oooh was this me and have you changed the timeline perchance? We were in Primarni last week and DP was chucking DS about and doing that walking on feet thing with DS in front of him/DPs arms wrapped around him at the front when DS fell over and scratched his head on a coat hanger, the end of it missing his eye by 5mm. After 10 secs of crying DS was mithering DP to do it again. I asked him not to, he did it again, I raised my voice/shouted as funnily enough I didnt fancy seeing DS get hurt again, he did that passive smiling laughing "lets carry on isn't mummy silly" face.

But in keeping with the shouts of DV and "what happens behind closed doors" I went home and smacked DP about a bit, gave him a black eye.........you know.............what you'd expect to happen after someone shouts at someone to stop it Hmm

Doyouwantabrew · 30/03/2017 16:10

squiz bit confused why is her wearing paint stained clothes, and get why that irritates you, anything to do with feminism? Still he doesn't sound very kind.

squizita · 30/03/2017 16:14

Watch the general response be totally different because it was a man being shouted at by a woman rather than the other way round.

Yes. However society conditions men and women to mistreat each other in different ways.
Men are conditioned to bully by shouting and physical strength by society/the media.
Women are conditioned not to- what they see is negotiation, tears, manipulation by language (that's why women say more words each day): so they don't often use it as a go-to when in control. Some do, but not as frequently as men.

In my anecdotal experience, men/boys shout more often, to dominate, and it works. If it doesn't they get louder. Women try what they've been conditioned to do - and if/when it doesn't work, they end up either crying or shouting, they 'explode'. It's not the same thing ... and it's why you get women who finally snap and get done for affray after years of psychological abuse judged as 'psychos' and 'look, women are abusers too'.

Women abusers don't tend to get caught. They do it secretly quite often - or in public if the abuse is linked to substance abuse (again from cases I've known of). But the socially conditioned 'shame' of being hurt by a woman is, ironically, part of their weaponry, relying on the male victim keeping quiet to save face.

The key thing here is we just DON'T KNOW. We don't know if she is a loud mouth bully or a downtrodden 'worm who turned' biting back, or anything in between. Someone has been badly behaved yes - but maybe both have. And we don't know who is worse.

squizita · 30/03/2017 16:19

Doyou the paint stained clothes was a small example, to illustrate a wider point. The crux is the behaviour - pettiness and trying to 'rebel' pointlessly to raise status - rather teenage.

The point about feminism is the way I behave and speak to people, being a strong and positive role model to DD without falling into negative behaviours of being passive/'mousey' or screechy and disempowered. Not losing my sh*t, basically. So he uses such opportunities to wind me up, then get sanctimonius and mansplain when I 'fail'. Angry So infuriating.

MistressMerryWeather · 30/03/2017 16:22

Was he singing an Ed Sheeran song to the child?

That would make me react in the same way.

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/03/2017 16:23

My ex use to 'flick' me and do other annoying stuff, until I shouted to "pack it in".

Sometimes we'd look like a couple of kids, or it would look more aggressive than it was, but that's how we were.

Shouting isn't effective, but until I got to my 40's, I did it (not to my children).

We're a loud family and piss about, but that can come across as aggressive.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 16:26

I have to say that I might be tempted to do the paint stained clothes thing- you wanting to dress a child up to go to a naice cafe would really irritate m......

Emboo19 · 30/03/2017 16:28

So out of interest would it have been ok if it was a 'naughty'child, she was telling off?

My dad used to play a game with me when I was young, making up silly names and songs about people we could see while out and about. My mum used to tell him off, along the lines of 'will you stop it' or that's it now, stop it', tbf it wasn't appropriate and if someone heard us, they'd probably be really offended.
All anyone would see, would be a father and daughter giggling together.

The other day when we were out my boyfriend kept putting his head into the pram, talking to dd and generally being quite sweet. Only I'd said at least three times she needed to nap, in the end I did snap a bit and took the pram from him. It would have looked mean from a passers by perspective.
I would be the one with leaky boobs while out if she slept late and missed a feed or I'd have a grumpy fussy girl, who'd be a nightmare to feed though!

No one knows what was going on, but the couple themselves. I certainly wouldn't feel the need to stare or be embarrassed for him.
It sounds like he wasn't bothered and she was hardly screaming and swearing at him!

QueenOlivine · 30/03/2017 16:29

We had a friend that did this. She would shout and tell her H off in front of us all, for things like walking in the road for a few steps, or forgetting a bag. It was awful. She would also use his full name to tell him off, i.e. if he was known to everyone as Steve (not his real name) she would yell "STEPHEN!"

She was bossy and rude to other people too and I hated it, glad they moved away!

i didn't think it was any better for her being a woman. It was horrible!

Craiconwithit · 30/03/2017 16:35

I shouted loudly at/to my DH in a supermarket a few days ago.
He's partially deaf and has poor sight and it's the only way of getting his attention. I'm usually pissed off carrying an armful of heavy shopping while he just aimlessly wanders up and down ever aisle with the trolley in a random pattern.
I can spot him at the end of an aisle but by the time I'm there, he's moved and I have to go looking again.
Much prefer shopping on my own.
He doesn't fart though. That would be me...

squizita · 30/03/2017 16:38

Bertrand it was just an example. The kind of thing you'd do once for a wind up, but again and again and again when the intention is just to show you don't respect the person.
And the reason I like her to look clean is because I have chronic anxiety about people looking down on me and judging me. No, it's not perfect. But if you knew that just having her in a clean t shirt and jeans would save me panicky cold sweats and raised cortisol and anxiety dreams? Would you do it again and again just to 'prove a point'.

squizita · 30/03/2017 16:40

...and we go to that cafe because the other place is a Wetherspoons where a drunk tried to assualt me in front of her.

If there was another option (ie a relaxed place without strange alcoholic menaces) I would gladly take it.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 17:04

Right. So dripfeed you have chronic anxiety.

Other posters are not psychic.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 17:05

And yes, in the circumstances you now describe, he is being unreasonable and unkind.

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