To ask you how normal this is?

57 replies

pepsiandshirley · 29/03/2017 21:51

Two couples, both married with teenage DC.

Have dinner together at home and then after a few drinks put on some music, turn the lights pretty much off, swap partners and spend the evening slow dancing in the dark.

Normal? Or not?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 30/03/2017 08:44

you clearly give no shits about each other if that's the case regardless of what you say.

It is plainly not for everyone, but it is highly presumptuous to assume that you know what is in the minds of every consenting swinging couple. Many people do it happily and while loving their partner and staying with them. It's not for you, fine, you don't understand it, fine, but don't claim that you speak for every other sexual human in the world.

Of course there are many who try it and it causes serious problems, but that's true of any human relationship model.

PoorYorick · 30/03/2017 08:46

I'd add that while I don't see a problem if everyone is a consenting adult, they should have taken precautions to make sure children didn't witness it. Ideally arranged a babysitter and done it somewhere else.

EdmundCleverClogs · 30/03/2017 09:47

This, with bells on! Not everyone equates sex to love, in fact I think it's healthier to keep the two things separate. Of course, being absolutely monogamous is 'the norm' (as dictated by society) but that doesn't mean open relationships or swinging is unhealthy either. Obviously the op has suffered through a very difficult childhood, but that doesn't mean feeling comfortable having more than one sexual partner is a bad thing. As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult of course.

PoorYorick · 30/03/2017 10:02

Yes...I'm not a swinger myself, but I am friends with people who are. They simply do not feel about sex the way Mumsnet society in general seems to. Their feeling is that it is normal and natural to be attracted to other people, and they would feel stifled and unhappy if they had to limit themselves to one partner. So they sought out others who felt the same, rather than cheat within a monogamous relationship. And
they simply don't mind if their partners also enjoy themselves in that way with others. It fits with their own feelings about sex. It works for them.

Their only stipulations are that everyone is a consenting adult, and everything is done honestly. I can think of many monogamous marriages that don't have that basis.

If you don't understand this that's fine, if you don't want to do it yourself that's certainly fine. But I really, really hate this idea that there's only one legitimate way to feel about sex. And it is horribly presumptuous to assume you know what is in the mind of other people just because their feelings about sex aren't the same as yours.

HerBluebiro · 30/03/2017 10:21

Helpfulperson I think you've got it. There is no harm in mentioning anything in therapy.

And more than 'is this act normal?' is the emotions it may or may not have raised in the child witnessing it. Those feelings are valid however normal or abnormal the act was that brought about those feelings.

Wider than the op is the discussiom about swingung. The Swinging lifestyle is absolutely not for me. I can't do with the jealousy I would feel. But the swingers I know or those with open marriages are very careful to act within their own rules - whatever they may be. They have to be careful about boundaries for it to work. It is just that their boundaries are very different to mine. As far as I know abuse is not more likely in a consenting non monogamous relationship.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/03/2017 10:23

Hahahaha! What can I say? Not normal, but each to their own I suppose.

Original poster

pepsiandshirley · 30/03/2017 13:57

Thanks all, interesting responses.

I personally don't have a strong view about swinging (not for me, but it doesn't keep me awake at night if others are in to it).

I suppose, I phrased me question wrongly - it should have been would it be normal for a 14 year old to witness this...I'm sensing the answer to that is no...

thanks all..

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