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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling guilty after 3 months LC with PIL

37 replies

Jemmy360 · 28/03/2017 22:55

Looking for reassurance I think. Let me give you some background. Met DH when I was 19 ,him 26. Met PIL after 3months and could tell they weren't impressed straight away. Made us sleep in separate rooms for 8 years when we came to visit from other end of the country. Mil came on her own to visit sometimes and sat on sofa crying. I was young and mystified by such behaviour, was warned by DH childhood friends that she's mental. DH cheerfully admits she's mental. I am not confrontational by nature so let numerous th i ngs slide that now I'm older I won't put up with.
We move to near PIL for work and got married. Mil insisted we invite 6 of her friends I had never met....again I let it slide to keep the peace. In the few years that followed some nasty incidents that I asked Dh to have a word with her about which has resulted in the crying and blanking us for a week before everything goes back to the way it was. A few examples are the time she rang screaming and crying begging for me not to put my children in care..... my youngest was going to go to DAY care when I retrained. While on holiday she came in to the house with her emergency key and completely rearranged it, including opening and reading post... throwing away things that were gifts from my late grandmother and smashing a vase that was a present from a friend who is no longer with us. No apology just a weeks sulk. Dh is great. Calls her out on her crap constantly. Fil is less crazy just wants a quiet life but slides the odd nasty comment in.these are just few gems from the last 20 years so it's not as if we havnt given them enough chances to be civil. I have arranged holidays parties xmasses etc for their benefit never acknowledged. Me and Dh have played Pil bingo for last 10 yrs...every time a nasty remark we get a point.
All came to a head this xmas. After an awful time putting up with Pil and sils(who are a complete other horror story) we said no more. It was quite emotional, and took alot for Dh to. Say enough is enough. No massive row we just have quietly withdrawn. Since then we have seen them once a week for a few hours for ds1 and ds2 sake who have good relationship with Pil.
But .....Mil is crying when we get there and comments starting about how we are keeping kids from them. I know it's classic hoovering but I'm feeling a bit guilty. Some reassurance s?
Sorry for long post but I'm leaving a hell of a lot out. X

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/03/2017 22:58

TBH they sound so toxic I don't think you are LC enough!!! It is not good for your DC to have to witness your MIL being so manipulative...

Perhaps DH needs to say her behaviour stops or you will be down to once a month as it's not in the DC best interests to witness her carrying on like that when she could just be enjoying spending time with the DC.

coconutpie · 28/03/2017 23:02

I don't understand why you are exposing your DC to those toxic people. I would have nothing to do with them and I would be protecting DC from them.

Hissy · 28/03/2017 23:04

Once a week? That's way too much! It's an expectation, scale it back a bit more.

If your PIL can't treat you and h with respect, and are too toxic for you, they are too toxic for your dc.

Sometimes we need to make the best decisions for our nearerst and dearest

Allthewaves · 28/03/2017 23:07

I'm in really good terms with my inlaws, they live super bear and we only see them once a wk

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 28/03/2017 23:07

Thanks random I think that's what I needed. On the weekly visits she doesn't even engage the dcs that much... eldest tween doesn't really want to know and youngest plays with toys. She sits with us and tries to engage in mindless convo or digs for info.last Sunday was apparently surprised to find out about an aspect of my work that she's known about for 10 years...defo knows as has commented on it! Tbh I try to ignore them, as you would think they would want to see dcs but doesn't seem to be working out that way. I think this is as low contact as we can get away with, as legal action has been casually mentioned and I don't want the hassle.
Dh has no feelings of guilt I might add....he's never been happier.

OP posts:

Jazzywazzydodah · 28/03/2017 23:08

I 100% guarantee you that nothing will have or would change.

Your her competition, the object in between her and her little boy.

The biggest problem, however is your dh. It's all good and well acknowledging that she has problems but he isn't taking them seriously. If he wants to see his mum, let him buy you stay back with your dc and keep away from her.

She will not change and when your dc are old enough to be bought and manipulated she will do it. Try intervening then..

Start as you mean to go. I'm happily called the 'nasty' dil as I've gone NC with my mil and very LC with dc as in a brief visit once every couple of months with dh - who sees her weekly .

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 28/03/2017 23:09

Agree coconut and hissy.... trying to find a balance we could look at scaling back. Thanks peeps.

OP posts:

WaegukSaram · 28/03/2017 23:09

Once a week for a few hours sounds like quite a lot to me!

I would go NC, they sound like total nightmares.

CruCru · 28/03/2017 23:11

Seriously? You see them once a week for a few hours and that is low contact? What was normal contact?

Once a week would be far too much for me, even if I got on brilliantly with them. Once every three months sounds about right.

SuziePink · 28/03/2017 23:12

Do grandparents have any visitation rights? Even if they do you have a good reason not to let your children spend much time with them. To me the legal stuff sounds like a further manipulation. If your husband has never been happier and you want as little contact as possible then I think you already know what's best for you.

FlyingElbows · 28/03/2017 23:14

Once a week isn't low contact though, is it? You'll never change her. Maybe have a think about why you consider her behaviour unacceptable for you but ok for your children. People like your Mil do very real emotional harm if you let them. It's your job to save your children from that.

RandomMess · 28/03/2017 23:14

They aren't interested in the DC, and Tween doesn't want to see them.

Dh can pop around with the DC once per month, job done

Pinkgeek · 28/03/2017 23:16

Grandparents have no legal rights over your dc so don't worry about that.

FlyingElbows · 28/03/2017 23:16

They have no legal rights to your children at all. To be successful at taking legal action to see your children (which they won't, they just like the power of the threat) they'd have to have had a significant role is raising your children. Just being granny is, thankfully, not enough.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 28/03/2017 23:19

Once a week?! That's more then me and my circle of friends sees our parents/PILS, and we are on good terms!! Once a month is more standard isn't it?

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 28/03/2017 23:21

Normal.contact was 3 times a week including school runs. Wasn't needed but was, again, to keep them happy. Agree ladies. What I think is happening is some feet stamping now she's realised we won't be her punch bags anymore.

We are looking to reduce to monthly but not nc ......well not just yet.

This might provoke her to some craziness that means we DO go nc.

OP posts:

averythinline · 28/03/2017 23:21

That is not low contact! Even once a month is not that low contact ...

I thought you were going to say you see them once or twice a year ...that's low contact..

The legal stuff /threats/blackmail is bullshit.... Gp have no rights as standard.... Where there has been 'cases' it's where GP have been main carers ....as far as I know...

Just stop going .... If dh wants to go off he goes...

ohfourfoxache · 28/03/2017 23:49

Christ, keep your DC away from this woman- she's toxic.

Having a relationship with her/them is not going to do the DC - or you and dh- any favours.

Have you read toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward?

LookMoreCloselier · 29/03/2017 00:11

If she is crying and pulling out the emotional blackmail, I'd call her on it, ie 'MIL if you behave like this, you will see the GC less, not more often'. Not easy to do, granted, but your kids shouldn't have to witness that utter shit and if she isn't pulled up she will continue.

emmyrose2000 · 29/03/2017 01:04

These people are toxic. Stop trying to make them happy, as it won't work,as the previous 20 years has shown. Just cut them off. You, DH and the kids will be much happier for it.

ThePants999 · 29/03/2017 01:23

Gosh. I see my dad about three times a year, and we get on great. How is what you have "low contact"!?

gluteustothemaximus · 29/03/2017 01:36

I remember when we scaled back contact to once a week. It was normally much more! Their behaviour got worse, as control was being lost.

Again, similarly, not engaging with kids, just there for info and digs. Or using the kids to get info.

Low contact is not once a week.

GP's have no rights. We had threats like that.

Sounds like you've had 20 years too much. Good luck, you and DH stick together and make a plan. They'll sniff out any issues and look to cause rifts between you, so stay a team x

toomuchtooold · 29/03/2017 05:56

This might provoke her to some craziness that means we DO go nc.

Yeah people like her don't like having any boundaries set, so LC can end up leading to NC. At least in that case you don't have to witness all the bad behaviour!

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread at all? You are not the only one with a relative like this.

Justanothernameonthepage · 29/03/2017 06:02

The beauty of going LC (once/twice a year) is that you won't be there to be cried/stomped at. And if she turns up "seeing you this upset is not healthy for the kids. If you can manage to behave well when we see you next, then we can discuss seeing you more often. The kids are our first priority right now, not your emotions." When you do meet somewhere neutral, if she acts up then you leave as it's 'obviously too upsetting for you'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2017 06:39

I agree this is not low contact. Low contact is irregular or infrequent visits. Low contact is distancing. If you think once a month is fine, once a month it is. She can rant and rave all she likes. However, if you want to do less, this is equally fine.

You teach people how to treat you. I don't know if she's a drama queen or has mental health issues (rather than saying she is "mental"). Perhaps she will learn to treat you like adults if given the chance. And in your dhs position, he could make it clear that she determines how frequently they have contact. He could for example say he will go every 8 weeks and reducing contact is a result of her behaviour and if she can conduct herself in a more respectful way, he will see her more frequently. Then if she learns he can then up it to once a month.

Reducing contact is not going to be easy. I would perhaps do a period of no contact for a while. The next shitty thing she does/says can be the straw that broke the camels back. Use this time to distance and rebalance the power. I did this with my mother and it worked Okish for a while. She was under a lot of strain with her husband chronically ill and slowly dying and now my stepdad just died so she's up to her old tricks again. But I can't do that again as it will be too much for her. She's her own worst enemy. I will confront her the next time she speaks to me out of turn, especially in my own home. I'm 46 fgs.

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