Feeling guilty after 3 months LC with PIL

[Jemmy360]

Looking for reassurance I think. Let me give you some background. Met DH when I was 19 ,him 26. Met PIL after 3months and could tell they weren't impressed straight away. Made us sleep in separate rooms for 8 years when we came to visit from other end of the country. Mil came on her own to visit sometimes and sat on sofa crying. I was young and mystified by such behaviour, was warned by DH childhood friends that she's mental. DH cheerfully admits she's mental. I am not confrontational by nature so let numerous th i ngs slide that now I'm older I won't put up with.
We move to near PIL for work and got married. Mil insisted we invite 6 of her friends I had never met....again I let it slide to keep the peace. In the few years that followed some nasty incidents that I asked Dh to have a word with her about which has resulted in the crying and blanking us for a week before everything goes back to the way it was. A few examples are the time she rang screaming and crying begging for me not to put my children in care..... my youngest was going to go to DAY care when I retrained. While on holiday she came in to the house with her emergency key and completely rearranged it, including opening and reading post... throwing away things that were gifts from my late grandmother and smashing a vase that was a present from a friend who is no longer with us. No apology just a weeks sulk. Dh is great. Calls her out on her crap constantly. Fil is less crazy just wants a quiet life but slides the odd nasty comment in.these are just few gems from the last 20 years so it's not as if we havnt given them enough chances to be civil. I have arranged holidays parties xmasses etc for their benefit never acknowledged. Me and Dh have played Pil bingo for last 10 yrs...every time a nasty remark we get a point.
All came to a head this xmas. After an awful time putting up with Pil and sils(who are a complete other horror story) we said no more. It was quite emotional, and took alot for Dh to. Say enough is enough. No massive row we just have quietly withdrawn. Since then we have seen them once a week for a few hours for ds1 and ds2 sake who have good relationship with Pil.
But .....Mil is crying when we get there and comments starting about how we are keeping kids from them. I know it's classic hoovering but I'm feeling a bit guilty. Some reassurance s?
Sorry for long post but I'm leaving a hell of a lot out. X

Thank you all...totally relate gluteus, sounds very familiar. Haven't read the Susan forward book, but have heard good things I may give it a go. Am a long time lurker on aibu so have read lots of the stately homes thread, has given me some backbone in previous years when I have doubted my reactions to some of the crazy.

You've all made me feel a lot better, thanks again. Xx

Hi mummyoflittledragons we must have cross posted. I don't mean to trivialize mental health...I have google diagnosed my mil over the past few years as having histrionic personality disorder with some borderline personality disorder thrown in. I don't have any expertise in the area but turned to the internet to try to understand and manage her behaviour. All strategies I have found have ultimately failed. We have used the last few months to rebalance the power (love that phrase btw) and we just feel we are waiting for her to blow and bring the whole situation to a head.
After some other comments recommended the stately homes thread have had a look and its all very familiar unfortunately.
We do actually know some grandparents who successfully went to court for access to grandchildren. They did not ever have the grandchildren living with them at any time or even have regular contact before the order. This may be where mils threats are stemming from, although atm I'm sure they are not serious.
Our children are the only grandchildren on both sides. DH has2 sisters no kids nor ever will be. This may help to explain why we have been so patient and them so clingy, although by no means justifies behaviour.
It's very easy to say go NC but much harder to do. Very hard to change a relationship dynamic when has been set for so long, and I've got to take my share of blame for that.
I see our friends who have great relationships with their families and I'm envious I think, as we won't ever have that.
I'd like to assure you that our dcs are completely oblivious to all of this btw.

Again, thanks everyone.

we just feel we are waiting for her to blow and bring the whole situation to a head.

This. Exactly.

I said to DH, during the year we went low contact once a week it was brewing, and we were going to have an almighty row soon.

I was right. Only it was me that lost my shit. They were in my house, being their usual nasty selfs, sarcastic comments, domineering "I'm your mother do as I say" sort of attitude, and more that's too much for this thread to go in to.

I saw red. In front of my children I was being treated like this (and had been for years). And that was it. I was calm. Told them they'd crossed the line over and over again. She went ballistic 'how DARE you!!' and "I'm your muvver!!' (eastenders like), he tried to pacify things, all the while looking at me like he wanted to hit me.

This was the beginning of the end, and I am SO happy things blew up like that. It was the great opportunity I needed to go NC.

No it's not easy at all. Especially at the beginning.

Again. Stick to a plan. Keep a team, and hold that united front.

Good luck. Truly shit times, I really do understand

Jemmy

I can see you've got your work cut out with this woman. Wow. This must be very hard. I got therapy to better dealing with my mother.

gluteus

My mother is the same. Threats of disinheriting. She did it today and there was no dispute. It was a passing comment from her about a decision my brother and I may (or may not) need to make. It's mad behaviour and maddening. I'd already said we'd not do anything to upset her. But noooo she can't be satisfied with that. I'm really cross. I'm so ill today and it makes me feel sick.

Once is week is high contact!!!

My ILS live 300 miles away and we see them once every 18 months or so! (They are toxic)

My parents live in the USA and we see them once a year but for 2 weeks at a time. They still have a lovely relationship with the GC.

I would tell her that every time you turn up and she is crying the it upsets the GC so until she can control herself there will be no contact!

Once a week isn't low contact it's actually quite a lot.

I know once a week might seem like high contact for some of you but believe me to them it's not. At one point when the babies were tiny they were in our house daily, which almost drove me mad. Explain I Nguyen to mil that this was not needed (wanted) caused one bout of tears and a week long sulk. Have been reading lots since first post and I think we have been in FOG, this plus your comments have strengthened my resolve to keep distance.

We are still waiting for her to blow😀

That should have been explaining.....autocorrect!

Let her blow, it makes your decision more needed.

I'd start by missing a week every month, find other things to do as a family just your Dh and the kids on that day. Then cut to monthly then even less.
That way they can't say they haven't seen the GC's and will look bat shit crazy if they try to go to court.
But make sure to actually do something and mark the calendar accordingly in case some solicitor is silly enough to represent them.

On another site where someone was having similar problems they were advised to say the following when their MIL started up with the crying 'You seem to be upset so we're going to leave. Let us know when you are feeling better', pack up and leave. That is one advantage of going to their house or meeting at a park or restaurant, it's a lot easier to leave yourselves than try to pry them out of your house.

If she goes into a sulk, don't be the one to contact her, leave her to make that decision let her find out that in the meantime you've made other arrangements for the next couple of weekends and don't have time to meet up.

Hopefully this will teach her that crying and sulking are not going to get her the things she wants.

Honestly nobody 'owes' anyone anything when it comes to access to children. People take their children to spend time with grandparents because normally it is a great experience for the children, someone else who loves and cares for them and from whom they can learn what being a good relative is. If it is just teaching them how to be manipulative and having to listen to people being snide about their parents then going LC is completely the right thing to do. It irritates me when people pull the whole 'but they're faaaamily' thing. Being family doesn't make someone healthy to be around. If someone behaves so badly that if they were a stranger or co-worker you would never speak to them again, why would you subject your children to them just because they share DNA?

Thanks for all your comments hissy and jackelope couldn't agree more. I think it's ingrained in us to visit relatives and takes a while for us to see it doesn't actually work.