Rude guest or rude host?

[njfhow]

So my brother lives many hours' drive away in Scotland. He works a job which requires night shifts, weekends etc. He is married and 2 DC (8 and 10). We (me, DH and 3 DC) are visiting Scotland for another reason and have something organised during the week so try to take the chance to see him and his family (bearing in mind we haven't seen each other since Xmas 2015). We only have the option of two possible weekends so we suggest a visit either at the beginning or the end of the week we are visiting.

Brother says great, I will arrange shifts etc and have time to see you on X weekend. Come and stay with us (they do have large house). So we arrange plans around that weekend being with brother.

Fast forward and two days before we head off, I message sister-in-law to ask if there is anything we should bring etc and we hope to arrive about 5pm on the Friday. SIL replies that they will not be home as DB is working Friday night shift but is off rest of weekend. She and the DC have sports club and not home until 8pm. They have no food in so we will have to manage with a sandwich.

No problems I say, we will arrive 8:30pm and will have a meal before we arrive so we don't need food Friday night.

SIL then replies - oh by the way we will need you out of the house on Saturday morning as she is working from home and has customers coming to the house and it would be best if everyone out of the way. Can we be up and "go for a walk or something" at about 8:30am till 11:30am. Brother will be asleep and their 2 DC will be going to sports club competition at 8am getting lift from friend.

At this point I think WTF? Speak to DH and he says he is not up for that and we will stay in local hotel for a night and come to them lunchtime Saturday.

So I message back saying change of plan we will come lunchtime Saturday. Which we do. Hardly any food in house so we all eat out and of course we offer to pay. No beds made for us or DC so we make our own. But we get on with it no problem and fairly enjoyable evening. Sunday morning their DC have yet another sports club so we decide to cut our losses and head off as long journey ahead.

I was a bit disappointed to be honest but never mind I think we have done our best and made an effort and a shame we didn't get to see very much of DB and his DC but was nice to catch up on the Saturday evening.

Just spoken to my Mum on the phone and she is saying how upset my DB is about how we wouldn't put ourselves out to stay on the Friday night and how he couldn't believe we would rather stay in hotel and how rude we were for doing that. Was it rude?

SIL was unwelcoming but maybe she meant to be. The invitation wasn't from her and I expect most of the work of hosting fell to her. Having a family of 5 stay isn't everyone's cup of tea. I would dread it, especially with 3 of the guests being children. Making up beds, shopping, cooking, entertaining, putting up with noise etc is tiring, especially if working and clients coming to house.

Why didn't your DB get the food in, make up the beds and provide entertainment?

Either it wasn't a convenient weekend or she was trying to put you off staying again.

You were not rude. I would have done the same.

I'd call your brother and explain that gettinout the house by 8:30 was not going to work for you.

WTF are you both doing running to mummy! if you were my grown kids I'ld bang your heads together and tell you to sort it out between yourselves!

My guess (since your DB is getting mummy to air his grievances for him so he sounds the type) is that your DB announced to his wife "I've invited my rellies AND I won't be here to cater for them"

Also, working from home is real work, and if her home is her workplace then your DB was out of order for inviting you without making arrangements for outtings that day

You weren't rude OP. I'd give your brother a call now, as others have said.

Full conversations with everyone are needed.

Are you absolutely sure that your mum reported exactly what your brother said.

I'm wondering if your mum thought she was picking up vibes that your brother 'thought' you were unreasonable at not staying over...whereas he was either completely oblivious to the lack of preparation for your stay (which seems quite likely given his failure to apologise for no food/made up beds etc)...or he was embarrassed and didn't know how to admit it to you or your mum?

So so so rude. They didn't even make beds?! Or get food in? I'd be really hurt. I'd also tell your Mother the above.

And as others have said, even if you'd showed up on he door without me knowing I'd make beds and rush out to get food. It would be dh I'd take it out on, not guests. Rude cow. I'd never want to see her again.

How long ago was the visit arranged? I reckon your DB agreed it all ages ago with you, and then has remembered far too late that he didn't discuss it with his wife...

Still, tell your mum why you stayed in a hotel, send a thanks for having us card, and forget about it.

Never mind hotel.. I would have gone home.

They must have read hostility, rather than hospitality.

Who cares is they were rude (which they absolutely were - whether that's your DB, SIL or both). I would more annoyed that he's been moaning about you to your mum tbh

Why didn't you speak to your DB? Odd that he wouldn't convey how he felt to you either, but he chose to bitch about you to your mum I guess if he hasn't seen you in years there must be some sort of back story - do you not get in (I would guess because if his weird wife?)

If I were you - call or text brother. Sounds like he is coiled about what actually happened. His wife sounds weird too.

He couldn't possibly have missed your company on Friday night as he was working the night shift !!

All very fishy. Bet your SIL doesn't like having her weekends interrupted. In fact given the number of sports clubs involved it doesn't sould like she likes her own kids' company either!

Coming from the sort of family that kills the fatted calf everytime we see each other, which is at least once a month. I find rudeness like this very hard to understand.Even if your SIl was' put out to' have guests I think it takes a very disagreeable person to behave like that.

My guess is that not only did DB forget to mention it to his wife, he also forgot you were coming. Hence he was working.

We have an extended family whatsapp group that we use for arrangements like this. It keeps everyone informed about the plans as they evolve. Could this work in future?

How many visitors does he get?

We get absolutely loads (mostly not by choice and not entirely to see us). I have to put my foot down about the children's activities, or they would never get to go. I am sure some people think I am rude. But this is their childhood and I have to protect it.

I am good at providing clean bedding, food, wine, though.

I'd be annoyed at him bitching to your Mum, and at her for passing it on.

SIL was very rude to you, and I agree that you did the right thing by going to hotel. I also agree with PPs that your DB should have been pulling his weight.

Unless the children had some kind of competition I'd have given the sports clubs a miss to catch up with relatives they hadn't seen in over a year!
I guess if the SIL had clients visiting then she couldn't have a hosue full of children but I'm not sure why they would say that weekend was convenient for you to stay when it obviously wasn't. YANBU.

Thanks for all the replies - sorry I didn't check back earlier, I was doing tea etc. I am glad that most people agree I was not rude in staying in the hotel. I have calmed down a bit now to be honest from having spoken to my mum. I could not believe it but thought maybe I was missing something in terms of guest behaviour expectations! At the time I received those texts off SIL I was actually quite upset as I felt we were not welcome but I really did want to see my DB and family after all this time. For various reasons we simply cannot get together very often.

I understand his job requires these shifts and that for him "clearing the weekend" might have still meant working the Friday late shift. I did explain to him at the time when we were there that because of SIL working and wanting us out of the house we had decided to use the hotel option (she gives music lessons and wanted quiet and even though their house is a decent size, you can imagine with five of us there it would be difficult for us to be quiet and out of the way). So DB definitely knew we had been asked to vacate for a while!

And SIL definitely knew we were coming - when we made the arrangements she was involved at one point in confirming they did not need to go to an away competition for one of their sports.

To be fair it is a lovely place he lives and we probably could have found something to do for the Saturday morning but it was the idea of having to get up, eat and dressed and out at that hour that just put us off!! I think DB just took offence that we weren't prepared to fit in around all their arrangements on the Friday night and also that we decided to leave earlier on the Sunday rather than go and watch the sports thing.

Also I get the feeling from SIL that she resents DB not being around much to help out. My impression over the years (not that I see them much so I know I should not judge) is that DB works really hard and is always exhausted but whenever he is home she expects him to do everything. I think I will just leave it tbh.

Sports clubs importance, I totally understand. Our whole family seems to be ruled by my DDs karate atm, but we do not mind. The one relative who does come to stay with us regularly happily goes along and watches and is as keen a supporter as myself and DP (DDs uncle).

The rudeness over the Friday night and having no food in for you is rude. I get the feeling that you thought removing yourselves and staying in a hotel was helpful.

I think your brother had a communication problem, in that he did not communicate properly with his DW, so she was not expecting you.

Well I would not take up what DM says - instead you should take it up with DB.
Letting her get embroiled in the middle of this is just complicating stuff and allowing yourself to be made the bad guy. Don't discuss it with her again.

They were quite rude and did not make time to see you or DCs properly, I mean WTF guests come and you have no food in. With DCs you will have food in anyway so that is just ridiculous.

I would just put it down to a lesson learnt and not discuss it with DM and not make the effort again. Maybe just call in en route in future and not stay over.

I also agree re sports clubs, they cost a fortune per half term and are pre-paid. I wouldn't cancel them if someone was visiting for the whole weekend

You could legitimately leave it, because he hasn't had the balls to talk to you directly. I don't think I'd want to go back though.

Thanks for the update

It would be interesting to know what your DB actually said to your DM and whether she has put a negative spin on it and is now stirring it

A comment like 'it was a shame we couldn't see more of each other and DSis couldn't stay for the sports thing but never mind' could easily be warped by a DM who thinks her son is the bestest man on earth and misses her GCs so would love to watch their sports event in the freezing rain.

Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch my nieces' dance show but I also know their parents view this as a fun activity for adult visitors. Some parents just don't see that their children aren't as interesting to others as they are to them.

I've been the SIL in that situation.

I had agreed previous weekend plans with OH before he invited guests and summarily changed part of the plans.
I told him I was not happy.
I told him I would not be changing my part of the plans; and if he went ahead with [certain thing that would be much better with me there], he'd be on his own.

Friday night came. He arrived home with guests, I waited expectantly for the dinner he had to make.

Saturday morning, I got up bright and early and announced I was off for the day. OH whined about the [certain thing], I smiled sweetly and shut the front door.

Sunday morning, I enjoyed tea in the garden and ignored any hints to skivvy round making breakfast for the guests he'd invited.

He'd be stupid to try it again.