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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude guest or rude host?

85 replies

njfhow · 28/03/2017 18:24

So my brother lives many hours' drive away in Scotland. He works a job which requires night shifts, weekends etc. He is married and 2 DC (8 and 10). We (me, DH and 3 DC) are visiting Scotland for another reason and have something organised during the week so try to take the chance to see him and his family (bearing in mind we haven't seen each other since Xmas 2015). We only have the option of two possible weekends so we suggest a visit either at the beginning or the end of the week we are visiting.

Brother says great, I will arrange shifts etc and have time to see you on X weekend. Come and stay with us (they do have large house). So we arrange plans around that weekend being with brother.

Fast forward and two days before we head off, I message sister-in-law to ask if there is anything we should bring etc and we hope to arrive about 5pm on the Friday. SIL replies that they will not be home as DB is working Friday night shift but is off rest of weekend. She and the DC have sports club and not home until 8pm. They have no food in so we will have to manage with a sandwich.

No problems I say, we will arrive 8:30pm and will have a meal before we arrive so we don't need food Friday night.

SIL then replies - oh by the way we will need you out of the house on Saturday morning as she is working from home and has customers coming to the house and it would be best if everyone out of the way. Can we be up and "go for a walk or something" at about 8:30am till 11:30am. Brother will be asleep and their 2 DC will be going to sports club competition at 8am getting lift from friend.

At this point I think WTF? Speak to DH and he says he is not up for that and we will stay in local hotel for a night and come to them lunchtime Saturday.

So I message back saying change of plan we will come lunchtime Saturday. Which we do. Hardly any food in house so we all eat out and of course we offer to pay. No beds made for us or DC so we make our own. But we get on with it no problem and fairly enjoyable evening. Sunday morning their DC have yet another sports club so we decide to cut our losses and head off as long journey ahead.

I was a bit disappointed to be honest but never mind I think we have done our best and made an effort and a shame we didn't get to see very much of DB and his DC but was nice to catch up on the Saturday evening.

Just spoken to my Mum on the phone and she is saying how upset my DB is about how we wouldn't put ourselves out to stay on the Friday night and how he couldn't believe we would rather stay in hotel and how rude we were for doing that. Was it rude?

OP posts:

diddl · 28/03/2017 18:56

Sounds like your brother wants visitors at no inconvenience to himself tbh.

If it's your brother who has said yes to you visiting, why are you messaging his wife about what to bring etc?

isadoradancing123 · 28/03/2017 18:58

Explain to your brother and your mum

Hulder · 28/03/2017 18:59

Speak to your brother!

Using another person (your DM) to pass on insults between you is a tactic out of the schoolyard.

You are adults, you don't need your DM to manage your relationship. You could easily feed back that you are pissed off you barely saw him and the thing would go on and on, back and forth via your mother.

Speak to him yourself and clear the air but be prepared to find out he's an arse who you don't want to see v often

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 19:00

I wouldn't bother visiting again.

LagunaBubbles · 28/03/2017 19:02

Like a lot of problems this could be sorted our by better communication - phone your brother. Yanbu staying in a hotel if she told you she wanted you out of the house at half 8 in the morning!!

Crumbs1 · 28/03/2017 19:02

Incredibly rude. If I had someone turn up unexpectedly I'd treat them with more respect and a bigger welcome. Not sure I'd make a fuss but would tell my brother I was disappointed that it felt like I was a major inconvenience. I'd be nicer to a stranger, to be honest.

JustSpeakSense · 28/03/2017 19:03

I think SIL wasn't too happy about having you stay, even though DB obviously did want you.

You need to speak to him and make it clear how unwelcome you felt and that you are disappointed to not have seen more of him.

(Is everything ok with DB & SIL marriage? Sounds like they are on different pages)

Allegorygirl · 28/03/2017 19:03

What is your relationship normally like with your SIL? Does she have form for this type of welcome?

MrsLion · 28/03/2017 19:05

Sounds to me like sil wasn't aware you were coming. She had a lot planned that weekend and didn't want to disrupt everything for visitors she didn't know were going to be there.

Your DB needs to communicate better, both with you and his wife.

BalloonSlayer · 28/03/2017 19:06

Just ring him.

Tell him what SIL said.

He's done that male thing of inviting you and expecting his wife to do all the entertaining. She's obviously had enough.

Or, if you emailed him I suppose you could mention it.

Dear Bro

I hear from Mum that you are upset that we didn't stay on Friday night. We planned to, but when I spoke to SIL she said no one would even be in and there would be no food in the house. She also asked us to leave the house on Saturday morning for a couple of hours because she had to work. It was pretty obvious that staying with you was really inconvenient for her so we did what we thought was the polite thing and went to a hotel.

Hand on heart DBro, do you have form for inviting people and expecting SIL to do all the work? It felt to us like SIL has had enough of entertaining people you invite, and I don't blame her.

^We would love to have stayed with you on Friday, but there was no point as you were not going to be there! When we originally arranged it you said you would arrange shifts to see us - what happened?

Anyway, thank you for having us on Saturday, and it was lovely to see you all.

Love to SIL, njfhow xx

gaaahhhh · 28/03/2017 19:06

Wow, talk to your bro. Offer to forward him the texts from SIL. She did make it sound like you being there was very inconvenient.

Rude host

gobbynorthernbird · 28/03/2017 19:08

Although not ideal, I can understand SIL needing you out of the house whilst she was working. Can't understand why your DB couldn't do a shop or make up beds, though. That's just rude.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 28/03/2017 19:09

Your DB and SIL were out of order. Sounds about as welcoming as a weekend in a Siberian gulag.

I've come to the conclusion over the years that some people genuinely just don't know how to host guests.

They expect that "normal" family life continues with no interruption and no effort on their part.

I fully appreciate I'm at the opposite end of the scale - guest bedrooms cleaned immaculately, fresh bed linen, towels laid out for guest use, fresh flowers and bottles of mineral water and glasses - as a start! Then lovely food and lots of it

I appreciate people visit to see me, but part of me showing my appreciation/care of them is making their stay comfortable and enjoyable.

I wouldn't bother to speak to your brother about it. If he can't see how unwelcome he made you feel I doubt pointing it out would make any difference.

Freyanna · 28/03/2017 19:11

Yanbu, I would have stayed in a hotel too. I woudn't be in a hurry to go back.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 28/03/2017 19:12

No you were not rude. It was clear they were too busy to host you and you did your best to help them out. Staying in a hotel with food, beds, and being able to sleep in on a Saturday as opposed to having to bring food, make your own sandwich for dinner, make your beds, having to get up at 6.30 a.m. to scrounge up food and then walk around for hours in whatever the weather happened to be is a really obvious choice particularly when the first option only allows you to see your family for a few minutes one evening and a few minutes the following morning anyway.

Their attempt at hosting on the night you did stay was piss poor.

Scholes34 · 28/03/2017 19:13

Did you not talk to your brother when you were there?

milliemolliemou · 28/03/2017 19:14

Where's OP?

dontpokethebear · 28/03/2017 19:15

Another vote for phoning your brother!

readyforno2 · 28/03/2017 19:27

Have you phoned him yet op?

Hulder · 28/03/2017 19:28

Thinking about it again, does your DB have form for expecting the women in his life to do all the emotional labour?

You are going to visit him, in a visit you have organized to suit him. Does he initiate any visits/calls to you?

It looks v likely that SIL had no idea you were coming.

He didn't get any food in/make beds etc to make you welcome. He just left it to you/SIL.

And then he gripes to another woman, your DM, about your behaviour and expects her to make everything rosy for him again!

Nanna50 · 28/03/2017 19:30

I think this sounds typical of some men we read about on other threads where they make arrangements but do not discuss it with their wife or take any responsibility. SIL then gets an email from you and is left to deal with it.

Phone your DB if the arrangements were made through him them he should have made plans to accommodate and welcome you. If it was inconvenient for his wife then he should have made plans to meet up with you and catch up elsewhere.

Your SIL could have posted on here;
My DH has invited his DSis and family to stay. I would love to have a catch up with them as we have not seen them for a while. However he is at work on the Friday night, I am working from home on the Saturday morning and he will be asleep. Our children are at sports events three times over that weekend and I will be ferrying them back and forwards. Husband hasn't even offered to make up the beds for their stay. AIBU to think that DH should have consulted me first, took the night off work or made other arrangements for a catch up etc...?

rookiemere · 28/03/2017 19:32

Definitely sounds as if he hadn't told SIL.

We stayed with some friends recently who run a hostel type place. They knew we were coming but the DW was out when we got there and then was late coming back and as a result DH and I ended up serving dinner to their paying guests and we didn't have dinner until about 10.00pm.

DH and I both agreed that to us it appeared as if she was doing it to make a point to her DH who I think has a habit of disappearing.

Id be tempted to send the email above or even better send a thank you card saying as well as usual thanks - hope you don't mind us not staying on Friday night seemed like the best idea when you guys weren't around or free on Saturday morning. Hope to see you when hell freezes over very soon.

sonjadog · 28/03/2017 19:35

Your DB could have made up the beds and done the shopping. Why would you blame that on your SiL?

I think you got caught up in a fight between them. Maybe he has form for inviting people or making plans without asking her, and then expecting her to entertain them and do all the organization? It sounds like this was her taking a stand against that. Uncomfortable for you, but good on her for not putting up with it.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 28/03/2017 19:35

I can easily see this being a result of an AIBU...

"My husband has invited his sister and her family to stay with us without consulting me. The kids have sports I need to get them to on both days, I have clients coming to the house on one day, and he'll expect me to cook and clean. I'm furious that he did this without asking me. AIBU?"

Most of MN: "Leave him to deal with it. Don't cook, don't make the beds, and carry on your business and the kids' sports as usual."

EatsShitAndLeaves · 28/03/2017 19:40

So I may be alone here - but even if my DH was useless and made arrangements without me knowing or asking there is still no way I'd treat guests like that thankfully he's lovely and not a problem I'd have to deal with.

Admittedly I'd be pissed off, but with him and not the guests. I'd do my best to make them welcome and after they'd left tear a strip of him - after making sure he pulled his weight during the weekend.

The SIL may have her reasons, but she was still very, very rude and inhospitable.

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