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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell him I want to have an abortion?

69 replies

Idontknowhwhattodo · 28/03/2017 13:35

I've just taken a pregnancy test, it's positive.
I've always known I don't want kids let alone now. My life isn't together, I'm young, this is not what I want.
I'm on the pill AND used condoms, I'm gutted.
I'm figured I was late and just picked one up by chance earlier genuinely thinking it would come back negative.
I know I need to have an abortion, I'm so certain this needs to happen but I am so terrified.
The guy I met for the first time only 6 weeks ago, it's pretty casual. We've only met up 3 times in all. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and we knew we weren't going to see each other for around a month and a half due to various reasons. We had been speaking every day but the conversation has slowed down since the last time I saw him. Even though it was mostly sex we've also spent many hours just hanging out and talking and cuddling, but yeah I'm aware I still barely know him. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to see him again though, I've decided to leave the ball in his court to message me or make plans next month, but he may not.
Morally I don't know what to do, I mean if he never contacts me again there's absolutley no reason to tell him is there? But if he does is there? The last time we spoke was 3 days ago. But even so I know we won't see each other for still at least a month anyway. And I'm pretty certain this is going to stay a casual thing.
Also I'm going to pick up another test when I finish work to make sure.

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 28/03/2017 14:52

I wouldn't tell him.

Unless I thought he had been neglectful with the condom, in which case I would be angry enough to give him a piece of my mind - after the abortion is done.

However, if he used condoms the correct way, then we can assume that not becoming a father was the outcome he expected - he doesn't need to be told that an accident happened when he could have done nothing to prevent it.

If you felt close enough to him to want emotional support with the abortion, you could tell him for that reason -. but this obviously isn't the case.

TedEriksen · 28/03/2017 14:54

Your body, your future, your decision - no-one else's business.

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2017 14:57

Don't tell him.

Benedikte2 · 28/03/2017 15:02

If he has strong views about abortion ( and you don't know him well enough to be sure) he could become quite upset and abusive at the thought of you aborting "his child". Don't tell him.

Idefix · 28/03/2017 15:03

No need to tell him, your body, your choice.

Given the circumstance I would also recommend a sexual health screen, I don't know if this would be discussed when you seek an abortion.

I hope you are okay op.

ChicRock · 28/03/2017 15:04

If you tell him then you're inviting his input, so if you tell him then be prepared to hear it.

If there's any future in this relationship then, if it were me, I'd tell him.

But I think telling him after the event is pretty cruel actually and don't see why anyone would do that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2017 15:07

Given the circumstances I see no reason to tell him about this. You do not want this pregnancy, you took sensible steps to prevent it, your contraception failed you, and this is a casual relationship ("I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to see him again though").

MorrisZapp · 28/03/2017 15:08

This happened to me, I didn't tell. None of his business.

BarbarianMum · 28/03/2017 15:08

I think you need to tell him if you want to go on and build a relationship with him. Not otherwise.

MulderitsmeX · 28/03/2017 15:11

You absolutely dont need to tell him. If you feel it will help you move on then do, you don't want any drama from him making this more difficult than it is.

Do you have a good friend who can support you? X

Creampastry · 28/03/2017 15:17

If you have an abortion I don't think you need to tell him at all. But if you keep the baby then you should tell him.

Pigface1 · 28/03/2017 15:18

I don't think you need to tell him and I think people who are suggesting you should are making a far bigger deal of this than is necessary.

morningconstitutional2017 · 28/03/2017 15:31

If you're certain that you don't want children then your head is obviously telling you that an abortion is the sensible course of action. Whether this relationship goes the distance or not, it is still your body and is entirely your choice.

In an ideal world, babies should be conceived in an equal partnership where you both want the same thing.

But emotions come into this. What if you tell him and he runs a mile?

What if he says, 'do what you want, I'll support you whatever your decision' or if he is broody and wants a child? What to do then? Would you feel pressurised into having this baby? Then be resentful.

There's no easy answer and whatever you choose to do you may feel regretful later. On the other hand we all make many difficult decisions and may regret some of them, having an abortion hopefully won't be the one thing which keeps you awake at night.

You need to talk to someone who doesn't have an agenda so that you can make an informed choice. I'm sorry you're in this awful situation but you will get through it. Take care.

Olympiathequeen · 28/03/2017 15:34

You don't need to tell him. It will only complicate things. He's hardly going to declare his undying love and want to turn you all into a little family. It's no basis for a life partnership. It sounds very lukewarm. If you don't want a baby then it's your choice.

If you do want to keep it then you can tell him because he has to pay maintenance.

Yours is the only choice that matters.

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2017 15:34

"You need to talk to someone who doesn't have an agenda so that you can make an informed choice. I'm sorry you're in this awful situation but you will get through it. Take care. flowers"

Or she could just know her own mind and not need to talk to anyone. It's only an awful situation for some people.

DisneyMillie · 28/03/2017 15:41

If you want a relationship with him then you'd probably want to tell him as otherwise it would hang over you.

But assuming you probably don't then I'd say don't tell him. I see nothing to gain by telling him and if he feels differently about abortion he might make things difficult for you and it would cause him unnecessary hurt he can't avoid.

Hope everything goes ok for you

Gottagetmoving · 28/03/2017 16:13

I wouldn't tell him. Well, not in the situation you describe.
It all sounds very casual so I don't think it is a matter to concern him. I would only tell someone who I was in a committed relationship with,
It may turn out to be long term but at the moment you just don't know.
I know someone who was in your situation and she had the termination and never told the BF. He was the type of person who would have got very involved in her decision despite it being a casual relationship. They stopped seeing each other a month after she had the termination. She has never regretted her decision to keep it from him.

Roanoke · 28/03/2017 16:25

Don't tell him. It's your body, you take a pill, period, done, dusted, no need to think of it again.

You tell him, he could blow it up into something it isn't. He could be a rabid pro-lifer for all you know. He could make your life a misery, complaining and demanding you keep it because 'it's his' and laying on guilt about his chance at fatherhood. Before you know it you've changed your mind, he's lost interest and you're lumbered with a kid you don't want and an ex you can barely remember (and who won't pay a dime.)

Even at the better end of the spectrum, you're burdening him with someone he doesn't want or need to know. It's bad enough you going through it, but he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to have the what-ifs and any sadness or guilt. Sometimes I think I wouldn't tell my DH, not because he'd try to stop me - he wouldn't - but because I'd rather shoulder the burden myself and let him remain in blissful ignorance.

Frazzled2207 · 28/03/2017 17:28

No need to tell him. But if you met up again in the future and had a go at a relationship think it would be the right thing to tell him. But that seeks unlikely.
Hope you are ok. You seem fairly sure about your decision, which sounds like the right one for you. Sorry you're in this situation,

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