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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell him I want to have an abortion?

69 replies

Idontknowhwhattodo · 28/03/2017 13:35

I've just taken a pregnancy test, it's positive.
I've always known I don't want kids let alone now. My life isn't together, I'm young, this is not what I want.
I'm on the pill AND used condoms, I'm gutted.
I'm figured I was late and just picked one up by chance earlier genuinely thinking it would come back negative.
I know I need to have an abortion, I'm so certain this needs to happen but I am so terrified.
The guy I met for the first time only 6 weeks ago, it's pretty casual. We've only met up 3 times in all. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago and we knew we weren't going to see each other for around a month and a half due to various reasons. We had been speaking every day but the conversation has slowed down since the last time I saw him. Even though it was mostly sex we've also spent many hours just hanging out and talking and cuddling, but yeah I'm aware I still barely know him. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to see him again though, I've decided to leave the ball in his court to message me or make plans next month, but he may not.
Morally I don't know what to do, I mean if he never contacts me again there's absolutley no reason to tell him is there? But if he does is there? The last time we spoke was 3 days ago. But even so I know we won't see each other for still at least a month anyway. And I'm pretty certain this is going to stay a casual thing.
Also I'm going to pick up another test when I finish work to make sure.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 28/03/2017 14:09

It is 100% your decision to make, but I think he has a right to know it's happening.

MissAdaSmith · 28/03/2017 14:09

I would not tell him and just do what it right for you.

Whistle73 · 28/03/2017 14:09

I would go ahead and have the termination and then tell him afterwards. You never know some time in the future he might be in a relationship struggling to conceive and knowing he has in the past might be useful info to have.

MaudGonneMad · 28/03/2017 14:10

For those saying he has a right to know the abortion is happening - why?

Doyouwantabrew · 28/03/2017 14:12

maud I really don't get it either? What's the point! The only reason
To tell a bloke is if you want to. In any circumstances married/single /one night stand etc.

Doyouwantabrew · 28/03/2017 14:13

whistle the simplest of fertility tests could tell him that.

EweAreHere · 28/03/2017 14:15

You don't have to tell him if you don't want to. Abortion is legal and safe and you have the right to exercise your right to have one if you don't want to have a baby.

user1476185294 · 28/03/2017 14:17

I'm probably in the minority, but if it's early on, in my head it's still all just cells. No consciousness (as far as I'm aware) and so I can convince myself that it's not such a big deal.

I suppose though it's one thing to deal with it depending on your emotions (both current and long term) and other to try guess (since you have said yourself that you don't really know him/early relationship) how he may feel about it (again, both now and in the future). If that makes sense... sure there is a better way.
But since your not wanting kids then any accidents with birth control will end this way, so long term your probably only going to last if he's of the same thoughts as you.

Hmm... I was going to say no need to tell him, but I think I've convinced myself that if you are going to keep seeing him and want a future you should tell him. I hate secrets and lies.

Biker47 · 28/03/2017 14:19

I'd only want to know if you were going to keep it, other than that; none of my business. I'm a man FWIW.

BorpBorpBorp · 28/03/2017 14:20

I think it would be the morally better thing to do to tell him, unless you think that telling him would put you in any kind of danger (including danger of dealing with any emotional fall out that you're not able to cope with), but I don't think you have a duty to tell him at all.

If you plan to continue any form of relationship with him, I would speculate that it would be better for your own mental health to tell him now, but that is just speculation.

diddl · 28/03/2017 14:21

Why would you tell him?

Unless you were undecided & wanted his input?

"I'm pregnant, it's yours, I'm having an abortion"-what is anyone supposed to do with tha information?

BaggyCheeks · 28/03/2017 14:22

I'd probably tell him, and definitely would if I thought the relationship was going somewhere - I knew very early on with my DH that we would be serious. I wouldn't be in a rush to tell him if I didn't think it was serious, but I probably still would in a "By the way, I got pregnant and have booked/have had an abortion" way because I think a timely reminder of the fallibility of contraception isn't a bad thing for him to take into future relationships, and it's something he will at least be aware happened.

But other posters are totally right - your body, your choice, your news to tell or not tell.

VickieCherry · 28/03/2017 14:23

Would you change your mind if he said he wanted you to keep it?

You have no moral obligation to tell him. You got unlucky, it's your body, you decide what happens to it.

BakeOffBiscuits · 28/03/2017 14:25

You do not need to tell him, but I think you would find it easier not to see him again. Don't wait for him to contact you, just finish it and that will be an end to it. I think if you saw him again or thought you were going to see him again,, you would find it more difficult to not tell him.

Klaphat · 28/03/2017 14:26

You don't need to tell him at all. If you needed practical or moral support to do with the procedure and you were fairly certain he'd be prepared to offer that, then I think you could ask him for that, since he was one of the two causes of this situation. But having some kind of moral obligation to tell him you got pregnant, even though the outcome of the pregnancy isn't going to affect his life? Nah.

bigbuttons · 28/03/2017 14:29

The chances are he would disappear faster than you could click your fingers should you decide to tell him.
If you know you want an abortion and aren't that interested in him then I wouldn't say anything.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 28/03/2017 14:31

What would telling him achieve?

jdoe8 · 28/03/2017 14:34

Your body your rules

IHeartDodo · 28/03/2017 14:34

I wouldn't tell him either - although if it did turn into something I probably would eventually (after maybe a few months). But that'd be up to you really.

amusedbush · 28/03/2017 14:35

I wouldn't tell him. I'd have the procedure and then put the whole experience behind me - him included.

Meekonsandwich · 28/03/2017 14:39

If I were you I would not tell him, just because you don't know him that well, and what if he has strong views on it?? That would make it so Much more complicated. ignorance is bliss.

Talk to someone you trust, get some councilling and look into your options. and maybe check out some different contraception because that's incredibly unlucky or your super fertile!

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/03/2017 14:42

You don't need to tell him.

But I would suggest, if there's a reasonable chance you will see him around, whether as a sexual partner, however casual, or in a more platonic way, it will probably complicate your life less if he knew from the beginning. I don't think this is true for everyone, but you're debating with yourself even now if you should tell him or not, so I think it's likely you'll find it a bit of a burden to keep it as a secret from him long term. And if you're going to tell you should tell him at the beginning, not in a few years. Straight after the abortion if you don't want to do it before hand - I'm not suggesting he should have a say, he shouldn't - but make the next time you see him a situation where you can have a bit of a talk and do it then, so that it doesn't become a "thing".

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 28/03/2017 14:42

I wouldn't tell him, it's your body it's got nothing to do with him.

Hope you get sorted soon

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2017 14:45

I agree that the only time you would have have a moral obligation to inform him would be if you were continuing the pregnancy. As you are not, I dont see why he needs to be told.

Get the procedure and move on.

TwentyCups · 28/03/2017 14:49

I wouldn't tell him. It's a medical procedure for your body that you are choosing to have. This was not s planned pregnancy that he hoped for, knows of, or tried to acheive.

You've been very unlucky to be caught out using two forms of protection. Maybe speak to your doctor about using a LARC such as an implant or coil. Alongside condoms this may have a better chance of working as eliminates risk from diarrhoea or vomiting etc.

for you. Do what is best for you and you alone.

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