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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where are we going to live?

50 replies

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 12:57

I can't find a housing section or anything that I feel applies so posting here.
I'm feeling really stuck and worried, me and my partner are currently living with his family with our daughter while we save to buy a house. I'm currently on maternity leave with a month before I'm due back to work so all the savings are his & anything that I make when I go back to work part time will go towards our baby/shopping/ car insurance, general stuff as OH doesn't tend to contribute to that. I think in his head he justifies if he's saving money for a house I should pay for everything else. But anyway that's another argument. Currently we have nowhere else to go but here, I'm grateful for his family helping us but il never feel at home here and it doesn't help that me and OH don't have the best relationship. I feel like he sees me more as his friend and feel alone in raising and caring for our child. Because we don't have a stable relationship I don't want us to break up somewhere down the line and all the savings be his and I'm left with no money and nowhere to go. So I need to know if there's something I can do in regards to putting my name on a list or registering with a housing association or something so I have a back up plan.
I feel like there's nothing I can do and I'm sure it sounds silly to people as it's not an emergency accommodation situation and I don't want to make a big thing over it or offend his family by leaving with DD as its not a violent relationship or anything it's just that I can't see it lasting and worry for my daughter if we have nowhere to go.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 28/03/2017 12:59

I think you need to apply to the local housing associations and look for a rented place. Have a 6 month break then decide where to go from there

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 13:10

The whole thing makes me want to cry. I end up spending the day in our room or going out to try and avoid awkward time with his family but then I feel bad that I'm coming across ungrateful. I just feel so alone, I've fallen out with most of my family so don't feel like I can talk to anyone and OH just doesn't notice anything. He doesn't sense that I need help and can't do everything all day every day, or that it's hard for me to be here and feel like the odd one out, he never talks to me he goes to work, comes home, eats and sleeps then does the same thing the next day. I get on well with his mum but she's so protective of him I could never talk to her about how I feel as she'd just defend him. Because I don't say it I don't feel like anyone knows it must be hard for me so for me to up and leave or say "im moving into a house on my own" would seem like I'm betraying them or have used them

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/03/2017 13:12

So your paying for everything and he's saving? You're not married. If you two split up then he'd be loaded and you'd have nothing! Why are you doing this?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 28/03/2017 13:12

I would be worried when 'he' has the deposit you are going to be left high and dry. . Or if you move together he is going to claim you have no stake in the house as he paid for the deposit.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 13:25

It's one of those things that really pisses me off but I don't say because I don't want to argue. Yes I know i shouldn't be paying for every tin of milk she has, new outfit, nappies etc but then I feel bad if he pays for that AND puts £500 a month away for a house....but then I also think it's not fair that I'm having to live on SMP for me and our daughter and having £10 left at the end of every month when he's managing to put money away, and looking at new watches for himself or stuff for his car etc. I feel like it's lose lose for me. I used to think "he's getting us a house!" But now I think we're not going to make it to then so all this money is going in his pocket and I'm paying for a child alone and will literally have nothing when it comes down to it.
I could never afford the rent and the bills that go into paying for a house though so what am I supposed to do?

OP posts:

SomethingBorrowed · 28/03/2017 13:38

OP please don't take it the wrong way but you have to do something or you might end up very unhappy.
You are not earning money at the moment but you are taking care of your DC. So the money your DP is earning is for both of you. If he can't understand that, tell him he has to

pay 50% of the expenses (nappies, food, clothes, equipement, toys...)
pay you 50% of what a nanny would earn for full time care of your DC. Plus 50% of what a cleaner/housekeeper would earn. Because the alternative is for you to go back to work and for both of you to pay for a nanny + cleaner. (I am assuming you do the cleaning at the moment) Also if you work all household chores will be split 50:50: shopping, cooking, tidying, laundry, errands...

The alternative is for him to pay prorata for all household expenses (his salary vs your maternity pay), not just DC, yours as well, and the house you buy will be in both your names. You continue to take full time care of his DC.

Don't allow him to take advantage of you as he is at the moment or you will end up one day with nothing.

Noodoodle · 28/03/2017 13:54

Sorry OP, he's not treating you like a partner at all. So what if you're pending everything daily and he's saving for a home for you're short if money after providing for his child he shouldn't be leaving you short.

Go to your local council website and register for the housing register (are you in UK?) Do it as yourself, but you can put his name down as wanting to move with you and dc. He doesn't have to be joint tenant. And it will make no difference down the line IF you get somewhere and he doesn't want to move in.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 14:02

noodoodle I've been looking but can't seem to find how to register other can going to a council office

OP posts:

BeachyKeen · 28/03/2017 14:09

In the meantime, how about a switch, and he pays for everything while you build up your share of savings to match what he has put away in his own name.
Only fair

MumW · 28/03/2017 14:13

Are the house savings going into a joint account?

They really should as you are contributing to the household by buying the baby items and by looking after the baby etc.

Your arrangement that he saves and you spend is only valid if the saved money goes into a joint account otherwise you are just being taken advantage of.

Hope you manage to sort things out.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 14:57

His savings go into his bank account in his name. I've just registered on a housing list

OP posts:

Silverdream · 28/03/2017 15:06

Until it's sorted one way or another can you tell him that you each put half the savings in and pay half the living costs. He can't argue with it just say from next month that's what's happening. Also keep bills for everyday stuff food, clothes etc bank statements. All this shows that you have spent proportionately more than him. If you split you can use that to get some of the savings but it's important to alter how you save now.
It's not worth arguing about - for who - him that's who - because he's on a win win situation at the moment. Couples argue everyone does. It's false to not occasionally.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 15:12

I can't argue with him in his parents house, I'm outnumbered. And even if he's wrong he's not the one that will feel awkward or uncomfortable. For now I think it's best to keep the peace, and just ask for a bit more financial help

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 15:29

You probably need to get OUT of there OP. If you want to say what county you live in, we will help you get the details for your housing association or council.

He's taking the piss. All your money getting spent and his in his account?? Does NOT bode well for the future!

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 15:32

I come under the Canterbury council.. they only option on the website was "apply for council housing" no mention of association. I hear association is a lot cheaper? If someone knows the difference and could explain it to me that would be a great help! I've applied for council housing so do I need to apply somewhere else for association?

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 15:36

Have you been here?

www.kenthomechoice.org.uk/choice/

TitaniasCloset · 28/03/2017 15:37

You can be put on a long waiting list for housing sweetie. You might need to be living in a hostel before they house you too. You really need to have a face to face chat with someone from the housing.

wannabestressfree · 28/03/2017 16:07

No you go on the waiting list and are given a band (priority) depending on circumstances. You then 'bid' for homes available in your area on kenthomechoice. These will include housing association as well as council.

I applied and heard about three weeks after about my banding and was given the details to bid.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:08

jonesy yeah that's where I applied

titanias I thought that might be the case. But will they not tell me if I've applied that's all I can do?

OP posts:

Tapandgo · 28/03/2017 16:09

You need to get 'his' savings into a joint bank account before you move on. Surely the savings must belong to both of you as all the things you are paying for are for the benefit of both of you.
Your current financial arrangement is leaving you very vulnerable.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:11

Yeah I'd heard about that wannabe so I should hear in a few weeks what band I'm in? I wondered how I found that out.
But then what happens about me paying Rent? When I go back to work next month I think it's only about 14 hours a week unless I go full time (not worth it)

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 16:12

Christine, whilst you're living with your partner's parents, you're very low on their priorities. You're housed. They see you as no risk at all.

You need to either....move out to live with friends or go home to some family.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:14

jonesy that would be better but I don't have any friends and was kicked out of my family home

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 16:25

Are you planning to stay with your partner? Because it will be very, very unlikely that you will get a council or association house whilst you're securely housed where you are...with or without him. They will put you in a very low or lowest band.

Rollonbedtime7pm · 28/03/2017 16:26

I know it's slightly off topic but I cannot read any more threads about women who are skint while their "D" H is swanning about pocketing hundreds of pounds in 'spending money'

You're married, you have a child, how many more reasons to people need to just pool their finances and share everything?!

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