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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where are we going to live?

50 replies

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 12:57

I can't find a housing section or anything that I feel applies so posting here.
I'm feeling really stuck and worried, me and my partner are currently living with his family with our daughter while we save to buy a house. I'm currently on maternity leave with a month before I'm due back to work so all the savings are his & anything that I make when I go back to work part time will go towards our baby/shopping/ car insurance, general stuff as OH doesn't tend to contribute to that. I think in his head he justifies if he's saving money for a house I should pay for everything else. But anyway that's another argument. Currently we have nowhere else to go but here, I'm grateful for his family helping us but il never feel at home here and it doesn't help that me and OH don't have the best relationship. I feel like he sees me more as his friend and feel alone in raising and caring for our child. Because we don't have a stable relationship I don't want us to break up somewhere down the line and all the savings be his and I'm left with no money and nowhere to go. So I need to know if there's something I can do in regards to putting my name on a list or registering with a housing association or something so I have a back up plan.
I feel like there's nothing I can do and I'm sure it sounds silly to people as it's not an emergency accommodation situation and I don't want to make a big thing over it or offend his family by leaving with DD as its not a violent relationship or anything it's just that I can't see it lasting and worry for my daughter if we have nowhere to go.

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 16:29

Rolling she's not married. She says quite clearly he's her partner and rather than sticking confused faces on here, try to be more understanding....some people don't realise what they've got into in situations like this..

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:30

jonesy I don't know. I don't want to not be with him but I also don't want him to be the way he is. So as much as it'd be easier to be naive, I have to be practical so have filled out the forms for just me and my daughter to move. I know it'll take a while which is even more reason to look into somewhere for just me and her as I'm not sure how much longer we'll last

OP posts:

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:32

Thank you jonesy, no I'm not married and believe me I wouldn't have chosen this situation for myself but it's where I am. When I've pulled him up on the money situation in the past he's got shitty and offended, sent me £100 and then we're back to square one and it's forgotten.

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 28/03/2017 16:33

Even if you just put you and your daughter on the form, the same will apply...you're housed currently so you will be a very low band.

The only way to hurry things up would be to get your partner's family to tell the housing that you have to leave.

Or to just leave and turn up at the housing office and tell them you've ended your relationship and as a result of that, can't stay at your partners parents any longer.

BOth will obviously be difficult things to do with a baby but you need to do something.

In your shoes I would refuse to allow him to not give you his share of the daily expenses and if he sticks to his guns and won't pay his share, then I'd be gone. Packed and out.

You would get temp accomodation of some sort and eventually a flat or house.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:38

Maybe it's just me trying to convince myself everything's okay but I'd rather be here and unhappy whilst I wait than in a hostel or some type of emergency accommodation, I just don't feel I could justify that. Say I leave here and go to a hostel.. and everyone asks "why are you there" "coz he didn't help me pay for stuff" or "he wasn't loving or helpful".
I know all your suggestions are trying to help and I'm really grateful I just don't want to make a drastic decision because I'm feeling unappreciated/alone.

OP posts:

Rollonbedtime7pm · 28/03/2017 16:42

OK apologies - but they do have a child together so the principles should be the same.

Sorry it just comes up time and again and I can't get my head around a husband or partner leaving their other half to struggle because they don't have enough of "their own" money when they are meant to be a family.

OP, I hope you get sorted and I really wouldn't worry about your reasons if you leave - if they are good enough for you then they are enough.

Original poster

Christinedonna · 28/03/2017 16:47

That's the thing though, I completely agree with you! Couples should be a team. He's my partner so we should be together in everything we do, it should be our money but it's not and I can't talk for him but for me we don't feel like a couple. I wouldn't feel comfortable saying "can you pay for this" or "can I have some money for" or seeing as it's our money "I need some money for" that would NEVER come out of my mouth because seriously that would feel the same to me as asking someone in Tesco to pay for my shopping. When I reference him and say my partner I feel like I'm lying to people, I feel like saying "my roommate" or "the man I live with"

OP posts:

plimsolls · 28/03/2017 16:49

Why are you with him?

(I don't mean that to be a leading question or a judgement, it's just I can't see any reason that he's a good partner for you from what you've written).

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/03/2017 16:49

You really can't be in a relationship where you can't raise important issues for fear of an argument. How on earth will this last long term? Will you have to always agree to him?

Present it to him
Savings in a joint account
Bills split between you
Or you will separate

Don't negotiate, don't get too drawn into arguments, keep repeating that

If his parents try to argue his side, say it is between you two only, and don't respond to them. Leave the conversation if they carry on and say you'll come back when you can talk to your partner only

Or just separate without an Ultimation, he sounds really selfish

Is he self employed or employed?
Self employed can make collecting enough child support tricky if you do separate

TrueBlueYorkshire · 28/03/2017 16:50

If your not married then if he leaves you wont be able to claim for anything.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/03/2017 16:54

Say I leave here and go to a hostel.. and everyone asks "why are you there" "coz he didn't help me pay for stuff" or "he wasn't loving or helpful".

"Because my ex wouldn't support us. I'm better off single"

Or even just

"Because we split up"

You don't have to justify to others. If you think the best thing is to split then you can do that, even if everybody else disagrees. You can make your own decisions.

Vegansnake · 28/03/2017 16:55

Tell you have made an appointment at the bank to put the savings in to a join bank account..if he refuses to do this you have yr answer

Vegansnake · 28/03/2017 16:56

Also,with savings in his name only,I bet that means the mortgage goes in his name only as well...this is not good xx

Eliza9917 · 28/03/2017 16:57

You have a child, how is it his money/your money? It should be 'our' money????

0SometimesIWonder · 28/03/2017 17:08

*You really can't be in a relationship where you can't raise important issues for fear of an argument. How on earth will this last long term? Will you have to always agree to him?

Present it to him
Savings in a joint account
Bills split between you
Or you will separate

Don't negotiate, don't get too drawn into arguments, keep repeating that

Or just separate without an Ultimation, he sounds really selfish

Is he self employed or employed?
Self employed can make collecting enough child support tricky if you do separate*

Christine, this is good advice.

Dagnabit · 28/03/2017 17:16

What pp's have said is correct, if you have somewhere to live then you won't be a priority for rehousing. You would need to present yourself as homeless to your council and they would find you temporary accommodation while they sort out the details and/or until a suitable property becomes available. You would also need advice on what benefits you can claim - if you carry on working, you can claim partial or full housing benefit (or Universal Credit equivalent depending on area). It would be a scary uncertain time but you would get settled eventually.

In the first instance though, as you're uncertain about your feelings, talk to your partner. Outline your worries, see how he feels about it all. He may want out but thinks he might lose his daughter/look like a shit. You may be able to work this out but you cannot carry on like this - you need more security for both yourself and your dd.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 17:31

So he doesn't talk to you or spend time with you, he doesn't pay for anything, and he gangs up with his parents against you? If you don't mind me asking - why are you with this guy?

Perhaps LTB, pack some things, go to the housing office and tell them you're homeless (you've already said you can't see the relationship working out). You have a young child, so they'll give you emergency accommodation 'till they can find you something. That would be the quickest and easiest route. Apply for whatever benefits you can, and oh, and make him pay child maintenance!

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 17:36

and everyone asks "why are you there" "coz he didn't help me pay for stuff" or "he wasn't loving or helpful".

No OP, this is financial abuse, with probably a bit of emotional abuse thrown in for good measure. And it probably won't get better .

BeachyKeen · 28/03/2017 19:30

Don't worry about what anyone else says about you. Don't worry what anyone else thinks about you. You dont have to justify yourself. The best thing you can do is show your child and yourself that you care.
Care enough to act. Enduring a shit situation and raising a child in that stress does not one any favors and delays you actually moving on.

Atenco · 28/03/2017 19:37

This man is being financially abusive and I wonder if he has anything to do with your not having friends and having fought with your family.

I think you need to take the long view, Christine. Take this as a temporary situation and prepare for getting your own place. Think about what you will need for that to come about. Start getting those things in place.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 19:49

He's abusive. I'd rather go into a hostel with my daughter than stay with him.

TitaniasCloset · 28/03/2017 19:54

I think you should leave Christine. This is not a relationship.

Noodoodle · 30/03/2017 10:48

Christine I don't know how the housing works for kent, but for parts of london there is a website for social housing that covers council AND housing association properties. If your one doesn't have something like that then generally you need to approach housing associations separately, just google what's in your area and them enail or phone them to enquire.

But be aware it's not a quick process, just something to maybe help at some point and keep on the back burner. Most places give more priority for overcrowding, working people, disability, medical conditions, downsizing, and military personnel (not in that order).

For now I think other pp have advised well, you need to speak to him and really try and get through to him about how things are. I agree with you about the hostel situation, if it's not "that bad" and you can cope in the meantime why put yourself there, but coping can be hard so it's really your choice to consider.

Chocolatecake12 · 30/03/2017 11:25

I really feel for you.
You have made the first step in preparing for the future - well done. It will be a long process I am sure but there's loads of support on here for you. Keep posting!

Isetan · 30/03/2017 12:06

You've sleep walked yourself into a vulnerable situation and it really is time you woke up. The person you call DP should pay towards the up keep of his child and it is no way the same as asking a random in the supermarket, you do realise if you split he would legally be forced to contribute. At present he is maximising his savings at you and his child's expense. As long as you remain unmarried, you have no legal claim over his savings or the property it may buy. There is no guarantee (less so given his attitude) that it will all work out in the end and given how cushy he has it now, he could be 'saving' for a very long time which means you could be staying with his parents for much longer than your sanity can take.

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