Who is being unreasonable – home ownership, inheritance and children from previous relationships

[Lotalota]

I have namechanged for this as I have some potentially identifying posts on here and want to keep this private.

DP and I have been together for 4 years. He has two DDs from a previous relationship. Him and his ex own a house together which they agreed to keep hold of until the youngest leaves primary school as it was just up the road and now the time has come to sell it.

He wants to buy house with me when he sells his house with his ex. As he lives in an expensive area of London where his DC will remain (his ex is wealthier than him) he can not afford to buy there alone and needs my salary in order to get a large enough mortgage. However, when talking about it he says that he would like to leave his share to his children and will not discuss having a clause that would allow me to remain there in the event of his death. I don’t have a problem with not inheriting from him but this does mean that if anything happened to him I would be out on my ear and I don’t fancy losing him and my home at the same time.

As a single person who has not owned a house before I qualify for a government scheme which would enable to part own a house with the share to buy scheme. Although this would not be as good as an investment opportunity it would mean that my home was secure no matter what happened to him. It would have to be in an area not as close to his DC as I can’t afford to do this there and there are no flats on the scheme available there.

I am not sure if this is relevant or not but I feel it may be. DP has always been financially secure. His parents are comfortably off and own two properties in expensive outright which he will one day inherit (he has one sister to share this with). He has always had very well paid jobs and is a just that bit older than me so was able to buy a house in an expensive area of London before houseprices went crazy. In contrasts my parents house was repossessed when I was 21 . I am now 34 and have saved up a small amount on my own but am not set to inherit anything. My pay is OK now but nowhere near his at my age.

He thinks I am being selfish and that he sure his children wouldn’t kick me out but I am not prepared to invest all I have and all I am ever likely to have in a property that isn’t secure. I am more concerned with security than making a profit.

To be clear I don’t think he is being unreasonable to put his DDs interests first but I think he is unreasonable to expect me to invest in a home that I would be forced to leave if he died when I have the option not to. He thinks that I am being selfish and that my refusal to buy with him on his terms is me stopping him living near his children.

Who is the unreasonable one here?

Hmm, well in your DP's shoes, I wouldn't be keen on the lifetime thing. You are 34 now. His youngest is 11. If he died next year, and you lived until you were 85, then it would be 50 years from now before his kids inherited. So the youngest would be early 60's! Much better to write a clause in the will saying that the kids can't force a sale until say 3 years after his death.

Can't you just take out a life insurance policy that has a payout of 1.5 times the property value? So, if the house is worth £500k, take out a policy that pays out £750k on his death. You use £500k to pay of the mortgage and give £250k to the kids for their "half".

Carolinesbeanies I couldn't disagree with you more. YANBU OP, I'm glad to see you have decided against buying with him. He is all very self obsessed isn't he. As for your relationship, only you can decide. However based on the house thing, I wouldn't be relying too much on him for anything you may need.

He thinks I am being selfish

He thinks you are being selfish? Has he not thought, seriously, about what it would be like to be in your shoes should he die and his children insist on your home being sold immediately in order that they receive their inheritance? Because to me it sounds as if he is thinking only of himself. He needs your contribution now to be able to afford to buy in the area he wants to live in. You would be the one taking all the risks here, when it's not even you insisting on this area.

The thing is, it's not just about his kids and their wishes. Even if you and he trusted them not to force you out of your home until your death then you need to add in different scenarios - if they own a part of a house without any legal thing saying "you can't have this now" then what happens if they need to claim benefits? Or get divorced? They need a clear, legal will that says when their Dad dies his half of the house either goes to you or goes to them with a lifetime interest to you. Anything else is madness on your part to buy with him.

Out of interest what does he think should happen to your half? Does it go to him?

Also the age thing is a red herring - most people have to wait until the death of a second parent to inherit. This isn't that different.

What would happen to your half if you die first?

If you decided to leave it to a family member, or charity would he be forced to sell? How does he feel about this (or is he secure in the knowledge that he would inherit your half?)

Please do not enter into this arrangement with him, he is not looking out for you, you need to protect yourself.

It is not your fault he wants to live in an area he can't afford.

Lalarya was just going to say the same. His DC might be lovely, but what if their future partners are not? They may be put under pressure from them to turf you out and sell the house to get the proceeds for their future family, no matter what they might have agreed to while their Dad was alive. Also, if they get divorced will their share be seen as 'joint assets' so the house might have to be sold to pay off the spouse? You do need professional advice on this.

I think it is a bit different, unless your parent's partner/spouse is like a parent to you. My MIL died and FIL has a new partner, she has a life interest in their joint house (as does he). When FIL dies I doubt that his children will maintain a relationship with his partner (she's perfectly nice, but they are not at all close). The asset will remain with her in every way until she dies (in their case not an issue as they are all independent adults and FIL and partner are similarly old/unwell) and she has no obligation to think of them in her decision making. That's really not the same as a parental relationship, where if one of the children needed help I am sure it would be given (house sold, home opened etc).

Now in the OP's case it's complicated by the children having other potential assets, and maybe they really won't need a share of their dad's home too, but I would expect most parents to think of their minor children first and foremost. A good advisor should be able to find a middle way or at least give the OP and her DP some other options to consider. How the DP reacts to that will give the OP more of an idea as to how reasonable he is being.

Wills can always be changed without anyone else knowing....

I really wouldn't buy with him unless he agrees to a life interest in his share.

For what it's worth, I am buying my house with significant financial help from my dad. My Will will state leave my house to my nephew (my dad's grandchild) unless I have children (am infertile but adopting hopefully).

DH is contributing nothing financially to the purchase of the house and will not be on the mortgage or the deeds. I am not leaving the house to him as I don't want it to be left to his daughter (my DSD) as she will inherit from the house her parents purchased together before she was born. My parents are helping me so it's only right the house goes to their descendants (so my nephew or future children).

DH is happy with this because he understands the reasons behind it, but mainly because above all else, my Will will state that he has a life interest.

I want the house to go to my parents descendants (DSD will inherit from me financially, just not the house) but I love my husband and do not want him to be homeless if anything happens to me. That's the key part. And if your DP will not protect you in these circumstances, he does not love you or care about what happens to you after he is gone.

I think that because he's always been secure he isn't too fussed about me leaving my half to family. I think he assumes, probably rightly in his case, that he could sell it and buy something elsewhere.