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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable – home ownership, inheritance and children from previous relationships

110 replies

Lotalota · 27/03/2017 18:13

I have namechanged for this as I have some potentially identifying posts on here and want to keep this private.

DP and I have been together for 4 years. He has two DDs from a previous relationship. Him and his ex own a house together which they agreed to keep hold of until the youngest leaves primary school as it was just up the road and now the time has come to sell it.

He wants to buy house with me when he sells his house with his ex. As he lives in an expensive area of London where his DC will remain (his ex is wealthier than him) he can not afford to buy there alone and needs my salary in order to get a large enough mortgage. However, when talking about it he says that he would like to leave his share to his children and will not discuss having a clause that would allow me to remain there in the event of his death. I don’t have a problem with not inheriting from him but this does mean that if anything happened to him I would be out on my ear and I don’t fancy losing him and my home at the same time.

As a single person who has not owned a house before I qualify for a government scheme which would enable to part own a house with the share to buy scheme. Although this would not be as good as an investment opportunity it would mean that my home was secure no matter what happened to him. It would have to be in an area not as close to his DC as I can’t afford to do this there and there are no flats on the scheme available there.

I am not sure if this is relevant or not but I feel it may be. DP has always been financially secure. His parents are comfortably off and own two properties in expensive outright which he will one day inherit (he has one sister to share this with). He has always had very well paid jobs and is a just that bit older than me so was able to buy a house in an expensive area of London before houseprices went crazy. In contrasts my parents house was repossessed when I was 21 . I am now 34 and have saved up a small amount on my own but am not set to inherit anything. My pay is OK now but nowhere near his at my age.

He thinks I am being selfish and that he sure his children wouldn’t kick me out but I am not prepared to invest all I have and all I am ever likely to have in a property that isn’t secure. I am more concerned with security than making a profit.

To be clear I don’t think he is being unreasonable to put his DDs interests first but I think he is unreasonable to expect me to invest in a home that I would be forced to leave if he died when I have the option not to. He thinks that I am being selfish and that my refusal to buy with him on his terms is me stopping him living near his children.

Who is the unreasonable one here?

OP posts:
AnotherDayHasGone · 27/03/2017 19:19

Tennents in common does not give the OP any more rights than if she bought with a friend. His children can easily go to court and force a sale which would be awful when grieving. That is what make me think he just sees you more as a financial gain with an added relationship because if you cared about your DP the thought that they may be forced to sell up when grieving for you is just bloody awful.

twattymctwatterson · 27/03/2017 19:28

What happens to your share if you die first op? If I were you I'd be discussing with him who would be able to turf him out in the event of your death

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2017 19:33

However, when talking about it he says that he would like to leave his share to his children

Fair enough - although this would need to be drafted carefully if he intends to have more children with you. Would he expect you to leave your half to your (ie your and his) children so he can leave his half to your stepchildren? Or, more reasonably, does he leave his half equally to all his children (including any which haven't been born at the date of the will) and you leave yours to all yours (ditto)? Or if you don't have children together, who does he think will be your legatee?

and will not discuss having a clause that would allow me to remain there in the event of his death.

Twat.

isadoradancing123 · 27/03/2017 19:38

He is totally unreasonable. Do not do it

dahliaaa · 27/03/2017 19:47

Gatehouse I don't think that's right re tenants in common. You have to specifically put in place a clause to say that the other person can stay until their death.

AntiHop · 27/03/2017 20:00

Yadnbu. He is bvvvvu. You deserve to be secure in your own home.

What if you have kids together? Even if you don't plan to, accidents happen! What if he dies when your children are under 18? Or young adults and living at home whilst they're studying or starting their careers?

Original poster
Lotalota · 27/03/2017 20:27

We won't be having children together. I am unable to and I don't want to discuss that here.

I think that if I died first he's more likely to be in a position to buy me out or at least but somewhere else as he has more security.

I'm not buying anywhere with him on his terms that's for sure. As for the relationship I need to think about it. I've always admired the way he puts his kids first but I'm not prepared to sacrifice my own security for them.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 27/03/2017 20:34

Good plan OP.
Don't do something you will bitterly regret later on in life. But your own house on your own terms

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2017 20:37

I'm sorry for bringing up your theoretical children: it certainly wasn't my intent to pry or upset you.

Who would you leave your estate to?

ChipmunkSundays · 27/03/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTwix · 27/03/2017 20:46

You need to be very careful, which it sounds like you are. I'm not in quite the same situation, but may be in the future. DH and I have talked about it and making sure I get to stay in my home if he dies first, and making sure everyone gets their fair share after who every dies second. I don't have children except step.

If he doesn't budge on you staying in your home, then you should consider buying without him.

Original poster
Lotalota · 27/03/2017 20:46

That's ok, you weren't to know mrshathaway

To be honest I hasn't really thought about who I'd leave stuff til now. Probably my sister and nephew.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/03/2017 20:49

ChipmuckSundays speaks sense - putting the DCs before himself = admirable. Putting the DCs and his wishes before your security and expecting you to suffer for them, not so much.

I wouldn't buy with him under those terms. Your security has to be considered. Baring in mind, it might not be up to the DSC to decide if you are kicked out - if they are under 18, his exW might be the one you are dealing with, how likely is it that she'll put your need not to be dealing with losing your home as well as your DP above her children getting their inheritance?

MrsHathaway · 27/03/2017 20:49

That sounds fair enough. Has he thought through what would happen if you predeceased him and sister and nephew wanted him out? Perhaps he needs some plain speaking.

RandomMess · 27/03/2017 20:52

There is a mid ground between you having life interest in the property and having to sell immediately. I'm sure you can specify a term of a number of years after which you would have to sell up however if you had 5 years from his death that gives you time to recover from the grief to make plans and decisions before moving on, I think 10 years wouldn't be unreasonable tbh.

AnotherDayHasGone · 27/03/2017 21:01

RandomMess I would disagree with a time being specified if I was the OP. You don't just invest an X financial amount into a house, you invest so much more. Why else would you continue to pay the mortgage, decorate etc to be forced to sell your home just so your DP children can get their hands on some cash. It's will be the OPs home not just a bloody financial investment for someone else to cash in.

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 27/03/2017 21:07

Tell him you will be leaving your half of the house to your sister and nephew under the same conditions then. Let's see how fair he considers it when it could be him forced to sell the house!

Gatehouse77 · 27/03/2017 21:20

dahliaaa you're right about a clause to specifically allow them to stay but tenants in common can only sell the property if they are both/all in agreement.

CatchIt · 27/03/2017 21:21

^^ This. How would he feel if the tables were turned?

He is not bu for thinking of his children. He is bvu for not thinking about you.

As a side note, it is very important that you keep your will up to date, especially if you do buy a house. With or without your partner.

ChristopherWren · 27/03/2017 22:22

I have stepchildren and we own a house together. I don't know the correct legal term but we are joint tenants, i.e., we both own the home so if he dies it becomes mine and vice versa. His children have been most of his money and I would imagine will inherit their mother's home at some point.
Realistically I probably couldn't afford to live in our house on only my income as I don't earn much but at least I have the security of knowing I have a home and the equity would be mine if I move to somewhere smaller.
I have in turn (assuming he dies first) left 2/3 of my estate to his children.

I think your partner is being very unfair. You are his family too. Don't accept this.

StripeyDeckchair · 27/03/2017 23:15

He is BU
Always protect yourself, your security and your future.
If he isn't prepared to do this then go ahead and buy a shared ownership flat alone.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/03/2017 02:29

DP has always been financially secure. His parents are comfortably off and own two properties in expensive outright

Tell him to get his parents to hand over/sell one of the properties to enable him to live near his kids.....i mean, how incredibly selfish of them all to refuse to sell their own assets to provide for their own family!

He sounds very entitled and self centred.
Also rather manipulative and cunning.
He's had everything handed to him on a plate his whole life, he's never had to scrimp and save nor will he ever have to.
His whole future is secure financially.....and he doesn't really give a shit about yours.
Doesn't want to touch his own inheritance but wants to use all YOUR resources!

It's almost as if he thinks your 'child-free' situation means that you 'don't need' that kind of security or assets Hmm

i suggest you go ahead and buy on your own in your name only....and never let a man onto your mortgage/deeds.
Also look into making a Living Will so if the unexpected happens to you, all your earthly possessions are distributed as intended.

Oh....and dump him. He just wants to leech off you whilst keeping his own finances safely out of anyones reach.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 28/03/2017 03:01

A bit different, but my grandfather remarried after my grandma passed away. He owned his home outright already when my step grandma moved in.

He passed away a few years ago and left the house and all his money to my dad and my Aunty, on the condition that my step grandma was to live there until she passed away, rent free, paying her own bills, and my dad and his sister pay for any maintenance that needed doing.

I wouldnt agree to DP's terms OP

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2017 03:14

"he says that he would like to leave his share to his children and will not discuss having a clause that would allow me to remain there in the event of his death."
"He thinks I am being selfish and that he sure his children wouldn’t kick me out "
Do NOT buy a property with this man. The fact that he will not even discuss the matter is extremely troubling. And if he were really sure his children wouldn't kick you out, it would be no skin off their noses for that to be formalised in his will. Which means he's pretty sure they would, but as he'll be dead hee won't care about it. Or about you Sad.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/03/2017 03:24

He should leave his share to you and get life insurance to cover the amount he would like to leave his children.

I wouldn't do that personally.

To be honest I hasn't really thought about who I'd leave stuff til now. Probably my sister and nephew.

Then you have to think about that too. It works both ways. They could turf your DH out if you were to die first.