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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried about Dsis behaviour?

53 replies

ConfusedLlama · 27/03/2017 09:40

Honestly just need some advice on whether my judgement is being clouded here.

Last year, my partner and I found out our baby had a 0% survival chance at our 12 week scan, our families were a huge support and honestly I don't think we would have coped as well as we did had it not been for them.

My DSis announced she was pregnant around 6 weeks ago, I was over the moon for her as she's been TTC for around 8 months and I knew it was getting her quite down. I should explain she has an ongoing illness that makes it very hard to conceive and could also effect the pregnancy.

Throughout this I've tried hard to be supportive and excited with her, despite finding it quite hard, giving her advice where asked but I've also tried to be the voice of reason as she's quite prone to go from 0 to 100 in no time. I reiterated several times that she should wait until the 12 week scan before doing anything to drastic (i.e move house, buy clothes, furniture etc.) and have had the answer that she's being extra cautious until the scan as she has been placed as a high risk pregnancy.

Yesterday in casual conversation she tells me They've painted the nursery and bought the cot, the changing unit, a wardrobe and a few other bits and pieces. This is at 11 weeks. I went a bit quiet on the phone as I just didn't know what to say, I don't want to burst their bubble but I also can't help feeling it's way too soon, all the what ifs are floating around my head.

What if they do get bad news and they have to come back to a house with a room that's all set up for a baby? Obviously, I wouldn't want that for anyone but I just feel like they haven't considered that despite knowing that it can happen to anyone.

I'm also confused my my DM's behaviour, as a someone who has suffered a MC and knows that things can go wrong, who seems to be actively encouraging this by buying her baby clothes and blankets.

I'm unsure whether I should say something or whether I'm letting what happened to me cloud my judgement and that this is perfectly normal?

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 27/03/2017 12:26

I had a miscarriage. And like the poster above i decided to embrace the next pregnancy as all i had was a mothercare catalogue. I mc that baby too. But the weeks when we were planning were joyous ones and i treasure those memories. Both mcs were as painful. Having a room to come back to was as hard as being devastated and just having a catalogue. Don't deny her the joy.

diddl · 27/03/2017 12:38

" It's not OPs place to tell DS to wait."

I agree-I put that in my other post.

As you say it's a personal choice-what I was trying to convey is that I don't think that it's necessarily "unhealthy" or non excitement to wait until after the 12wk scan-just choice.

Morphene · 27/03/2017 13:05

I don't think you can ever prepare for the worst...not really. You certainly can't understand how it feels to others who have already been there.

I told a few people when I got a BFP and one of them told me not to get too attached to the idea until later on, which I thought I acknowledged and did indeed calm down. I MCed and I don't think it helped to be constantly thinking 'oh, they were right, I was wrong'. But I also don't think I would have felt any less sad if no one had known I had ever been pregnant either. In fact it was nice to have a few people know what I was going through.

So your warnings fall on deaf ears, and really all you can do from here is diffuse in advance if possible, and future 'I told you so' feeling that might arise. (I KNOW you won't be saying that, but your Dsis might be hearing it, if the worst happens).

Italwaysworksitselfout · 27/03/2017 13:33

I totally get where you're coming from op but it's your dsis choice on how she plans this pregnancy. After 6 mcs and being told 6 years ago that I wouldn't be able to concieve due to severe endometriosis I am 31 weeks pregnant. I have just managed to bring myself to gather things for the baby and bought the pram at the weekend. Some people can't understand why I've not got everything ready yet but I just can't bring myself to.
for you and I hope you feel better about things soon

bigmac4me · 27/03/2017 13:41

I spent 11 years undergoing unsuccessful intertility treatment, becoming pregnant once but later miscarrying. When I look back on that time I do wish I had gone through the happiness of making plans/buying things. Even though it would have ended in heartbreak I still wish for those times, maybe buying something with my husband, or making some positive and excited plans together. It is the one thing I would change if I could. I wish, I so wish, I had a positive memory from that time. The worst thing is to look back and realise there were no happy times at all during that time,just an emptiness with no happy memories at all. So actually I am with your sister totally, and wish her (and you) all the best.

(I realise most people will not think like me, but that is honestly and sincerely what I believe).

Original poster

ConfusedLlama · 27/03/2017 13:58

When I said I'd said several times not to do anything drastic it wasn't put in a way that was followed by "incase it doesn't go well". I tried to go down the route of you don't want to stress yourself out too much all at once.

I'll be the first to admit I have struggled with hearing all about her pregnancy but have tried to be supportive and encouraging. I genuinely hadn't thought that this could be her way of coping with knowing she has a high risk pregnancy, which would make sense. We are quite close and always have been just this weekend took me by surprise.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedLlama · 27/03/2017 15:26

Sorry it's me again.

I've just had an update,her scan has revealed that she is actually 9 weeks so not a far gone as originally thought. I asked her if everything was ok? Mixed in with other things such as have they booked you in for another scan and whats the new due date. She replied that the baby had moved during the scan so it must be fine...I'm really sorry, I know you've all said to just let her deal with it in her own way and I'm really trying to not let my experience cloud hers. Movement doesn't necessarily mean everything is ok, I of course have not said this to her, but it's starting to really worry me.

I feel like I need someone to pat me on the head and tell me she's going to be absolutely fine.

OP posts:

TheOnlyColditz · 27/03/2017 16:02

Oh my god leave her alone.

You are absolutely overinvested. This is not your pregnancy. It's hers.

Wando1986 · 27/03/2017 16:09

We were ttc for over a decade. I had pretty much everything ready for the baby by the 12wk scan.

Why? Because I wanted to.

If anything, I wanted that experience because if the baby didn't survive then that would have been taken from me too. It was something I could control. The only thing really.

It's none of your business, ultimately. Let them be happy and enjoy it even if there's a chance it may only last a short while.

Wando1986 · 27/03/2017 16:11

OP honestly after just reading your update, please shut up. You're being ridiculous. This is her baby and her choice how to deal with the pregnancy. Stay out of it.

Chippednailvarnishing · 27/03/2017 16:15

I think you should consider speaking to someone about your loss.
You aren't your sister and she has a right to do whatever she feels like.

littlehandcuffs · 27/03/2017 16:19

I think maybe you should leave her alone now and get some counceling for your own loss. Your over investment in her pregnancy isnt healthy for either of you.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 27/03/2017 16:22

OP to this outsider it sounds as though you're still struggling to come to terms with your own loss (entirely understandably) and are projecting some of your own unresolved feelings onto your sister's pregnancy.

Take your cue from your sister regarding her pregnancy - be cheerful and excited and enthusiastic with her, regardless of your private thoughts, if that's how she is - and perhaps consider whether you need to take any separate action to help you deal with your sad loss.

Batteriesallgone · 27/03/2017 16:26

As someone who suffers from a illness that makes pregnancy difficult I say YABU. For now she is doing well and able to decorate, perhaps she's doing it early because she knows there's a good chance of needing bed rest later on. I left it til after the 20 week scan with my first - but I was so ill we were pretty poorly prepared when baby actually came. Wish I'd been brave enough to do it earlier. Also if she loses this baby she may well try for another. So it's a nursery for all future children not just this specific one.

Your reaction to her scan is a bit strange and to be honest it sounds like she's withholding information from you because she's worried what you are going to say.

Have you sought counselling for your loss? Might be a good idea.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2017 16:39

Wando
. That was cruel.

Op don't listen to nastiness. Sorry for your loss. I really think you should get some counselling as I think this is very difficult for you and bringing up a lot of pain. I can see you're really worried about your sister but you can't protect her. Please look after yourself.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/03/2017 16:40

Decorating the nursery will not cause her to mc.
Nor will buying furniture.

I doubt having baby things in the house would make her pain worse if she lost the baby.

This stuff about not telling, not buying is based on superstition.

CoolCarrie · 27/03/2017 16:52

YANBU at all, but all you can do is let them continue and help comfort them if things don't work out. You can't change what they have done so far, and I agree it's too soon, but maybe let them enjoy it.

Original poster

ConfusedLlama · 27/03/2017 16:59

Sorry I seemed to cause some controversy which wasn't my intention. As I've said I'm continuing to be positive in conversation with her, the only time I've mentioned anything is to do with my DD to level out the expectations of how a 6 year old will react.

I understand that perhaps my reaction to things isn't normal, no I haven't had counselling as I though i was handling it ok...clearly not. I haven't said any of this too her, other than to tell her not to stress herself out with doing to much at once, nor would I as it's been made VERY clear it's not my place.

I'm worried for her, I'm not wishing bad things on her at all, I'm scared that there's a possibility of something going wrong and she will have to go back to a house with a room ready for a baby and not have a baby to put in it. I know how much she wants this and how long she's waited. I'm just concerned that she was going hell for leather without thinking things through, she has done this with big descisions before.

Thanks for the advice. I've taken it on board.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 17:04

Sorry for your loss. I think your experience has opened your eyes to the fact that not only do up to 20& pregnancies end in miscarriage but that it can happen to you.

But your sister is coming from a place of optimism and hope, just like someone who has never had it happen to them will and clearly has the opinion that there is no point assuming the worse is going to happen.

The fact is something bad can happen at any time - the 12 week mark does not magically make it all better and the fact that she has seen a heartbeat and moving does improve the odds as well. A high risk pregnancy means if she focused on the doom and gloom she would have it throughout the entire thing. Instead she is going down the route of hoping everything is going to be ok. Let her there is nothing wrong with that

diddl · 27/03/2017 17:08

" I'm scared that there's a possibility of something going wrong and she will have to go back to a house with a room ready for a baby and not have a baby to put in it."

She must know this though.

She might be being bright & breezy with you, different with her husband for example.

CoolCarrie · 27/03/2017 17:09

You clearly care deeply for your sister and want to protect her or go though the same feelings and experience that you have suffered. Unfortunately none of us can do that for everyone we love and care about. Take care of yourself and try to let your sister do things her own way.

FatOldBag · 27/03/2017 17:10

You really need to stop all this nonsense and leave her alone to do things her way. You're putting a downer on everything she does and I see you mean well but it's just horrible for her. There's a very good chance everything will be fine for her and a much smaller chance that things will go wrong, so let her prepare for the most likely outcome if that's what she wants to do. Whether or not it's "too early" is absolutely her own decision and nobody else's.

Even if things were to go wrong this pregnancy, she will likely keep trying and have a baby at some point. This is not necessarily her one and only chance of ever having a baby. So having a few bits of clothing, a decorated nursery or collecting some baby bits is perfectly sensible preparation. Some people start doing that before they even ttc, especially if they don't have the budget to buy everything they'll need for a baby in a few month time period. Back right off from being so negative "just in case" and just have a try at sounding supportive. It doesn't take much to come out with "ahh, lovely" when someone pregnant is going on about all the stuff they've got/done.

Zucker · 27/03/2017 17:24

You've got to leave her to it though, even if it all does go horribly wrong it's her experience to have. Nothing you say will properly get your point across to her without causing some level of upset for her. You have said your piece, no more warnings need to be given.

Batteriesallgone · 27/03/2017 17:24

If she often goes hell for leather with big decisions then she should with this one, too.

If the worst happens, coming back to a house with a baby room in it and no baby might not be a bad thing. It makes the pregnancy real, perhaps makes the loss more real to mourn?

I know from my friends who have had pregnancy losses the worst thing is when people make out there was never a baby in the first place, so get over it (not in so many words). If she is secretly terrified of losing her baby too, this might all be part of the mental preparation for that. You never know, all you know is that everyone deals with things differently and she's entitled to deal with this pregnancy however she likes.

podrig · 27/03/2017 21:04

yabvu. Sorry for your loss. Have you had counselling? I consider this 'leakage'.

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