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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a rubbish excuse for cheating?

71 replies

Balletomane25 · 25/03/2017 08:24

About a week or so ago I posted a thread about my issues with DP’s adult DD ever since they all moved into my house. Apparently, none of that matters anymore because I found out that (now ex) DP has been cheating on me with this bloke from her workplace!

When I confronted her about it she at least had the decency to admit to her indiscretions, but following that I got the excuse of “I have only ever been with men before you why can’t you understand that this isn’t easy for me”.

AIBU to think that this is a ridiculous excuse? Surely if she wasn’t comfortable with me she should’ve left after the first night? Why be with me for 4 bloody years? Why decide to move in with me? Has it all been one long, extended game for her?

It hasn't fully sunk in yet but for now all I can think about is whether I did something wrong or why I wasn't good enough for her.

OP posts:
user1490123259 · 25/03/2017 11:26

sending you love and sympathy, you sound like a lovely kind person. I'm sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like your partner has very complicated feelings, but no excuse for deception and betrayal of trust.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2017 11:29

Cheating has no justification. As an adult you can choose to shag somebody else or not, it's all in your control.

Maybe your ex dp was struggling with her sexuality but she has been with you 4 years so should of been able to talk to you instead of jumping in to bed with someone.

Don't let them walk over you now

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 25/03/2017 11:35

Do you really trust her to be in your house unsupervised? I wouldn't.

At the outside she would need a week, and that's really generous. To be quite honest, she could get her shit together and move out this weekend.

(Don't forget to change the locks)

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 25/03/2017 11:46

There are no excuses for cheating, Everyone can control who they willingly hop in to bed with.

She had been with you 4 years, let you meet her dc, moved in with you so presumably wasn't having huge struggles with her sexuality. Even if she was, then it's still no excuse to cheat it's a low thing to do.

If you let them walk over you they will, For Christ sake so home, don't stay in the hotel it's your home and you have done nothing wrong. Yes it's unfortunate the 8 year old will have to move again but your ex dp should of thought about that before jumping in to bed with someone.

Original poster
Balletomane25 · 25/03/2017 12:04

No matter what she did I'm not going to put myself above an 8 year old. What kind of person would that make me?

Yeah I'll probably go back home later on. Though I'm still largely in the "disgusted" phase and I don't know how I'll be able to stand being in some parts of the house.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 25/03/2017 12:08

You did nothing wrong OP. You sound like a thoroughly decent and lovely person.

Fault lies entirely with her. Flowers

ImperialBlether · 25/03/2017 12:13

I think the move will be the same now as it would be in a month's time, OP.

I can't believe she did this, after moving her whole family in with you, too. She's taken advantage of you massively. You need to get really angry with her.

On the other hand, though I'm sorry you're hurt, I didn't think this was a good relationship for you, particularly bearing in mind her daughter. This is a fresh start for you and I'm sure you'll be glad of it later.

Flowers
OVienna · 25/03/2017 12:16

ballet
I read your other thread. Get these people out now. Just do it. No reason is good enough not to. Come back and tell us you have done. I fear the next thread will be: "I have three squatters in my house wwyd?"

BillSykesDog · 25/03/2017 12:17

ballet I remember your last post and that although you're young you have quite a bit of money and own your house outright. I didn't feel comfortable that the mother had moved in despite knowing her daughter was unhappy with the situation and although I didn't say anything at the time I suspected the mother might be so keen on the situation because she saw it as a bit of a meal ticket and the best thing to do. I didn't realise you'd been together for four years. I would question the wisdom of a mother who took up with a much younger 21 year old with a teenager and a small child at home.

I think you have dodged a big bullet. Thank god you hadn't married. She sounds very selfish and I suspect that the roots of the daughter's behaviour probably lie in the mother's

ImperialBlether · 25/03/2017 13:11

The thing is, you're saying "There are three of them..." but it's your home and she's cheated! And her daughter is dreadful.

All that being the case, you need have no loyalty to any of them.

jay55 · 25/03/2017 13:47

She was a female cocklodger. You're amazing for putting the kids first as she hasn't.

VestalVirgin · 25/03/2017 13:49

As no one said it yet ... have you gotten tested for STDs?

The fact that it affects your decision that there are three of them makes me worry. Do you think they'd get violent?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 14:01

My mistake the dd is 20 (I was on your other thread). I understand you feel for her ds. But not to the extent to stay in a hotel or let them stay for weeks. If they've got somewhere to stay, this weekend seems a great time to move out. I really really would reclaim your house. They may try and throw you out if you don't. Don't put it past this woman. She has been the female version of a cocklodger as others pointed out. Go home and tell them you've changed your mind. Seriously, you don't want to have to get them evicted.

MipMipMip · 25/03/2017 14:24

Even if your exDP has no intention of doing anything bad I wouldn't put it past her daughter to trash the place. I'm another who says her them out, although say to the 8yo that you still care about him and hope to stay in contact if he wants to.

HerBluebiro · 25/03/2017 14:32

It is your house. If anyone sleeps on the sofa it is her. The cheat. And she moves out in days.

You are not putting yourself above an I year old. She did that by cheating.

Who she slept with: male or female doesn't matter. She slept with someone else. Any struggles with her sexuality doesn't matter she slept with someone else. You have been together 4 years. This isn't someone you have just met, the straight girl just trying it with women for a bit.

She made choices. She didn't slip and accidentally land on his penis.

And the 8 year old is her responsibility.

Get checked for sods when you are able. You are lower risk but not 0 risk.

PeaFaceMcgee · 25/03/2017 15:27

She had him in your house? The man she was shagging? Get rid, sooner.

Original poster
Balletomane25 · 26/03/2017 08:29

Okay so exDP and the DS went out for their pre-planned outing, I hopped over to the post office to get something, and then I come home to find the DD and her boyfriend chain smoking in my house (both are banned)! Told her in no uncertain terms that she has to move out now, called my neighbour to come back me up, and now she thinks that the computer I bought for my library is hers because she has been using it?!?

Not going to let her have it obviously but holy smokes this is going to be a long day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Balletomane25 · 26/03/2017 08:32

Vestal I haven't even thought of that. Shall get myself checked out ASAP. Sad

Bill You know, the funny thing is if she asked me to marry her a week ago I would've said yes. And I see your point. Call it denial but I'd rather not think that because it's making me feel worse about myself than this whole situation already is.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/03/2017 08:43

Good. I'm glad you have back up from your neighbour. You do need to get them out. They are taking over. Personally I'd pack their bags and leave them at the door, tell the daughter and bf to get out. Otherwise you may find valuables going missing.

EdmundCleverClogs · 26/03/2017 08:46

Balletomane25, this actually somewhat explains the behaviour on the other thread. Sounds like the mother and daughter have a lot in common, it was very sadly inevitable that you would be the one that ended up hurt in all this. Stop being a doormat to these women.

picklemepopcorn · 26/03/2017 08:47

Mmm. I wouldn't be letting DD back in again. She has no respect for you or your home, and no longer has an entitlement to be there. She can go straight to her aunts. I'd pack for her.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/03/2017 08:54

I remember your previous thread. As the DD steals your car and disrespects in your own home I'd not be leaving her there unattended. It should not be you staying in a hotel or sleeping on the sofa! I feel sorry for the 8yo but that's all her doing not yours. I'd get them out today (making sure none of your stuff goes missing!) and get the locks changed first thing in the morning. X

Angryangryyoungwoman · 26/03/2017 08:59

Unfortunately for the eight year old, you are going to have to get tough and quickly. As a pp said, you don't have to be nasty, just firm

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/03/2017 09:21

It sounds like neither the mother nor her daughter have any respect for you. I feel for the 8 YO caught up in the crossfire, however, this isn't of your doing OP.

Invite them to leave. This is your home. You are worth more than the disrespect they have shown you thus far.

Agree with others, get the locks changed.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/03/2017 09:53

DO NOT LET THEM STAY.

Surely if you allow them there for a month they can claim some kind of rights and then begins the long process of eviction.

threaten too ring the police on the daughter, I'm sure she won't want to be arrested for car theft. She will soon bugger off.

With the daughter saying she wants the computer you can't leave the house unguarded now.