MIL lack of praise

[damewithaname]

AIBU about MILs lack of praise with regards to the good I do in raising my children, her grandchildren? We don't have the best relationship and I've continually tried to make it work. Through the years, I've received very little praise from her: no much praise that I'm a good wife and take care of her sons and his interests or that I'm a good mother to her grandchildren. She has always been quick to tell me that I'm controlling and a low life yet I have never done anything to be considered a low life??? I see how the other womend in my family get praised by their MIL and it hurts that mine doesn't say it to me. Anyone else have this? Am I being self centered?

The negative comments aren't on but I'm afraid I'm another who doesn't get the need for praise.

MIL is wonderful and I know she thinks very highly of me, but I don't think she's ever 'praised' me for parenting or being a good wife. i think I'd be a bit if she did.

In what context did she call you a low life? It's an odd thing to say!

My mother in law is the perfect mother Gran to her daughter/granddaughter yet can barely find 2 words for her hard working, high achieving son and lovely grandsons who are kind, hard working, polite, in fact I have bought her the most amazing Mother's Day card it says.... you are the most amazing mum a daughter could ask for.... We won't send it but it made myself and my husband laugh.
She has barely anytime for me but then I'm neither insecure, needy and I work hard...(unlike my SIL who I actually really like ) in my career, my Home and raising my boys. OP, I would take comfort from the fact your family appreciate you.

My MIL is wonderful but she doesnt praise me or say I am doing well, or coping well or a good mother.

But she doesnt ever criticise me either and certainly would never call me a low life.

We had an argument... whereby I said I wasn't happy about certain ongoings (which both my Hubby and I had sat down on previous occasions and spoke nicely to her) and she blurted out while pointing her finger that I'm a low life in front of my kids. Whether it was said in anger, or actually meant but really...who calls another person a low life if you aren't thinking that of them constantly? And the lack of positivity coming from her too...

Firstly anyone who called me a low life would be cut off and not in my life. Don't care who they are they could do one.

Secondly why would praise from a MIL like that (nasty) mean anything to you. I would neither want nor need it.

Please reconsider who you look to for validation as a mean spirited MIL is not the right source.

So, are you supporting her financially and she still calls you a low life? TBH, this is a far greater problem than her lack of praise.

Well, I think as you clearly have strained relations then she is never going to be praising you so I would stop expecting it or being disappointed when you don't get it.

YANBU to be annoyed that she called you a lowlife. Insulting you is obviously not appropriate.

However, I would probably laugh if my MIL praised me for being a good wife.

Thx everyone 😊 Appreciate the comments made.

I've continually tried to make it work

There's your first mistake. Just drop her, it isn't working as she sounds awful.

I'm a good mother to her grandchildren

No, you are a good mother to your children, she just happens to be the mother of their father.

Please don't seek validation from what sounds like a horrible woman. You don't need it. You know if you're doing a good job, let that be enough for you.

I only ever value the feedback and comments I get from people I respect.

The opinion of someone who thought it acceptable to call me a "low life" in front of my kids would be of no concern.

She could tell you you're fabulous, the best mother/wife in the world - but why would it matter? Why would you place any value on the view of someone whose own behaviour is quite vile?

dame, I think you need to realize that she's never going to praise you. And frankly, I'd be more concerned about her insulting you, especially in front of your children. What did your DH say to her when he heard it or when you told him about it?

Does she praise the other one to you, or to them?

My grandmother used to tell me how wonderful and helpful and hardworking some particular cousins were, and one summer I was staying with them and told them. Turns out my grandmother was telling them how wonderful and helpful and hardworking I was!!

I think you titled this thread completely wrongly.

Adults don't praise people whom they also slag off to their faces, do they?

"You're a low-life, but you are a good mother"

"You're controlling, but you are a good wife'

I had a good relationship with my MIL and she did compliment me. If she hadn't it would have been fine.

But you have a crap relationship with yours.

She says it to the other one.

My MIL is lovely, but I wouldn't expect praise of being a good wife or mother, I'd find that quite patronising. My mum sometimes says she's proud of me given how my DC is doing and I find it pretty weird tbh.

If she called me a lowlife I'd probably go pretty low contact and just let her see the DC through DH.

My DH was rather upset and still is. He says he sees that I try to make things work for his sake as well as for the kids. He respects that I don't want to spend time with her personally anymore because of what has happened but like I said, it hurts.

Your MIL seems to be a bitch.

You can't expect compliments from a bitch.

You can't get water from a dry well.

Build up your self-esteem and accept you'll never have a great relationship with her. So long as your kids love you and think you're a great mothers, that's all that really matters.

You're not being self-centred for wishing things were different - of course that would be nice - but don't waste too much time wishing things were different.

It sounds like she owes you an apology!

Perhaps start by praising her when she visits?..

."Well done for not calling me a low life today in front of the children. Your granny skills are improving"

How does your DH get along with his mother these days; he also seems cowed by her. I am wondering if he is also mired in FOG as you are (fear, obligation and guilt).

How are you aware that other MILs praise their DILs?

Your main error of judgment here was in trying to get this relationship to work at all. People like your DHs mother are disordered of thinking (emotionally healthy people do not generally act as his mother has done) and therefore do not play by the "normal" rules of familial relations. Her actions are about power and control.

Why is her approval so important to you?. You really do not need it nor will she give it to you anyway. It also does your children no favours at all to see their nan so disrespect you as their mother.

She did apologise but vaguely so. She walked into the bathroom while I was about to bath my son, said "Sorry, didn't mean to call you a low life" and walked out... but yeah

I used to feel like you do...took me years to realise I wasn't going to get it...what can you do? I had to grow a thick skin

I've been to teas in our family whereby I have heard other MILs speak fondly and positively about my cousins. In our family, everyone even if not related by blood joins in on the family days.