Mother's day, lunch with friends

[SEsofty]

So it's another mother's day one. I know it doesn't mean anything to loads of people but it does to me.

So aibu to be annoyed with dh, and if not, how do I stop myself being cross.

So, dh had been trying to arrange to see friends of his for lunch for weeks and weeks. Last night he announced that we were going to there for lunch on Sunday. He'd checked the calendar and we had nothing on.

Surprised, I said but it's mother's day.

He then says he'll check with his friend in case his wife didn't want to do it. He checked and they are looking forward to having us for lunch.

I feel put out and annoyed as really wanted a fuss made, and I can't complain as they have said it was fine.

It's really pathetic but I feel really upset. Probably because I thought he realised that mother's day is really important to me.

And I think that the general underappreciated wife work and child care is a theme across lots of relationships. And mothers day, birthdays and Christmas etc bring this to the fore.

What about your own Mother? And his?

(apologies in advance if either are no longer with us)

Mother is deceased

Well no child is going to magically start celebrating Mother's Day once they're old enough to use the kettle if they haven't been brought up to do so by another adult = dh getting involved.

He doesn't really get on with his mother, but has sent flowers

Sorry you are feeling undervalued.

Next year write it on the calendar. I've learned the hard way to remind my husband in advance of anything important. He's caring, kind and does appreciate me but he's not good on remembering stuff in advance. So things go in the electronic calendar and I set up alerts for a week or so in advance ;).

This year I'd go and be gracious, but make sure he is driving so you get the sneaky glass of wine "as it's mothers' day". And tell him you are expecting flowers and cards from the kids in the morning. Don't hint, tell.

You "wanted a fuss made"

I'm going out to meet friends on Sunday for a bit of a hike - none of our (admittedly grown up) children or husbands is involved. DS will give me a card, someone will organise the evening meal (I assume - I'm not doing it) & it will be great. No fuss.

Another one here who finds it slightly creepy that so many wives want their husbands to make a fuss of them on Mothers Day, fair enough if kids are young that they help with Breakfast in Bed etc but I expect them to spoil their own mums and not their wives.
When Ds are older, I'd be allergic if their wives insisted Mothers Day was about them, They have birthdays, valentines, anniversary's etc, Mothers Day is mine!!

I'm sorry, but I agree with the others.

I hate the commercialism of mothers day, I also despise the me me me attitude some women seem to have about it.

If my children make me a card I will be over the moon same with a homemade gift. If DP, however, went out and spent money on clichéd crap like flowers, chocolates etc I'd be a bit bemused, and annoyed at wasting money on a non-event.

However, if it is so important to you, let him go to the lunch and go out somewhere for the day with your kids.

Any relationship where you feel undervalued for "wife work" and childcare then how does Mother's Day or a birthday change that? I'd rather have a man like dh that shows me all year he appreciates what I do than make a fuss of me once a year

Mothering Sunday is a good opportunity for our children to do something nice to thank us for all we do for them. It's also a good opportunity for us to thank our own mothers for all they have done for us.

The something nice could be a card, a gift, breakfast in bed, a cuddle and a verbal thank you, a meal out or something more extravagant, depending on the age of the child.

Where is it written that mothers get to be all motherszilla about it and expect the whole day to revolved around them?

Better to think of that day as one to thank or think of your own mother and anything you get from your own children is a bonus.

TBH I would have enjoyed being invited out for lunch because my lot don't make a "thing" out of Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day. I have bought some premium range ready made food for Sunday and will let DD and OH make lunch for me. DD has loads of homework, so if she is short of time I really don't mind doing lunch. I know I won't get a card - DD has already told me so.

OH is irritatingly unexcited about any kind of celebration - birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Mother's/Father's day. As far as he is concerned they are just the same as other days, so I had to remind him to write a card out for his mum, and his sister reminded him to buy some chocolates. Otherwise it would never have occurred to him to do anything. She lives too far away to see her on Sunday.

What kind of fuss did you want?

Mother's Day Your the mother, your children make a fuss of you which you said they will so isn't that Mother's Day happiness?

Does your dh only normally show you he appreciates you on Mother's Day, birthdays normally? If so you might need to address that

I feel put out and annoyed as really wanted a fuss made,

You really need to have a word with yourself!

I would love it if my DP did some of the social planning for once .

It's not a big deal really. If you are generally feeling unappreciated then that is a bigger issue that you need to address with him rather than pinning it on one generic day.

Also as others have probably said, you are not his mother! All I want from Mothers Day is perhaps a cup of tea in bed and maybe a card/bunch of daffs. Some mums are so needy.

While I'm not bothered about Mother's Day myself- already told my adult children a text is fine- I think the fact that OP's mother has passed on is a factor here. Maybe being made a fuss of is a way to help her cope with not having a mother of her own to treat?

I feel put out and annoyed as really wanted a fuss made,

You really need to have a word with yourself!

I disagree, it's with her husband that the OP needs a word. If you want a fuss made, tell the persons involved, they are not mind readers. I would possibly expect my husband to help my younger ones to do something, but nothing from him directly, I am not his mother!
There are no universal rules, just communicate with your partner. If you have told him every single year that you were expecting a very special day and he is ignoring you, then you are not unreasonable. If you haven't, then you are.

I no longer have my darling mum but I don't us that as an excuse to behave badly. OP you have no idea what your DH and DC have planned for you on Sunday, the lunch out might just be part of it. but you really should remember that it's for others to decide to spoil or treat or make a fuss, not for you to demand. Not if you want them to stick around anyway.

Being made a fuss of is one thing.

Wanting a fuss is another. It's a bit much. If it happens, it happens. When your kids are older they don't want to feel obliged to make a fuss of you. Mine are older and I feel touched they want to chat on the day and they send cards and sometimes a gift and I expect nothing. You don't want your kids to feel obliged to do this out of duty.

As far as your DH making a fuss of you... well, OK, if your kids are young, that's OK, but there'll come a point when it isn't as it will be down to your DC to sort it all out with no input from him.

When mine were little I just loved the homemade cards from them and that was it.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all - the point is, regardless of how anyone else on the thread feels about the day, it matters to the OP, and her DH knew that and forgot. You shouldn't forget what matters to someone you love.

It matters to me too - I know I'm loved and valued by DH and my kids, but sometimes you need to have it shown to you especially when, as I suspect is the case for a lot of people, there is fair bit of being taken for granted. So it's nice to have a day where people are effectively just saying thanks.

He hasn't forgotten, he's arranged for them to have lunch out with friends.

How old are your children? Are they coming to the friends house for dinner too? What would you be doing otherwise?

I think you are letting Clintons Cards rule your mood

I agree.

What type of fuss do you actually want.

I think at some point when you're not feeling upset, you should sit down and have a discussion with DH about whether to 'do' mother's/father's day.

Neither DH or I are particularly into either day, and they both clash with family birthdays. So, we've agreed together, that a token word of thanks, and making DD aware of the dates, is all that's needed. We live in the US where MD is the same weekend as my birthday, so I'm already getting presents etc anyway. BUT - that was our joint decision.

So - if DH really doesn't like doing those things, fine. Agree a compromise. Otherwise he just is taking the piss by forgetting about mother's day and then getting some glory on father's day.