To be pissed off with people making it all about them?

[BeaderBird]

I'm so sick of hearing people say things like 'God, I was only on that bridge last Wednesday' and 'Did you know that DS was in London on Monday?'.

It's the same when someone dies. 'Oh no, our DD's best friend from primary school (that she hasn't seen or spoken about for 17 years) has died, it's been a real shock for her.'

Are people really this selfish, attention seeking and self centred?

AIBU?

Oh and OP I remeber finding out a few years a go that a local girl I went to primary school had died in her 20's of a brain haemorraghe. I hadn't seen her since I was 11, but I remembered her clearly because she was always smiling and very funny. It really shocked me, partly because again it made me realise how unfair life can be sometimes, she had hardly any of her life and she was gone. I still think of her every now and then and feel sad. That doesn't make me unreasonable.
One of DS's friends died when they were 7 of cancer. The primary school turned part of the playground wall into a mural for him. That was 10 years ago and sometimes if we walk past it it makes DS upset. Is he be unreasonable or self centred?

I think you're projecting, or just have really narrow minded views.

I think it entirely depends on exactly how the statements are being made tbh.

I think it's a bit attention-seeking, perhaps, if someone goes on and on and on about how it could have been them, endlessly pointing out how lucky they were to have been in a different place than usual that day, or whatever. It also can grate a lot if someone who has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the area or to the event kind of harnesses the event as their own, just because they once went to London on a day trip, or whatever. It's very much about tone though tbh.

On the flipside, I think it's entirely human and a real need for many people to feel the truly human side of this awful event. For example, I cannot stop thinking and thinking about the poor woman who was killed who was off to collect her two girls from school :( :( :( This is probably because I have a duaghter, because I am one of two daughters myself etc... It has really wormed its way into my heart as the most truly heartbreaking thing. So when I was talking about this awful event to a friend yesterday, I did say several times that it could have been any of us. I wasn't trying to appropriate the event or to make my sadness about it any higher than someone who has no children, for example. It's just one element of it that has really distressed me and I feel I need to make some sort of sense of it (stupid of me, actually, as it can't possibly be made sense of, it's too fucking tragic and senseless)

God I forgot about 9/11. we had an office in the second tower and I knew people in both. A colleague was over and her sister was in the Pentagon that day. A distance relative was on the Pennsylvania plane.

YANBU, OP. I have a friend who has to somehow connect herself to everything that happens, be it locally or national news like this is.

She tagged me in a status saying "Thank God it's still two weeks until your holiday [in London] Saxa, so glad you're safe" or something to that effect.

Amongst others I know marking themselves as save.

We live in the North of Scotland ffs.

There's a very big difference between something like that and those who have posted here with a very real connection ie. Loved ones and colleagues who live and work in the area.

Some people do make everything about them. I knew someone at school and it was always "My nan's next door neighbour's cousin went to school with someone whose dog had puppies and one of those puppies went to dog obedience classes with another dog whose owner lived for a time in the same flat block as someone whose aunt worked with someone who was there..."

But I think for me, it does bring it closer to home when you look and know a place. I didn't feel particularly effected by 7/7 because we didn't go to London much and I didn't really recognise the places; they were just names to me.
We now go to London quite frequently and often do walk over the bridge and it does make me think much more deeply. It makes me imagine trying to protect the children in that situation, wonder what I'd do, how we'd react, would we have survived.

In that way we react far more to the events in London than learning about 100s of people dying in Syria due to bombing. What's that quote? "100 people dying in an earthquake is news, one child in a garden pond is tragedy". If we can imagine that it could one day be us in that situation we react much more.

For me it's an internal reaction, not something I talk about, but for some people (like my dd2) it's helpful to talk about it, to break the fear by vocalising it. It doesn't mean that they are less empathetic to the people actually caught up in it, or making it about them, in most cases.

I think it's a very human reaction to put yourself in that situation and think it could have been you. A case where it could be you is much more frightening than a case which could never be you.

And for those complaining about marking safe from people outside London. We're well outside the M25, but we still had people (including relatives) checking we were safe on 7/7. I was quite touched that people thought of us actually, even if their geography was conspicuous by its absence.

There is a thing on Fb where you could say you were ok some people who were using it who i know for a fact never ever go into London..

There is a thing on Fb where you could say you were ok some people who were using it who i know for a fact never ever go into London..

I really don't see it as them making it all about them or seeking sympathy - they're just expressing that this IS close to home and yes it could be any of us next time and yes terrorism does get under your skin sometimes even if we mostly minimise it.

I agree. I left London 2 hours before the attack and was on the train home when it happened. I had my purse nicked en-route. I was feeling sorry for myself but later when I heard the news, I just felt bloody grateful it was only my purse that I'd lost. My DD&DGD weren't far away from the area when the attack happened and I just thought 'There for the grace of God go I' - could be any of us or any of our family who are in the wrong place at the wrong time and terrrible events like this ram that right home. I think it's only human to think "I could have been there. My DD could have been there etc' And be bloody thankful they weren't.

That was a great post witchend! Exactly what I was trying to say but much better expressed!

YANBU, op.

I never understand the whole " I was on that bridge a week/month/year ago it could of been me" well I could of been it a car accident yesterday but I wasn't.

With some people I think they do feel a genuine pot of luck that they say left the bridge 30 minutes before the attack and I understand that but a lot of people I think do just want attention/sympathy

It's like marking yourself as safe on Facebook, when you live in Cardiff and haven't been to London for about 10 years wtf?

Oh god yes - I agree OP. My SIL is that person who does make everything about her. This time it was a post on FB..."I was in London at the weekend". Yes, well so were several millions on other people, and nothing actually happened in London at the weekend, so the post was totally irrelevant, but attention seeking. She does this whenever something major happens in the world!

YANBU this stuff pisses me off no end.
I couldn't believe how many people made it about them when my DP died.
Ghouls I used to call them.

YANBU OP. I know the exact type. I have an acquaintance who was due to go into central London from a surrounding suburb on 7/7. Her appointment was sufficiently late in the day that the news had broken by the time she was due to set off and she was able to change her plans so that she never travelled. On every anniversary of the bombings she posts something about having been "caught up in the chaos", worded so that if you didn't know or remember the reality you'd be left with the impression that she had cheated death by seconds rather than being safely 15/20 miles away with just the minor inconvenience of rearranging an appointment to deal with. She definitely is someone who makes this sort of thing all about her and exaggerates her involvement with disaster and tragedy not out of empathy or a sudden realisation of mortality, but for simple attention seeking.

Mrstrent thats really sad to read, but not surprising i'm afraid.

I can see where you are coming from OP

Women at work Is like a stuck sodding record at the moment, her ds walked over than bridge on his way to a job interview 2 weeks ago don't you know, it could of been him if he was there. Well X it didn't happen 2 weeks ago, and your ds was not on the bridge so change the record!

Yes it could of been anyone but anyone could also of been involved in a car accident yesterday! It's all I could of been there, if I'd been there but you could say that about many things in life

I don't doubt some people do feel lucky they weren't on the bridge if they were people that use it everyday at the same time for example but some people are just attention seeking drama queens.

People are odd sometimes colleague had her dad pass away at Christmas and when she recently returned to work, someone actually said she knew how she was feeling etc as she recently lost the cat wtf? Why do people not engage brain before the look at me attitude takes over

At my dad's funeral 2 weeks ago, my Aunt complained to me that my dad had died on her wedding anniversary.
I apologised on his behalf. I think the sarcasm in my voice was lost on her.

i have two friends who go up to london every day for work from essex and herts - one had a friend who was on one of tubes on 7/7 that was targeted, but thankfully she was ok.
They just get on with it - they are used to the security and the disruption on the tubes every day - how they do that journey all the time i dont know- but they never say anything about being up there when things like this happen, just realise that it can and be as vigilant as they can too. I admire their resolve, but they love working in the city and they need to go to work.

Empathy would be expressing your sorrow for the families and people directly affected and saying how terrible it is.

All this 'oh poor me, I was there last week' is just shit and not empathetic at all.

ok, that is really bad - why do people say such insensitive things? do they not think sometimes ( especailly when someone has died) i know none of us are perfect, but show some constraint ( and empathy)
when it is needed. ( i have really learnt over the years to try and engage brain before speaking)

I quite agree OP.
My colleague at work is like this, we live 300 miles away but the first thing she said was along the lines of....'OMG, we were thinking of going to London at Easter.'
she is always making everything about her and I thought at the time it sounded selfish.
This is totally different of course from people who actually WERE near or affected.

There are people who like to make everything about them but I think they're in the minority. I like to think most people are generally nice.

Fwiw I have friends and family who live in London, however as my knowledge of London geography is shit I find it reassuring when they check themselves in as 'safe'.

Surely, as well as empathy for the people affected, we can admit to ourselves we are relieved it wasn't us or someone we love?

I think they're just expressing genuine relief.

Perhaps it's time for a break from social media if you find it so annoying.

I think in most cases your cynicism is misplaced op. In most cases it's nothing more than a realisation of our own mortality and recognition that others believed it would 'never be them' caught up in something. We've walked along the Promenade des Anglais with ds in his buggy on balmy evenings. The pictures of people running screaming and pushing their own crying children quickly away from terror made my blood run cold and tears fill my eyes. It's called empathy.

TheStoic trouble is it's not confined to social media; it is also on mainstream media with random interviews of people on the street many of whom make it about them.