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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?!

48 replies

user1484937392 · 24/03/2017 07:50

So me & DP have 3 DC. None together. Dd1 foster child (13) Dd2 mine (12) and Ds his (11)
I've always noticed that dp treats ds so different than DD's. Like last night bed time, everyone was told etc and ds decides to reboot his Xbox and play. I didn't go upstairs til after my bath at 11.30 so he was over curfew by hours. Anyways, dp said just to ban him from Xbox just for tomorrow. I banned him from Xbox and his phone plus any kind of privilege. Now a few weeks back dd2 was on her iPad when it was bed time and had her iPad taken for a week and made to sit on her bed all day with nothing.
Come downstairs this morning and as it's Red Nose Day, dp left ds a note saying £1 for mufti and £5 to spend on what he wants?! They only sell cakes which are 5 for £1 and he's seriously going to buy 25? DD's saw this note and asked why did dd1 has to pay dp back £1 she borrowed but ds doesn't? Now this is after ds took our card and spent £70 on additional Xbox games.
So I gave DD's £1 and ds £3 (yes I am to scared to take anymore. Worried already it's going to kick off!) I do as dp says. Dds not allowed money to go out with friends or nothing. I really this he's being unreasonable when it comes to the girls. Especially dd2. She moved a fork on the table to other day and got grounded for a few days. Ds can slam a door and scream and he just gets a talking to.
Maybe this AIBU has gone deeper. Maybe I should pack the girls and leave? They don't really like Dp and dp does nothing for them really. Maybe this was the wrong place to vent and write. Maybe I need actual help. Dp can be so nice and good but it's not constant. I prefer to be alone and raise dc. I don't mind giving them £10 to go out with friends. Or buy them makeup. But dp doesn't like it. So I don't bother. Friends have noticed too but to scared to say anything.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 24/03/2017 07:53

Good God. Yes leave. Now.

Crispbutty · 24/03/2017 07:55

"Maybe I should pack the girls and leave?"

There's no maybe about it. Do it for the sake of those girls who are not in a position to leave without you. He sounds abusive and controlling and you sound scared of him. That's no way to live.

Fortheloveofdog · 24/03/2017 07:56

Ask for this to be moved to relationships as you will get good advice.
Fwiw, I agree that you should leave him. It will show the girls that it is not a healthy relationship and that they can make the choice not to live with that as adults.

Soubriquet · 24/03/2017 07:59

Leave. Your girls see the imbalance already. It isn't fair on them and you say you're scared to anger him

Leave

Gazelda · 24/03/2017 07:59

You know that it's him that is being unreasonable.
Talk to your friends and ask them to help you and the girls to leave.

RaeofSun · 24/03/2017 08:00

You can see the life lesson you're currently endorsing that males get preferential treatment.

Definitely a toxic environment for your dds to grow up in. My first LTB

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 24/03/2017 08:00

He is a bully and a control freak. . His ds will likely grow up thinking this is an acceptable attitude. . And you will have 2 of them to contend with. .
Get your dds and yourself the hell out of there!!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 24/03/2017 08:02

Definitely get out. Get your children out. Do not hang around with this soul destroyer. He is not setting a good example for your girls to be around and you've said it yourself "I prefer to be alone and raise DC". There is your answer.
Best of luck with it all.

blackteasplease · 24/03/2017 08:03

I think you need to at least have a good, honest talking to with him.

If you are scared to do that, or have tried already, or if he reacts defensively (or aggressively) to this you should definitely leave. Your girls should not be treated as second class citizens.

You say you are scarwd of him. No one should be scared of their oartner . It suggests you are well oast the talking to him stage...

You say dd1 is fostered. Is there anyone who would help you at the local authority. A child shouldnt be treated like this is a foster placement (or at all but this makes it feel more shocking).

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 24/03/2017 08:06

Please go and both yiu and your dds deserve more, especially dd1
She's already had some form of life trauma. I'm sure social services would help
Priority housing because of her. Is she a family foster or what? If not family then you must get help from her social worker (think they fizzle out with family fostering?)
Please please do this

Oldbutstillgotit · 24/03/2017 08:07

My DD was in a very similar relationship until recently. BF was horrible to my DGS but she was being controlled and manipulated so felt unable to do anything. He cut her off from friends and family. I applied for information under Clare's Law and we discovered he had a history of Domestic Abuse. When SS got involved she saw the light and ended things. This man sounds very similar so , like everyone else. I urge you to leave.

blackteasplease · 24/03/2017 08:08

Yes I think i shouldnt have mentioned the trying to talk first as it sounds like it would be useless.

tillytown · 24/03/2017 08:09

Poor girls, that doesn't sound like a happy home

picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 08:18

I don't know enough about your whole situation to know if there is anything good going on here. If you have given the whole picture, and he is constantly and deliberately belittling the girls and favouring his DS, then yes you need to end your relationship. (Do you need to go? Can't he go?).

I started reading thinking it was just an inconsistency problem, that he might not realise he is playing favourites and being unfair.
I was going to suggest a behaviour record, where every misbehaviour/punishment was logged so you can compare how you are treating the children. It would work well with a behaviour contract.

Is this a relationship worth saving, though?

picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 08:20

Oh wait, you are not doing things because you are afraid of him? Sorry, no. Please do get help.

picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 08:22

Be careful with SW, they may move her if they think she isn't safe. Get a plan together before you approach them. Call women's aid for advice. Flowers

ChuckDaffodils · 24/03/2017 08:25

You are scared of him and he treats your daughters badly. Yes please up and leave.

What is the house situation?

WatchingFromTheWings · 24/03/2017 08:27

He's a controlling bully. Leave as soon as you can, you need to protect your kids.

Original poster
user1484937392 · 24/03/2017 08:28

I've just called a mutual friend who knows us both and was dp friend before we got together and she said she sees it. How dp treats DD's so differently. Especially my DD. (Dd2) dd2 has additional needs that I know piss off dp. She says there's a bed for us tonight if it comes to it.
I'm scared of dp. Not in the sense of he will hit me or nothing. I can't explain why I'm scared. We don't have blazing rows or physical fights. It's more how I'm spoken too. Pulled up in front of the kids. So I'll probably now go and give DS the £2 I gave to the girls because I know it probably wasn't worth it.
Dp friend said if I need her to speak out and tell dp what she sees she will and maybe it might change dp around.
The girls just looked at me this morning. Dd1 wanted to go to the cinema but dp said no. They don't get pocket money or money to go into town. Dp says they don't need it. See when you live with something for so long (7 years) and then write it down it's crazy. Because I read it back and think wow. That's me?! I can go out today and spend £100 on myself. That's fine. But give DD's any money and that's a problem.
I wanted to take dd2 to get her nails done but dp said not to cause she will just bite them off and it's not worth it etc, so I didn't. She had to learn to do her own hair, I wasn't allowed to. Because she has to do it herself. Dd1 is a family foster. She is on the CIN register as she needs them to still be around as the case needs to go to court to award me PR. Until then SS have PR.

I know you've all heard it before but when DP is good, the house is fantastic. He will buy them sweets and do their hair and be just great. They laugh so much and generally be so happy.
But it doesn't last long.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484937392 · 24/03/2017 08:33

When dp is being good then he treats all dc the same. They laugh and talk and play and do everything. They make him laugh , he has some bond there. But when he does things like this , it gets to them and me. I'm obviously not imagining it because as I said dp friend says she sees it.

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 24/03/2017 08:35

I think you've answered your own question. You're scared to not let ds have the money. That is not right.

Apart from anything else, by staying you are teaching your girls that they are worth less than the men in the family. This could well be something they repeat in their future relationships.

Maybe leaving could be the shock your do needs, maybe he's just a twat and will never change but you're not being fair to you or your girls right now

HandbagCrazy · 24/03/2017 08:44

Leave now and don't look back.

If you're scared of your partner, can you imagine how your DDs feel about him? Do you really want them to think it's normal that the men of house get what they want / have more / are treated better and the girls are there to go without and do the bidding?

Your partner sounds as if he's being just nice enough to keep you there. It's not good enough, you owe your daughters more than this. You need to leave

Universitychallenging · 24/03/2017 08:48

You know yourself this isn't right and you know yourself you need to leave.

WateryTart · 24/03/2017 08:53

Spend today packing.

scallopsrgreat · 24/03/2017 08:55

Like others when you started off I thought it might just but inconsistency but I actually couldn't finish the post at 8:28. It is systematic and he is being so cruel. As another poster said it is visible reinforcement to your girls how boys/men get preferential treatment. I mean grounded for moving a fork. Unless she'd picked it up and thrown it at him that is a complete over reaction. What had she done wrong for a start? And the fact you are afraid to challenge those things is a huge huge red flag.

You know who is being unreasonable. Writing it down is good that way. You can't get away from it and you know its true.

You have a good friend there. Let her give you some support. If she can see what it happening too, it is blatant and other people will have seen it.

Even if you aren't ready to leave, start making a diary about events. There is no harm in getting your house in order and there is no harm in exploring options.

Ultimately though I think you know what needs to be done Flowers.

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