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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?!

48 replies

user1484937392 · 24/03/2017 07:50

So me & DP have 3 DC. None together. Dd1 foster child (13) Dd2 mine (12) and Ds his (11)
I've always noticed that dp treats ds so different than DD's. Like last night bed time, everyone was told etc and ds decides to reboot his Xbox and play. I didn't go upstairs til after my bath at 11.30 so he was over curfew by hours. Anyways, dp said just to ban him from Xbox just for tomorrow. I banned him from Xbox and his phone plus any kind of privilege. Now a few weeks back dd2 was on her iPad when it was bed time and had her iPad taken for a week and made to sit on her bed all day with nothing.
Come downstairs this morning and as it's Red Nose Day, dp left ds a note saying £1 for mufti and £5 to spend on what he wants?! They only sell cakes which are 5 for £1 and he's seriously going to buy 25? DD's saw this note and asked why did dd1 has to pay dp back £1 she borrowed but ds doesn't? Now this is after ds took our card and spent £70 on additional Xbox games.
So I gave DD's £1 and ds £3 (yes I am to scared to take anymore. Worried already it's going to kick off!) I do as dp says. Dds not allowed money to go out with friends or nothing. I really this he's being unreasonable when it comes to the girls. Especially dd2. She moved a fork on the table to other day and got grounded for a few days. Ds can slam a door and scream and he just gets a talking to.
Maybe this AIBU has gone deeper. Maybe I should pack the girls and leave? They don't really like Dp and dp does nothing for them really. Maybe this was the wrong place to vent and write. Maybe I need actual help. Dp can be so nice and good but it's not constant. I prefer to be alone and raise dc. I don't mind giving them £10 to go out with friends. Or buy them makeup. But dp doesn't like it. So I don't bother. Friends have noticed too but to scared to say anything.

OP posts:

limon · 24/03/2017 08:56

Yes leave. Sitting on her bed all day? That's abusive as is the rest of his treatment to of them. He won't change, get yourself and the girls away as soon as you can.

AyeAmarok · 24/03/2017 08:59

This is awful. You have a vulnerable child that you need to protect, and another DD who also needs to grow up with healthy relationships being modelled so she doesn't end up with a partner abusing her. Don't let them be shown every day that they don't matter, that's so damaging.

I'd ask for your thread to be moved to the Relationships board and start packing.

JessicaEccles · 24/03/2017 09:01

Are the SWs aware of this situation? Because it seems as if this oldest girl has gone from one abusive situation straight into another.
If you feel you can't - or won't stop this happening to your daughter- why not tell the SW what is actually going on?

Screwinthetuna · 24/03/2017 09:04

I've been on the recieving end of unbalanced parenting and it's horrible and I remember it all. I'd try and speak about it and make him very aware that things must change but yes, it can't go on as it is.

I'm also concerned that your DD had to 'sit on her bed all day with nothing' for using her iPad when she wasn't meant to???? What!? All day long, just sitting there!? I hope I've interpreted that wrong because that's abuse

deadringer · 24/03/2017 09:05

Yabu to allow your dp to treat your dds badly. It can sometimes be difficult to be fair with children but your dp is being cruel to treat his ds so preferentially. If you can talk to him great but if are actually afraid of him you need to get out and take your dds with you.

IamFriedSpam · 24/03/2017 09:06

Yes get the hell out as fast as you can, this many sounds controlling towards all the women in the household (your entire post betrays the fact you need to tiptoe around him and wait for his "commands" before you decide what to do).

This is the model you're providing for your DD's of what a husband should be and it doesn't sound like a good one.

Fishface77 · 24/03/2017 09:32

He is terrible.
Abusive to you and your DDs.
If you don't get out not only will you be a victim of domestic abuse but also complicit in the abuse of your girls.

ohtheholidays · 24/03/2017 09:35

Please if you love your litttle girls take them away with you today and never go back to him!

I've just been crying about the way he treats your little girls and I don't even know them,you are allowing them to be emotionally and mentally abused by this man,I had a friend that let her DP treat her 2 DD's in the same way and he treated his son like he was a God,he ended up abusing those girls and she lost her DD's,me and many others dropped her as a friend as soon as we knew what she'd let happen and most of her family have turned they're backs on her as well.

This will be you if you don't get those poor little girls out and start putting them first and protecting them.
That's your most important job as they're Mum is to keep them safe,make sure they feel valued and loved!

If you stay with him you'll be failing your DD's in the worst way possible,never put a man before your own DC!

Original poster

user1484937392 · 24/03/2017 09:54

Yes Dd2 has been made before to just sit on her bed. Not allowed to do anything. That has happened a few times. Other punishment for dd2 can be her iPad taken away for how ever long dp deems fit. Yes it all is one way. I understand that. I see it. I cry because of it. Lately dp hasn't punished dd2, was a near thing about the fork (dd2 set the table and there was a small fork which no one wanted and she put it in front of ds , dp moved it in front of dd2 and dd2 moved it back and reclaimed the bigger fork. Dd2 stood her ground and dp stormed off ) i overrode that punishment and allowed Dd2 to have her iPad and still meet her friend at the park Saturday. I know what everyone is saying. I do.
I knew it was bad but kinda thought it was in my head. I'm going to grab the girls tonight and go out and talk. I think dd1 wants to confront dp but Dd2 won't dare. She knows the punishment isn't worth it.
I suffer with BPD and find these situations hard. Shit, I find life hard in general.

OP posts:

averythinline · 24/03/2017 10:01

DO you mean go to your friends? and talk - also are they your friend or his.....if his they may not have your best interests at heart?
are you taking meds for your BPD? maybe you should talk to your gp/mh support as well.....
I recommend calling womans aid if you can, they re really supportive and will be on your side...the DD foster child just makes it more important that you leave...this is not a good place for them and if she is a CIN you should be talking to them...openness is the best policy
yes life can be shit at times but you need to focus on whats best for the girls - you obviously are really caring but need to reach out for support where you can now
www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

averythinline · 24/03/2017 10:02

sorry meant you should be talking to foster child Social Worker

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 24/03/2017 10:29

You say he's sometimes nice, but it doesn't last long. That's classical abusive behaviour. He's nice sometimes to keep you sweet and stop you from leaving. You learn to live for the 'ups', and just survive through the 'downs'. It's soul destroying, believe me, I've been there. And the fact that you're scared of him proves it.

Please get out now, before your DDs (and you) become too damaged.

Therealjudgejudy · 24/03/2017 10:43

Leave him. It's obvious and you know it is. Why on earth are you fostering a child but having good her live in another abusive environment?? That poor child. She will totally grow up thinking that this abusive treatment is normal. You need to find your inner strength and leave him.

Lovewineandchocs · 24/03/2017 12:59

Don't let them be abused for one second longer! You don't have kids together so get them away from him and you don't ever have to have anything to do with him again. DO NOT put a man before your kids. Sort out anything re house etc once you are all way from him.

blackteasplease · 24/03/2017 13:36

I do agree with all of this.

I might let SS know anyway (perhaps you will have to if living situation changes) even if you leave immediately because they may want to check up on DS.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 24/03/2017 13:50

To be blunt: you're an adult. You can choose to be in an abusive relationship if you want, it's your life. But right now you are allowing your partner to abuse your children. You are facilitating it. You need to protect them, NOW.

And if DD1 is a foster child, she won't be with you much longer if SS find out what is going on in your home.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I think you need it to spelled out very clearly. Good luck.

QueenArseClangers · 24/03/2017 13:58

He's a monster.

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 24/03/2017 14:13

OP this is not a healthy environment for you or the children. DSS is being taught his step-sisters are inferior while the girls are learning they are not important and don't deserve fair treatment.

I feel so sad reading this. SS will not find this healthy so I think you need to contact them as to your reasons for leaving (which is absolutely what you need to do!)

Foffyouwanker · 24/03/2017 14:26

Run for the fucking hills

Marilynsbigsister · 24/03/2017 21:56

Are you OK OP? Did you manage to get out with your girls. I really how so. Staying is just wrong. Simple as ..

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 24/03/2017 23:50

I am really worried about you 💐

NotaSnowflake · 25/03/2017 00:08

OP are you ok? Please let us know. Even if it's just a simple 'We're ok'

SteppingOnToes · 28/03/2017 17:51

OP it's been a long time with no check in - I do hope you are OK xx

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