To think an abuser (mentally) doesn't know what he/she is doing?

[Toobloodytired]

Guys please help me!

This is bugging me and honestly I can't make sense of it!

I've posted quite a lot on here under different names about my ex and I, how he was with me & how he left me blah blah blah poor me and all that crap.

Anyways, the first thing people say is he abused me mentally & physically (hit me across the face once).

However I feel that although it's viewed as abuse and a lot of abusers have the same traits, they can't possibly know they are doing it?

Maybe they start off with great intentions??
Maybe they can't help it??
Can't see what they are doing??

Oh it's so bloody complex!

I don't quite understand it.

I get the who manipulation, I.E when you want something I don't know, someone to buy something for you....that whole "cute" "oh please buy me this for my birthday, il love you for ever!"....it's not abuse it's just you know a way to get something you want!

However when it goes too far & you are being controlled to the point you aren't you anymore, do you really think the abuser thinks "this is exactly what I planned? She's under the thumb and will do as I say?"

Sorry if I've lost you, to be completely honest, I've confused myself!!

I think it depends how you understand 'knows what they are doing'.

They genuinely believe what they say. Everything would be fine, if you behaved better. If you read their mind and met their needs without them having to express it. Any sign of you having needs of your own which are not compatible with theirs are evidence of you being unreasonable, irrational, not loving them enough.

They can control it, to an extent, outside the home because 'people wouldn't understand'. Also, other people do not belong to them, so aren't expected to be controlled in the same way.

So they are aware, but unaware. Very weird understanding of relationships. Possibly they have been raised as the object in a relationship and that is the only understanding they have. Their choice appears to be to be controlled or to control. For their own survival, they must be the controller.

It doesn't change the fact that they are dangerous and destructive.

Quite simply. If they are not aware what they are doing is wrong...We have to teach them it is by not accepting it. Like we would with delayed social development in a child.

Some people definitely do know what they're doing but I do think that some don't have a clue, then most people are a combination.

Some people are so wrapped up in their own hurt and insecurities that they can't see past them. When they're feeling good they can show love and be normal, when the bad mood, hurt, insecurity, lack of control feelings kick in, it becomes all encompassing. They can't see someone elses hurt when they're staring at their own raw open wound.

They may find tricks to get attention and keep someone close but they have to escalate the tricks to get the emotional return from them. If they're not getting the emotional plaster from their antics, at this point, their analysis of the situation isn't oh I'm driving them away, it's:

Look I'm right, they don't love me as they should. They are failing.
They're not giving me the attention I deserve, they are hurting me. I don't deserve to be hurt.
Why are they distancing themselves? Why are they rejecting me? I don't deserve to be rejected, they are being nasty to me.
They're not going to see you tip toeing around them. They are going to see someone doing what they should, or trying to make amends for their transgressions.

It's OK to try and understand but it's not about excusing them but protecting yourself. People like that can't be reasoned with, unless they seek help themselves. Trying to keep them stable will make their behaviour worse towards you. If you need to have some contact then you can learn how to understand and distance yourself from their attacks.

I get where you're coming from, OP. And I don't know the answer either, I wish I did.
Maybe part of the reason you're wondering now is that you want to know how to avoid this situation next time... you want to know what YOU should do differently.
But remember: part of the way the abuse works is that it IS unpredictable, it's illogical, so you never can relax and avoid it. That's how things work in modern war, too guerrilla ambushes, random rapes of innocent bystanders, behaviour that simply doesn't fit any normal person's expectations of how "normal" people act until the victim starts to think they must be defective because they can't see what to expect or do.

That still doesn't explain what the abuser imagines he's doing. Maybe the point is they can't predict themselves either? Which definitely makes them a bit nuts, whatever the DSM handbooks diagnose.

YOu start to think YOUR definition of normal must be wrong since it so clearly doesn't fit with what he thinks / says is normal ... and since he acts calmer around others they too think he's normal...

and final thought (after this I'll shut up, promise!) -- pretty much by definition, it's very hard for a normal person (you) ever to understand why an abnormal person (him) acts that way.

Thinking about all of what you all have said, I do realise maybe he knew exactly what he did.

As I've now remembered a conversation with him, we discussed his ex gf, he admitted he used her for his own personal gain and benefit.

He told me how he kept her "longer than he should have" to walk the dog as she had a "crap job" so was home a lot more.

He also admits he cheated on her rather than leave her because "I needed her to help with the dog".

"I never cooked in the two years we were together, she did it all, every day".

All of the above was from his mouth.

I guess it was difficult for him with me because I made damn sure he did his fair share, I never walked HIS dog, I didn't cook dinner at HIS house. We made a deal, when at his, he cooks, when at mine I cooked.

Maybe he left so suddenly because he wanted someone who would just finally submit to him, not argue back.

He did say that although he enjoyed being with his ex as she did everything he asked, he got bored of the whole "she just bent over backwards all the time".

Told me how he loved the fact I stood up to him & was just as or more stubborn than him, then left.

Maybe he's gone back to the kind of girl who will just roll over and take it??

I do see more now, how actually he knew and knows what he did.