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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should she just have worn it?

54 replies

BroomHandledMouser · 23/03/2017 14:35

DD 5 is in a talent show in a few weeks time.

The girls are wearing tutus and the one boy in jogging bottoms.

DD has spoken up and has said that actually, she would rather wear joggers as she's not keen on tutus and other 'girly' clothes.

The TA who's organising all this has blown a gasket and has said that she won't look like all the other girls now and that she'll look different. Not only that, she now has to give everyone the choice.

DD is fine with not looking the same, but should I have just made her wear it for the sake of 3 minutes on stage?

Part of me thinks yes I should've. The other part thinks actually...this little girl has spoken up and she's got a point!

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 23/03/2017 15:16

YANBU

The only thing I would say is to encourage your DD to keep her options open and not pigeon hole herself into 'tomboy' label. My DD took great pride in being the Best Tomboy in the School - I kept telling her everyone is EQUAL but she didn't listen - and now that she actually wants to wear a skirt now and then she is finding it a bit hard to climb down from her scornful lofty position. It's hard fighting against sexism.

MangoSplit · 23/03/2017 15:19

YANBU

CancellyMcChequeface · 23/03/2017 15:21

It was a reasonable question, and I'm glad that you supported your daughter! As a former TA I can see the TA in question being a bit put out if she'd already ordered the tutus and didn't expect a change, but being annoyed that 'all the girls don't look the same' is completely unreasonable. At any school I've worked in we always kept and re-used costumes anyway. I can't imagine telling a child that they had to wear a costume they really didn't want to.

FinallyHere · 23/03/2017 15:27

Good for your daughter.

steppemum · 23/03/2017 15:38

support your dd. This would have been my dd. She is still standing up being the ony one in trousers etc and breaking the stereotypes, she is now 12.

If they were all in one costume - suck it up, as soon as 2 costumes are on stage, then either sex can wear either.

LozzaChops101 · 23/03/2017 15:45

Your daughter sounds brilliant!

Original poster
BroomHandledMouser · 23/03/2017 15:53

Ahh thanks everyone!! Blush

She's got a strong mind I'll give that

OP posts:
Witchend · 23/03/2017 16:07

I'd be on the fence on this one.
I don't see why if they genuinely are all performing the same (ie the boy isn't in the centre doing something slightly different) they can't choose.

However:
I do costumes for a local amateur group. When you have girls of 14yo who throw a costume across the room because it's not the one they wanted, or are found in the changing rooms where they shouldn't be tipping out the other girls' bags (and not putting the stuff back) to exchange their hair ribbon because they wanted another colour (both of which I've had, and further situations) you wish their parents told them when they were 5yo that they wear what they're given or they're not on the stage.
Getting the boys to wear tights (which I thought would be more of an issue) was no problem at all, at least partially because all the parents said "that's your costume, wear it or don't go on".

user1480267413 · 23/03/2017 16:12

Agree with previous post. If someone is part of a dance group surely they should dress appropriately for the part? Cannot imagine the Royal Ballet letting the dancers choose to wear what they like! equality and human rights is all very well but these issues are being taken to ridiculous extremes. Just about to ride my motorcycle nude and not wearing a crash helmet just because I can??!!

cathf · 23/03/2017 16:17

Nope, disagree with everyone here.
Your Dd is 5, she does as she is told. There are times when you can't get your own way, and I would say this is one of them.
What happens next time something doesn't suit her? This situation is being wrapped up as sexism and justified on those grounds, but really it's just a 5-year-old who thinks rules are not for her, and is being supported by her mum.
I am not a teacher sympathiser by any stretch of the imagination, but I do wonder how schools manage to get anything done with the level of micromanaging by parents I see on MN.
Everyone's unique, but nobody's special, to quote Outnumbered!

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 16:25

Cannot imagine the Royal Ballet letting the dancers choose to wear what they like!

Its a 5 year old in a talent show, so if you want to talk about ridiculous extremes have a look at yourself.

BorpBorpBorp · 23/03/2017 16:25

"The boys can wear joggers but the girls have to wear tutus" is a stupid rule. Nobody should have to follow stupid rules, even 5-year-olds. If you think a rule is too stupid to follow, you challenge it, flout it, or remove yourself from its scope of influence.

sirfredfredgeorge · 23/03/2017 16:26

cathf There are very few situations where a 5 year old gets their own way, the choice of which of two entirely appropriate outfits for an activity should be one of them.

It's an entirely safe and appropriate place to introduce choice and independence - it is not a place to force compliance, because there is no risk to either of the choices - unlike in other areas where a 5year old might not like being told what to do.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/03/2017 16:30

It's a performance she should have worn the costume intended for her role in the performance.assuming there was nothing age inappropriate about it

ChocChocPorridge · 23/03/2017 16:32

This situation is being wrapped up as sexism and justified on those grounds, but really it's just a 5-year-old who thinks rules are not for her, and is being supported by her mum.

It wouldn't be sexism if the joggers/tutus had been randomly assigned, but they hadn't been. Girls had one costume, boys another - based on sex, therefore, sexism.

Plus, it's a 5 year-olds' talent show. Frankly, I think it's great they'll be in costume at all - DS1 always hated dressing up and so did pretty much all his performances until he was 6 (and able to be bribed/persuaded) in his nursery or school sweatshirt.

1bighappyfamily · 23/03/2017 16:33

Well done that girl.

And you too OP. You're raising a good 'un.

user1480267413 · 23/03/2017 16:36

Spartacus, obviously we don't share the same sense of the ridiculous!! Original point stands though - in a group setting, even for small children, rules are to keep order. If a child learns at an early age life will be much easier for them.

Vegansnake · 23/03/2017 16:36

No she bloody well should not of just worn it..Christ it starts early on us women,with the fucking sexist clothes we are expected to wear in many situations..good for her

Porpoiselife · 23/03/2017 16:42

Well good for her to standing up and speaking out. But if that was the costume allocated to her for her part in the routine I can see that perhaps she should just have worn it.

If it was something that inhibited her from dancing I could see your point more, but if its just a case of she doesn't like it, then you are being a bit unreasonable.

What if all the children say they don't like the tutu or the jogging bottoms? What are they supposed to do?

minipie · 23/03/2017 16:43

If someone is part of a dance group surely they should dress appropriately for the part?

It's a performance she should have worn the costume intended for her role in the performance.assuming there was nothing age inappropriate about it

But the boy is allowed to wear joggers and he's doing exactly the same part/role. Therefore, the TA has already decided that either tutus or jogging bottoms are appropriate. There is no reason why a costume is appropriate for a boy but not a girl if they are doing the same part in the show.

YANBU OP

TheMysteriousJackelope · 23/03/2017 16:44

Are the joggers part of the costume for the character the boy is portraying? It just seems such a weird mix in formality, girls in tutus and a boy in trackie bottoms. It would be like a man in ripped and stained jeans to do a presentation to customers while his colleagues are in skirts and heels. If there isn't some reason for him to be wearing joggers, either he should be in those legging things male ballet dancers wear or the whole lot should be in joggers. Otherwise it's going to look odd.

minipie · 23/03/2017 16:45

And she's not asking to choose what she likes. She's asking to have the same costume as the boy. As I say, this is a costume the TA has already decided is suitable.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/03/2017 16:56

so now it's sexist to not insist on boys wearing tutus in ballet dance performances?

Goldfishjane · 23/03/2017 16:59

I think your daughter is brilliant

and the TA's a dumbass.

sticklebrix · 23/03/2017 16:59

Good for her.

I feel a bit sorry for the boy. Doesn't seem very kind to come up with a costume and deliberately exclude one of the group. I hope he was offered a tutu.