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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

By not wanting to lend DP's family any more money?

51 replies

Hannahbanana1725 · 23/03/2017 10:34

Me and my partner are saving for a mortgage. PIL owe us 400, BIL1 owes us 175 and BIL2 owes us 50. BIL2 wants to borrow a further 400 and will then pay us back at the end of april when he gets his student loan. He wanted to buy something on finance but got declined, not sure what it was.
I am fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable, as we will get it back at the end of April, and he said he would give us extra on top.
DP wants to lend him the money, but i'm a bit fed up of having to lend his family money. PIL have no idea when they'll pay us back and BIL1 was supposed to pay us back by now. AIBU in not wanting to lend it?

OP posts:
LeninaCrowne · 23/03/2017 11:39

There is helping family out when times are hard, and then there's being cheeky and these loans are on the cheeky side of the line!

BeMorePanda · 23/03/2017 11:39

He wanted to buy something on finance but got declined, not sure what it was.

YANBU - he can wait until the end of April - no biggie.

LeninaCrowne · 23/03/2017 11:40

Whats the point in saving if its all going to be lent out?

BaggyCheeks · 23/03/2017 11:45

Pil owes you 400. Bil wants 400. Tell Pil to lend your 400 to Bil. Solved.

Wtf not solved at all?? OP needs her £400 back from the PIL. And to still not lend BIL £400.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 23/03/2017 11:46

Is that not what families are for? To lean on each other?

Leaning is one thing, taking the piss/exploiting is another. If they currently owe money they can't pay back, it would be foolish to lend them more. Family relationships are too important to be soured by non-payment of a debt, which is why money should never be lent unless both parties are very clear on the repayment plan OR that it's a gift. OP's ILs are using her as a bank - and there's a reason the banks won't lend to them, they are obviously crap with money.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/03/2017 11:51

The PIL's borrowed money to 'do up their kitchen???' But why wouldn't they just save up or do it piecemeal - unless they were flooded out and needed a complete refit all in one go...

If they can't afford it, they shouldn't have it. You aren't a bank.

ImperialBlether · 23/03/2017 11:53

Your younger BIL will be spending his loan on something that's not food or rent, so he'll want money for those things as soon as he starts work!

LeninaCrowne · 23/03/2017 11:53

Hopefully OP you'll realise that your DP's family are crap with money and now you are seen as a cashpoint.

Please don't 'lend' any more, for shite reasons and if you can, keep control of the money you have saved. You don't have to explain why to anyone - just say no.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 23/03/2017 12:07

There are some families where this is normal, they see money as 'family money'. If anyone has money and another needs it, it should be lent to them no hesitation. I am not saying I agree with this, my family do not operate like this, but if your DP comes from that sort of background he is going to find it hard to say no as he has been brought up with this as the norm.

I think you need to put your foot down now, once you buy a property together then he cannot be using money on his family when he has his own responsibilities. Start as you mean to go on, but be prepared for initial whinges about 'but we are family, what's £500 between brothers' etc etc while they get used to the idea that their credit is no longer good with you.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2017 12:21

NFW!

1AnnoyingOrange · 23/03/2017 12:22

No, they are borrowing for non essentials.
This can go badly and create arguments.
I would stop this pattern of you being the family money lender, unless it is money you have spare and are willing to lose without resentment.

He was declined credit. If it is only until April, why cant he wait until April?
I'd be putting the money in an ISA and explaining it can't come out as it is fixed in savings account.

GreenPeppers · 23/03/2017 12:49

No because he still hasn't paid you back the £50 so I would wonder if he would pay the £400.
The way his parents and brother are behaving shouldnt influence the way you treat him though.

jcne · 23/03/2017 12:51

No no no no no !

Lynnm63 · 23/03/2017 13:17

No. I wouldn't lend cash. If they were skint and had no money for food day or an electric bill I'd pay directly got those items. As for pil borrowing £400 to do up their kitchen surely that's not essential and a clear instance of where you save up.

ButtercupChain · 23/03/2017 13:27

Good grief, they're really mugging you off my lovely! Sad

Don't allow it to happen anymore. They're taking the piss.

ragz134 · 23/03/2017 13:39

My brother and one sister haven't spoken in a year after falling out over money last year... It has caused a lot of upset. I lent same sister money 4 years ago for a deposit that she promised to pay back monthly and my parents ended up paying it back a year later on her behalf, my DH was less than impressed! My family is terrible with money... Don't do it! It just isn't worth the hassle.

HazelBite · 23/03/2017 13:39

Never lend money unless you can afford (and are prepared) to lose it.

Just say until all that has previously borrowed by family members is paid back you do not have available funds to lend any more. Get your OH to tot up what is owed and put your foot down and say no more than that amount is to be "outstanding" at any one time.
In that way you are meeting him halfway, that you are prepared to loan but not a never ending amount.

ragz134 · 23/03/2017 13:40

Also £500 for a bed?! Unless you're rolling in money that's ridiculous... Why don't people save up for things any more?

Twopeapods · 23/03/2017 14:04

No way.
Option 1, tell him to ask PIL as they owe you that amount, so he will owe you it instead. Make clear you don't have it to spare. And say he didn't give you the £50 he already owes, so not willing to do anymore.

Option 2, tell them all that you have locked your money into a long term ISA where you can't withdraw the money without being penalised. I'm sure he can wait a few weeks for a new bed. And no longer give any financial assistance.

IamFriedSpam · 23/03/2017 14:06

YANBU. If he was going to be imminently homeless I'd lend it to him but it sounds like he just wants to buy a new bike or games console or something - that can wait!

MrsChopper · 23/03/2017 14:11

Noooo! No! No! They are taking the piss and you need to stand your ground now!

I also recommend BIL1 giving you the £200 he owes to his parents, that would pay half of what they owe you!

ThePants999 · 23/03/2017 14:20

BIL1 said we should have the rest of it in 2 weeks, but he also needs to pay back PIL who lent him 200. (Can't see how they can lend him 200 but can't pay us back??)

Tell BIL1 to pay it all to you - voila, that's his debt to the PILs paid off, and half the PILs' debt to you paid off.

Moanyoldcow · 23/03/2017 14:20

I am of the 'don't lend any money you can't afford to not get back' camp. I have some family in precarious positions. I sometimes get asked if they can 'borrow' money but I will only give it if I genuinely can afford to be without it and if I can't the answer is 'no'.

plainjanine · 23/03/2017 14:50

If you lend BIL2 the £400, he may pay you back when his student loan comes in, but that will run out early, presumably, because there'll be £400 gone from it before he's even got it, and then he'll be back wanting to do it again.

Thin end of an expensive wedge. Could you say to him that you can't afford it, but will do it as soon as PIL give you back the £400 they have borrowed? Maybe he'll go and put pressure on them?

TheNaze73 · 23/03/2017 15:27

YANBU. No way would I give them any more