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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not pick DS up

61 replies

AIBYOU · 22/03/2017 21:19

So DS (who has Aspergers and is Y10) announces on Monday that he has been invited to meal at friend's house tonight prior to sporting event tomorrow. 'Ok where is it?' Don't know. Tuesday still no address. Could be anywhere within several hundred square miles (private school so large catchment) So today he goes to school. No contact, we phone & SMS, etc., no reply.

Eventually DS calls at 8:30pm from landline. Apparently his mobile not working (he obviously could have called at say 6:30pm to let us know what was going on and what time things were finishing but this behaviour is not exactly unexpected from him). He's around 20 miles away. I give directions home (short walk to bus stop on different road, then bus every 10 minutes, then train then walk from station to our house.

I call back 2 minutes later as apparently buses are being diverted due to roadworks to say I'll call a taxi to the station from their house, as there's no reasonable public transport route. But somebody's already taking him to the station, which is around 15 minutes drive from their house. Apparently they didn't know about the bus diversions but didn't think it was a good idea for him to be looking for buses when he doesn't know the area.

Anyway, DW says IABU to not just go and pick him up and they shouldn't be put out dropping him off. AIBU?

OP posts:

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 22/03/2017 21:56

x-post with everyone

pilates · 22/03/2017 21:59

Of course you pick him up, it's called being a parent.

Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2017 22:02

I have a DS in Yr10 and I would have gone to pick him up. Because that's what you do.

Original poster

AIBYOU · 22/03/2017 22:04

Yes year 10, not 10 years old.

OP posts:

Megatherium · 22/03/2017 22:05

Of course you pick him up, it's called being a parent

A vital part of parenting involves letting your 15 year old son be independent and take responsibility for himself.

AnaisB · 22/03/2017 22:07

I think year 10 is old enough to use public transport. I presume the OP has a good understanding of how the son's ASD diagnosis might impact on the journey.

Did your son mind OP - how did they find the journey?

AnaisB · 22/03/2017 22:08

Of course you pick him up, it's called being a parent

We have very different ideas of parenting!

pilates · 22/03/2017 22:10

Meg, A vulnerable boy in an area not known to him in the dark, yet right? 🙄

Original poster

AIBYOU · 22/03/2017 22:10

Apparently it was actually arranged on Friday, and there was some discussion at school then of parents helping lifts from school to the house. He said (without checking) that we were busy. I said 'why did you say that - I always pick you up on Wednesday, if people are doing something for you you should make an effort to pitch in'

He said I didn't seem very happy to pick him up, I said it's not that I'm unhappy to pick you up, I just (as I already explained to him) object to you being rude and/or ungracious every time I do so.

OP posts:

WandaBack · 22/03/2017 22:13

I'm with Sparkling, it's what you do whether they are 10, 15 or older.
I would have picked him up.
I have picked up my teens from all over at all hours, it's just being kind.

Original poster

AIBYOU · 22/03/2017 22:14

"Did your son mind OP - how did they find the journey?"

He was quite happy when he got home. It wasn't a difficult journey because he just had a 10 minute train journey then a walk from the station that he's done hundreds of times.

He was less happy when I tried to explain to him that if everyone is going home at 8:45pm then it's not much good letting us know at 8:30pm when we are more than 30 minutes' drive away.

I also said he would need to contact us next time before the end of the school day (at the very latest) with the address and collection time otherwise he's not going.

OP posts:

Cheby · 22/03/2017 22:18

I don't think YABU. My DC are small and I'm usually seen as a bit of a soft touch, but I can't imagine dropping everything at zero notice to pick up a 15 year old who was perfectly capable of arranging a lift with me hours or even days earlier, but just didn't bother.

littleducks · 22/03/2017 22:20

I'm surprised with some of the responses up in are getting. You provided a journey details on the phone (checked it all running so discovered diversion) and wee in process of arranging taxi. That's not callous.

You were suporting his independence

witsender · 22/03/2017 22:36

That makes so much more sense! I couldn't get my wee little brain around the thought of a 10yr old out gawd knows where.

As you were.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/03/2017 22:40

Year 10 is 15/16 year olds isn't it? If he were NT I'd say, assuming the area wasn't notoriously dodgy and your DC had previous experience with public transport, you did exactly the right thing and that picking him up would have been avoiding an opportunity for growth.

Since he has aspergers I think as his parent you need to take into account whether he was likely to be at significant extra risk, or whether it was something he could cope with and would learn from. Which, as his parent, I assume you did. You're certainly in a better position to make that judgement than any stranger on an Internet forum.

RebootYourEngine · 23/03/2017 05:03

It sounds like you are trying to give him some independence which is a good thing because in a few years time with some help, support and guidance he could be out in the world working and living away from home.

pilates · 23/03/2017 07:11

Year 10 is 14/15 btw

gabsdot · 23/03/2017 07:20

I'm with you OP. He's old enough to manage a bus journey.
Hopefully it was a good learning experience. We can't always bail our kids out.

IamFriedSpam · 23/03/2017 07:32

YANBU. Presumably you know your son and what he's capable of. He's presumably 15 and can manage to find a bus and get on it. Doing as much as possible independently is great for kids.

IamFriedSpam · 23/03/2017 07:35

WandaBack That just seems odd - you'd drop everything to pick up a teenager who hadn't bothered to make arrangements in advance and is more than capable of getting a bus? Why? So your teenagers never take public transport?

AnyFucker · 23/03/2017 07:41

I have an equally disorganised son who drops things in us at the last minute

At 15, I would have raged about it but would have picked him up

Now he is 17, no

JessicaEccles · 23/03/2017 07:42

Yanbu! People with aspergers are not just vulnerable . I have always been brilliant at navigating public transport-it's other simpler things I have problems with.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2017 07:42

Actually I tell a lie. My husband would pick him up

LostSight · 23/03/2017 07:46

You explained the journey so he could manage it. Some kind parent decided to give him a lift to avoid the only part that might have been marginally complicated and he's now home safely. I'd sat that was a good lesson in self-sufficiency.

It's a judgement call you made, and the outcome suggests it was an appropriate.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/03/2017 07:48

I'm with you OP, a 15 year old should be perfectly capable of getting themselves home, and I wouldn't have picked up mine either when as you say, they could have arranged it ages ago rather than ask you last minute etc.

All those still ferrying around their teenagers at all hours, how are they going to manage in the real world when you aren't there to do it for them? Presumably they aren't going to live at home forever!

I joined the forces at 16, imagine if I'd never got bus home on my own by then....

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