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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My rules or their rules?

59 replies

lessthanBeau · 22/03/2017 15:10

Going on holiday over Easter, taking dn with us. We also have a DD, both girls are 8. Dn wears full face of makeup on days out and weekends at home, Aibu to say no make-up on holiday with us, even though her parents are fine with it? My own DD has no interest in it so not worried about DNS influence, however, I absolutely hate to see it, and I know other parents are looking and judging just like I am. I don't mind a little bit of mascara or eyeliner for her if we were eating out or at a disco but not during the day at theme parks etc. Also I don't want to be responsible for her getting it on and off her face, or having it rubbed into any of my caravan soft furnishing or bedding!
However she's not my child, dn won't kick up a fuss if I say no, but will tell parents that I didn't allow it. I don't want to be a meanie about it, wwyd?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2017 16:13

I'm really shocked an eight year old wears a full face of make up. I have a daughter, her and none of her friends or school mates wore a full face of make up at eight. In fact at nineteen most of them just put it on for nights out and at most a little foundation or bb cream and mascara during the day.

I'm not sure you can say something though to the parents without coming across as judgemental.

CheerfulMuddler · 22/03/2017 16:18

Oh Lord.

Like everyone else on this thread, I'd really hate this. But I don't think I'd try and stop her.

It's possible as someone said upthread that this is masking all sorts of alarming abuse/body-image problems. Or she might just be going through a phase of playing dress-up games and pretending to be a grown-up, and this time next year, it'll be all about something different. You don't know her reasons for it, and I worry that by making a big deal out of it, you might do more harm than good.

I might explain to DN that you won't be able to help her put her make up on and off, and that she'll have to be careful to take it off properly so it doesn't mess up the caravan, so it might be easier if she doesn't bother just while she's on holiday? Perhaps give a spiel about how much you're all enjoying not having to wear work clothes/school clothes and have a nice relaxed time together. But if she says she's happy to do it herself, I'd let her be.

CheerfulMuddler · 22/03/2017 16:20

I think part of looking after and going out in public with someone else/their child is accepting them (and judgey stare/comments). If it bothers you that much you shouldn't have offered to take her. It's not your place to make rules about DN appearance.

I agree with this too.

Morphene · 22/03/2017 16:23

OP as long as you don't wear make up then I think you can say 'its going to be low key so no need to bring any'.

If you are planning to wear make up then you are being hypocritical.

Original poster

lessthanBeau · 22/03/2017 16:25

tinfoil she wears it everyday she's not at school.
Dn will be coming on holiday regardless as parents won't have childcare otherwise, that will trump any makeup rules I have. It may end up being a non issue, she won't pack it herself, and I'll be unpacking her gear, hopefully I'll just be able to say it's not here! Just wondered what people would suggest in the same situation. I feel that people should make their own choices regarding their kids, however not sure how it stands when you're loco in parentis so to speak and out in public!

OP posts:

Original poster

lessthanBeau · 22/03/2017 16:32

No I don't wear makeup unless going out in an evening.
So when we come back after Easter hols, if any of you have seen a family out and about with an 8 yr old with a face full of slap, just remember I'm acting on your advice in letting her get on with it so don't be judging me

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 22/03/2017 16:32

I have a similar scenario with dniece who is 8 and plucks her eyebrows (well mother does) and wears makeup. I let dd (also 8) wear it in the house, but she is not allowed to in public.

If I were in your position, I would say that 'my rules are blah blah when it comes to makeup' and 'you look beautiful without it'. I think that's fine. I would not lie that the makeup just 'isn't there'. Let her wear in the house, play around with it or whatever. I would also make sure to give her A LOT of compliments when she isn't wearing it.

It is not bodyshaming. It is makeup shaming. And that is fine for small children. She shouldn't feel like she needs it to look nice. That's incredibly sad.

EmeraldScorn · 22/03/2017 16:34

An 8 year old wearing foundation? I don't have the words!

My now teen/adult nieces loved playing dress up (involving make up, usually my expensive stuff, ahh) at that age but it was limited to lip gloss, eye-shadow and blusher - Indoors only, they weren't allowed out in it.

I can't imagine having let them use mascara or foundation though but I suppose it's really up to your niece's parents. If they are happy that she brings make up on holiday with her, then there's no real harm I suppose.

TiredohsoTired · 22/03/2017 16:38

No 8 year old girl in my care would be wearing a full face of make up. No fucking way. You'll be doing her a favour by letting her be a child for the week.

Yep, pretty much how I feel as well.

squashytoes · 22/03/2017 16:44

It's really not your place to refuse her taking makeup or question whether she can leave it behind.

I don't agree with a child that young covering their face in makeup, but if her parents are ok with it and its something she does most days, it's really not your place to start trying to stop her. I think you just need to let it go and leave her be if you are taking her on holiday.

MerryMarigold · 22/03/2017 16:46

It's really not your place to refuse her taking makeup or question whether she can leave it behind

Why not? If she is allowed fizzy drinks everyday then should be allowed to bring them and drink them? If she is allowed to swear at home, should OP just say that's her parents rules.

Whenever MN has a thread it's always 'your house, your rules'. Why is this different?

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2017 16:50

Not your child so not your place to say anything about wearing make-up.

I would however be speaking to my sibling, not DN, to ask if there are issues with self-esteem and how you can help. Just tell them you are worried about image issues leading to bigger problems down the road during the teenage years.

TheOnlyColditz · 22/03/2017 16:50

Let her bring it and make damned sure that there is no time for her to put any on, and if she does, tell her she needs to wash her face before she goes outside.

Brighteyes27 · 22/03/2017 16:52

This make up business at 8 is unreasonable. The parents and the kid need to give themselves a good shake. Personally I would be embarrassed to be seen with or in charge of an 8 year old in full make up totally unnecessary!!! I would just discourage her from wearing it by saying up front in discussions about what she needs to bring say something like we're very casual and relaxed on holiday and it's very outdoorsy x will need some warm and waterproof clothing, casual clothes and no need to bring any make up with her where we're going. If they don't take the hint up to you but I would just say well their is really no need and I would be happier if she left her make up at home if she's coming on holiday with us.
My DD is 12 and only very occasionally puts natural coloured lip gloss on to go into town or for a special night out I.e. School disco and that's about it.

Porpoiselife · 22/03/2017 16:53

If you are planning to wear make up then you are being hypocritical.

Ummm not really because she is a CHILD. Age 8.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 22/03/2017 16:53

Eight? EIGHT?!?!?!

ginnybag · 22/03/2017 16:57

There is something just a little bit odd about this, to me.

It's personal opinion, but I just can't gel with the idea of a little girl needing adult trappings that way. I can't put my finger on why it bothers me so much, but it does.

That said, I'm probably being hypocritical, because DD (7) will quite regularly ask and be allowed to wear lipgloss and the odd bit of eyeshadow at parties and the like, so I'm allowing the same thing, just to a lesser amount.

I wouldn't be happy, OP, and I'd be engineering a way to 'lose it' for the duration if it wouldn't upset her. A lot of mid-morning swimming, perhaps?

Brighteyes27 · 22/03/2017 16:59

I don't know where this kids got her ideas on if my DD wanted to wear full make up every day for age 12 I would put the block on it for a number of reasons even at 12 never mind 8 !!!! Similarly if DD wanted to go out in a padded bra, thong knickers and suspenders (adult clothes) I would similarly say no at 8 or 12!!!

5moreminutes · 22/03/2017 17:04

I rather think I'd go with saying no because it will surely wash off in the pool and contaminate the water as well as looking horrible (or she'll be trying to keep her face dry and unable to have fun) But as I never wear make up this may not actually be true!

I let my pre teen wear mascara even though it makes no sense to me as she has dark lashes anyway... but I do think it is her right to experiment with make up if she so wishes - but foundation? Surely nobody needs that unless they have acne or scaring or want to hide signs of ageing? It certainly sounds ott pre puberty.

Pencilvester · 22/03/2017 17:17

Tough one. I don't think I would say anything to the child but would definitely have a chat with the parents.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 22/03/2017 17:22

If you are planning to wear make up then you are being hypocritical.

WTF? So if I wear make-up, wear a thong, drink wine and drive a car I should let my 8 year old niece do the same so as not to be a hypocrite? Now I've heard it all!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2017 17:23

It's bizarre your Dn is so fixated on makeup. My dd (8) dances and she wears full face makeup for the shows. This is standard. Hardly ever asks when we go out on an occasion such as restaurant/wedding etc. I let her wear a little bit of eyeshadow and lipstick for events if she asks. Definitely no blusher, foundation etc. She and her friends have made each other up for fun. In the bedroom. She's a child and a long way from a teenager. She already looks at least 10. With dance makeup, she looks 12. And I don't want people to assume she's 4 years older than her true age.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2017 17:25

Oh I meant to say, do what you feel is right and makes you feel comfortable. I wouldn't be comfortable being responsible for an 8 year old with full face makeup. And I'd possibly use the angle with the parents that it makes her look too old and you are concerned about unwanted attention or something.

Original poster

lessthanBeau · 22/03/2017 17:59

She comes on holiday with us a lot, last year we were in Spain, she didn't fetch any make-up but wanted our older DNS to make her up for the evening which was fine the older DNS were 14/15 and told her in no uncertain terms that foundation and contouring was not for her, and just did her make up very lightly which she was happy with, however we are a year on now, the big girls won't be with us and the daily wearing of makeup has increased, which is why I'm wondering what to say about it this time, she wears it whatever the occasion so can't even use the dressed down day excuse, when on holiday with parents we see pics of her makeup running down her face in the pool too, so as you see they aren't bothered about it, they're so relaxed about it I end up feeling like maybe I'm being ott about my feeling towards it.
Also I'd like to point out that it seems more of a get dressed up and pretend to be grown up rather than feeling she needs it to look pretty iyswim.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2017 18:04

She can't wear makeup around the pool. She will need sunscreen. Makeup will prevent this and she risks getting burnt. I'd perhaps allow light makeup for the evening if she must. But as I said, I'd tell the parents I was concerned with being in charge of a child, who due to the makeup, looks so much older than her age and would be discouraging her taking anything beyond eyeshadow and lipstick/gloss.

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