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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive another strange lie

57 replies

NinaBiina · 22/03/2017 09:11

My boyfriend of 8 months has been lying to me about his age-I'm in my early 20's and he told me he was 30. We met through work, the age gap had never bothered me, I don't actually notice it. He left his passport at mine after stopping by on the way home from the airport-I flicked it open and discovered he's been lying about the year he was born (he's actually 31) and the date (which I really don't understand) I.e said he was born in May but actually August? He's told me a few silly lies before about past relationships, his parents etc-and is very apologetic and admits he was an idiot for doing so. Am I being a fool to continue to see someone who seems to find lying so easy?

OP posts:

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 22/03/2017 09:43

I would leave him.

I had a boyfriend years ago who was maybe a compulsive or pathological liar. He lied about completely trivial and random things, along the lines of claiming to be from Norfolk when really he was from Suffolk. There is so much he told me that I still have no idea whether it's true or not. Looking back I don't feel like I ever knew him at all or really had a relationship with him. He just seemed to think he lived in a different reality to me (which also made it OK in his view to cheat on me).

Do you think you could ever really be happy with someone like that? If not leave him.

Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 22/03/2017 09:44

As pp's have said the lies will get bigger and there is no reasoning with someone with that mindset, you will always be second guessing him and yourself

keeponkeeponkeepon · 22/03/2017 09:46

My DH told me he was 40. He was 41. I was almost 30.

He told me himself a few dates in when we were chatting about our past. I laughed and said that was the lamest lie but he said he thought 41 sounded so much worse.

The difference is though, he told me on his own volition as he didn't want to lie to me. It also wasn't with a history of lies and believe me, he had stuff you would be very tempted to hide.

If your OH lies about small stuff how are you going to ever trust him. I would LTB. Sorry.

MrsChopper · 22/03/2017 09:49

Run for the hills! If he can't be honest about trivial things like this, you can expect the lies to get bigger and bigger as your relationship progresses.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/03/2017 09:52

Nina, seriously, run for the hills.
I have, in the past, had a lying toad of a boyfriend, so very devious, but clever, took me some time to figure it out.
He lied about minor trivialities, he told great big stonking lies, but also mundane lies. Get out now.

keeponkeeponkeepon · 22/03/2017 09:53

I've have also worked with a pathological liar. They were astonishing. Just the most huge web of lies built up. Which house they lived in, car crashes, name of husband, accused local shop of stealing her money, illnesses. The incredible thing was she never stopped. Even when confronted with the undeniable truth, she kept up with the lie. It was just mind blowing. She got away with so much, and conned so many people. She was very disarming and likeable but nothing she said was true. She left a trail of devastation in her wake. Mainly people who were conned out of money but also broken up about the friendship not being genuine.

When she left our work it took ages to get morale and relationships back to normal. I was broken hearted. I thought we were great friends.

BaldricksTrousers · 22/03/2017 10:01

My father constantly lied about his age, to his wife (my mother) and even to me. We never found out his real age until he died.

He was also a serial liar and cheater. So I'd look out.

Sundance01 · 22/03/2017 10:05

If this was just his age - it would be no biggie - I spent a year telling people I was a year older then I was - not lying just stupidity - but this isn't, it is regular lying.

Do you think you can trust what he says?

If not there is no future in the relationship.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/03/2017 10:09

If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. You can't change him and you can't fix this. I'd end the relationship.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 22/03/2017 10:12

I couldn't be bothered trying to second guess lies and truths all the time, its not what a happy relationship is meant to be about. On the other hand DH is always forgetting how old he is, taking about 3 years off and having to ask me how old he is all the time lol

deadringer · 22/03/2017 10:15

I hate liars so it would be a dealbreaker for me.

BillSykesDog · 22/03/2017 10:17

Is he not British originally? If so it's not necessarily untrue. People from some countries don't know their exact age so when they are given a passport they are assigned an imprecise one. I believe that usually gives an August birthday.

dowhatnow · 22/03/2017 10:18

Yep trust is the foundation stone if any good relationship. Without this the whole relationship is wobbly and not worthwhile.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 22/03/2017 10:20

If he lies for no reason there is a big problem - and this is what he did - I would get rid if I was you. I am the voice of experience sadly.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/03/2017 10:26

Why date someone you know to be a compulsive liar?

SuperFlyHigh · 22/03/2017 10:26

BillSykes agreed re the age and date of birth but despite that he's told OP some other lies.

AliceByTheMoon · 22/03/2017 10:35

Yes, I know someone who seems to just make a habit out of lying- seems to suck alot of people in so they do things for her to help her out.

I have been on the receiving end of a few lies - mainly little ones designed to get me to pick up her slack or to give her some benefit in some way. But I have just found out she has managed to get a mutual friend into subbing the school fees for a term because her ex apparently 'refuses' to pay. I have no evidence, but given everything else she lies about (and knowing her ex very well indeed) I just have my doubts.

Red flags. Red flags, OP.

lizzyj4 · 22/03/2017 10:41

My exh is a compulsive liar. I knew it before we got together, so have only myself to blame. Most of his lies were so small and pointless (and he did it with everyone not just me) that it just seemed like an annoying habit. But be aware that lies build up over the years, you will never know for certain what is truth and what is a lie, and if he lies about everything else, he'll start lying about you too. Again, most of the lies will be so small it will seem petty to complain, but over time, they build up and it can really change the way other people see you.

NavyandWhite · 22/03/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatterdemalionAspie · 22/03/2017 11:08

How on earth do you even need to ask this question?? I despair of people, I really do.

Do you want to be in a relationship with a liar?
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you can't trust to tell you the truth?
Do you expect that he'll suddenly, magically stop lying to you? Or will you end up on here in years to come bemoaning the fact that he's lied and deceived you, and you can't understand how it's all happened?

unlucky83 · 22/03/2017 11:34

Another saying get out if you aren't already really attached/committed.
I know it makes life a lot harder...it is really hard to trust someone who has lied to you - even over minor thing. In my case not a complete deal breaker (I guess I was already too committed and I understand) but still - walk away if you can.

DP lies. He had a terrible, abusive childhood. His family lived in a different country and most are NC with each other. He told lies to people about his background when he was a teen/early 20s because he was embarrassed. So when I first met him I was told the lies he told everyone then gradually found out the truth.
Probably the biggest - he told me he was mixed race - his mother was white. (he was NC so I would never meet her etc). I'd been with him a couple of years and it never came up again until I was pregnant and was talking about what DC would look like. And he didn't correct me...
Then a couple of years later, he decided he would get in touch with his mum - she sent a photo. I said she doesn't look white and he confessed- she wasn't. I know why he lied at first (it explains a couple of things) and the second time he was embarrassed to admit he'd lied and didn't think it was important. And to me it wasn't that important. But DC's ethnic origins on their medical records were wrong...
On top of that he told small lies to get out of trouble/ avoid a beating as a child and for years that was default - but he is much better now. And I can tell when he is lying - so 'we seem to be a plate missing - do you know where it is?' No. are you sure? 'Ok - I broke it.' Fine...
I've been with him 25 yrs - without a doubt not being able to believe him sometimes has caused problems - some times quite major ones. And he knows I struggle to believe him sometimes -and I would rather he was honest than lied...about anything.

GeorgiePeachie · 22/03/2017 12:04

My ex lied about his name, his age, his birthday, all in an effort to keep his distance. all of the red flags.

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/03/2017 12:08

My husband genuinely does forget his real age and has it wrong by a year. I then always say 1967 so it makes you ---- oh yes he says.

But he does know what month and day though so it does seem odd that he'd lie about May rather than August!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/03/2017 12:19

He is a compulsive liar and will continue to lie

Someone people it just becomes a way of life but how can you build a trusting relationship when you are never sure if they are telling the truth or not

I am not sure it's always down to deceive but they are the one who know the truth and they have power in that

53rdAndBird · 22/03/2017 12:21

He'll probably tell you that he'd never lie to you about things that really matter. My ex did that. And it was, surprise surprise, another lie.

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