To feel pissed off with the way things are

[AprilTheGiraffe]

I probably am. I feel angry just now. This will probably be inarticulate nonsense because I'm tired but I know what I'm trying to say...

I have a growing bugbear about work being such a dominant aspect of my life and the lives of people in general. We spend so much of our time there. Not enough holidays, not enough time, not enough hours in the day.

I feel like everyone I know is stressed out, skint, unhappy. Life is just dominated by work. Shite bosses who don't want to understand. Commuting in bad traffic. Unpaid overtime (or being penalised and put at the bottom of the pile because you have kids in nursery and can't do it, like me). Not being able to stop worrying or thinking about it when you get home.

Housework when you can squeeze it in. Drudgery on top of fucking drudgery. Not enough hours in the day. Brexit. Independence. Just pressure and worry from everywhere. I wish it would all just fuck off and leave me alone.

Of course I'm sure not everyone feels this way and it's just me. I'm going through a phase just now where I'm very unhappy in my job. I am going on mat leave in a few months and I don't want to go back. But for various reasons I am utterly trapped with nowhere else to go and we can't afford for me to stay at home. So I have no option but to stay put and keep going.

I want to start up my own business but I can't because I simply don't have time. Workload at actual work is so heavy that I need to work a lot of nights once DD is asleep to keep up (I reduced my hours when I had DD and whilst my time in the office and lay reduced accordingly, my workload didn't). If I'm not doing that, I'm doing housework.

The OP has worries that are weighing very heavily, there's no doubt about that. And maybe there is an injustice there that I contribute to that could be changed. But how would I know? The OP hasn't identified any ways to change - that attitude is that everything is just a bit hopeless. I agree that injustices and difficulties should be pointed out but it should also be acknowledged how lucky we are to live where we do. We should realise that actually unlike a huge proportion of the world's population, when things are bad like this we can actually do something about it.

'I get it. Every person I speak to tells me they're tired. I'm tired too. I'm also tired of people telling me they're tired. There's no work/life balance and hardly anyone is happy. I think we'll look back at these times and call it a depression.'

Maybe it's a sort of communal depression (in the MH sense of the word)? I think if people who lived through the 1930s and WWII could see how we live now they'd be amazed and think we have it very easy. But the things they fought for aren't enough - we're still not happy. Why? Is it Trump and Brexit?

I agree that injustices and difficulties should be pointed out but it should also be acknowledged how lucky we are to live where we do.

Indeed, it is a balancing act.

We should realise that actually unlike a huge proportion of the world's population, when things are bad like this we can actually do something about it.

We can, and as pp suggested through the medium of quote we can best enact change through working together. Which in no small part requires listening to each other "moan". Listening and really hearing is just as important as action.

Sometimes, you cannot see the wood for the trees when you are feeling so low. Been there myself an teetering on that downward spiral again.

All you can do is your best.

Yeah I agree with whoever said your husband needs to step up and earn more. That's the answer to happiness, I find.

I've always said I don't know how people manage working full time and bringing up a family.
Would it really matter if you get passed over for promotion if you stick to realistic hours? I know it's not ideal but something has to give. You seem to want it all, as we all do, but if it's really affecting you mentally, you have to give up on some of your dreams - be that a promotion, a nicely decorated house, the nice area etc. Unfortunately things will only change if you make those changes, and it's only you who can make the decision and come to terms with the sacrifices.

I have made career decisions to remove stress in my life. There are negatives to that as well as positives, but I'm lucky in that DH earns enough that we still have a nice living. It must be so hard when you are feeling you are only just treading water as it is.

'We can, and as pp suggested through the medium of quote we can best enact change through working together. Which in no small part requires listening to each other "moan". Listening and really hearing is just as important as action.'

I agree. But I also think that moaning can become a comfort blanket - a place for people to retreat to where they can convince themselves they can't change anything. I agree that difficulties should be pointed out and listened to but I also think self-defeating beliefs should be pointed out. It serves the status quo very well to have a paralysed population who feel they can do nothing.

I could have written your post

But the things they fought for aren't enough - we're still not happy. Why? Is it Trump and Brexit?

Well the things they fought for are crumbling into nothing. I think people were unhappy before Brexit and trump. The recession and increased house prices may have been the start down this slope. The banks gave people what they wanted for years, throwing wads of cash out and then suddenly stopped. When you get used to relying on something and it's taken away, you go into withdrawal and it's tough and you try to find something to lay the blame on. This is what I think happened.

The banks gave people what they wanted for years, throwing wads of cash out and then suddenly stopped. When you get used to relying on something and it's taken away, you go into withdrawal and it's tough and you try to find something to lay the blame on.

No. The banks and credit rating agencies sold known worthless loans on to other banks who bought them hoping to do the same. When the music stopped they demanded bailouts, saying they were too big to fail.

We've kept our lives fairly simple. And we have no money / no career pressure. But we also can't afford to buy a house or have children.

Most of my friends are on the treadmill; massive mortgage, debt, childcare, cars... Both working / commuting. High pressure 24/7.

I think, in my parents' day, being middle class, having a job, one parent at home, free-time after work / weekend, holidays was the ideal.

I agree with the OP. When I was on maternity leave I didn't want to go back to work, hubby on OK salary but he did say that it was fine not to go back to work but we would have to sell my car and wouldn't be able to have holidays. I have gone back to work part-time, and spend all of my time working/house work/childcare duties and feel the same as OP. I'm hoping it will start improving as my daughter gets older (she's now 7) and can do things for herself more or help.

Is some of it a case of expecting too much? I mean, life is just hard, that's how it is no matter what government is in. There is a lot of repetitive hard work. But there are a lot of good things too.

I have never felt the future is as bleak as now. I've been clinically depressed in the past and that was different: I'm not depressed now, but I am far less hopeful than I have ever been. Brexit is a huge part of that, but it's not just Brexit.
I honestly think if I didn't yet have dc, I would be loath to start TTC now. I feel almost guilty some days about the world my dc are growing up in and how difficult I think their futures will be.

I think people see previous generations who could have a house and a car and a SAHM parent on a fairly average salary and want the same, when that kind of lifestyle generally isn't possible anymore.

You have to sacrifice. Nice house but no holidays, or money for material things but less family time, a long commute for more money but which also means overtime and long hours.

We have a tiny house in a relatively poor, working class town. We could have more, but we'd never get time together and we would ultimately be much more miserable as a result.

Years ago (pre children) I had to take a step back and look at life differently.

I had the opportunity to pursue a career in a company I was already employed in. It would mean a substantial raise but working from home and weekends and I would have to be commited to the company.

Or stay in the role I was in and stay on the same salary. I realised I could take on other jobs outside the company and get paid the same as I would have got in a lot more pleasant environment (as a bar maid at my local).

I would suggest sitting down with your dh and discussing that returning to work after ML in the current role of work work work was not working for you and decide a plan from there.

Get all your incomings and outgoings together to see how you can rejig it to find what salary you would need to keep going. Then look to see if you could get an alternative less stressful job that when you leave work your evenings are free.

Friend was in a similar situation. She found that working 5 days per week stacking shelves and working in a supermarket + 4 shifts as a waitress brought near enough the same money in but the stress levels went down, she left work at work. She too wanted to start her own business and now has the time to start doing stuff.

As dowhatnow said. Would it be such a hardship for you to miss out on promotions.

My boss is presently listening to a training program about a new demand to submit four tax returns a year... She is saying she doesn't want to do accounts any more!!

Financially, life is definitely more of a struggle for many of us than it was a generation ago and, in the South of England, the bottom line is housing costs. I'm in my 40s and when I was young my parents could afford a five bedroom house in London and foreign holidays on a single salary. My husband and I can afford a three bedroom house in similar area of London with him full time at the same kind of professional level that my father was on at similar age and me 24 hours a week on an average (for London) wage and we haven't had a foreign holiday for 10 years. There is also more pressure to have and do things now than when I was a child. I don't think I am particularly materialistic but I like to dress well and my mum spent hardly any money on clothes, haircuts and makeup. My children do a number of sports activities they love but which are quite expensive and I didn't do any activities.

'Financially, life is definitely more of a struggle for many of us than it was a generation ago and, in the South of England, the bottom line is housing costs. I'm in my 40s and when I was young my parents could afford a five bedroom house in London and foreign holidays on a single salary. My husband and I can afford a three bedroom house in similar area of London with him full time at the same kind of professional level that my father was on at similar age and me 24 hours a week on an average (for London) wage and we haven't had a foreign holiday for 10 years. There is also more pressure to have and do things now than when I was a child. I don't think I am particularly materialistic but I like to dress well and my mum spent hardly any money on clothes, haircuts and makeup. My children do a number of sports activities they love but which are quite expensive and I didn't do any activities.'

That's what I mean about expectations. I've had friends complain they can't afford a holiday but they think nothing of spending £200 a month on clothes, drinks, etc. If they saved that £200 for a year they would be able to afford a very very good holiday!

"There is also more pressure to have and do things now than when I was a child."

I definitely agree with this. My parents were quite well-off but I never did any activities, and only a handful of my friends did activities after school or at weekends. Nowadays, it seems that every kid does 2-3 activities a week, and even if it's "only" £5 a week, that soon adds up, especially when you have 2+ children doing them, and you need to buy kit, equipment, clothing or whatever on top of the class fees.

My mum rarely bought new clothes or make-up/perfume. She had her hair done regularly but that was it - no manicures/waxing/pedicures - everything was done at home unless it was a treat for her birthday or something. My dad's hobby was free - running! I don't think it ever occurred to him to take up a hobby that cost money - no spending hundreds on bikes, computers, specialist kit, weekends away...

Life is definitely much more materialistic these days.

Yanbu. I hear you and often feel similar.

Hermione my folks were the same as yo describe! Also, there wasn't the same pressure to eat out. I grew up in North Yorkshire in the 1980s and people ate out v infrequently and as a special treat. They certainly didn't have access to the same range of casual eateries and child friendly eateries as people do these days. So there was no spending or pressure to spend on that. I didn't eat out in a restaurant until I was about 8 or 9. There was also less spending on travel. It was v common to go on hol just once a year (if you were lucky!) and within the UK.

YY definitely.

I think we were quite unusual in that we holidayed abroad a lot, but that was our only "indulgence". I was born in the late 80's but even so, I didn't have a computer at home until I was 12 and even then it was a big PC in the family room. I didn't have my own TV or computer until I left home and bought them myself.

The idea of eating out weekly/monthly, going to softplay every week, having several TV's or things like SKY was foreign. As was takeaway coffee, trips to the zoo or beach more than once or twice a year. Even though we had the money, it just didn't occur to my parents to do that kind of thing on a regular basis.

I wonder how much money people spend on these things without really thinking that it's unecessary - it's just become the norm and therefore they don't consider going without.

Thank you for the replies. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

On a personal level, I can't really argue with the personal responsibility point. I actually do believe if life is getting you down, you do what you can to fix it. The problem is that I haven't figured that out yet. If I can limp my way to mat leave, maybe I can take the time to figure it out then.

Yanbu.