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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go?

35 replies

Lovetolaugh123 · 22/03/2017 08:04

I'm pregnant with 1st baby. It's DSis birthday & she's having a little party/family gathering at her house at the weekend.
Her DH smokes in their house (they don't have DC) so I don't really want to go!
I know DSis will have had a word with him about going outside to smoke while they have guests round for her party, but I know that the house will smell of cigarette smoke anyway & I don't want to breathe it in!
They've also just got a dog & I'm allergic to dog hair, so was hoping to avoid that too!
I'd feel awful not going to her birthday party, and I don't really know how to broach the subject with her. AIBU if I don't go?
I could just make an excuse for not going & then take her out somewhere the week after to make it up to her, but I don't really want to lie.
And I feel like this will be an ongoing issue now, as I'm definitely not going to want to take my baby there once he/she is born. How will I explain that I never want to go round? Should I just be honest - I can't make excuses for the rest of our lives! But feel uncomfortable preaching to them what they should/shouldn't do in their own home, & I don't want to cause problems between DSis and her DH!

OP posts:

BewtySkoolDropowt · 22/03/2017 08:10

Use the dog allergy as your reason not to go. Say you have become even more sensitive during pregnancy and you are reeeeally sorry but you'll have to give it a miss.

Saying it's because of the smoking should be blaming them. Dog allergy is no one's fault.

MrsTwix · 22/03/2017 08:13

I think the problem with that is you then face, oh, but we will put the dog in the other room, clean the carpets etc

OliviaBenson · 22/03/2017 08:29

I think you just need to be honest. It can hardly be a surprise to her, passive smoking etc is well known.

Original poster

Lovetolaugh123 · 22/03/2017 08:32

Using the dog as the excuse is a good idea, but I do think she'll say he'll be out of the way, I'll clean etc etc.
I feel really bad because she'll be gutted if I don't go to her party, & it'll really hurt her when she realises I'm avoiding going round to her house full stop!

OP posts:

Meekonsandwich · 22/03/2017 19:35

Please please please if you decide not to go, which in your shoes I wouldn't go either, make the effort to see her in a different place and have coffee and chat or something. Don't Just go "oh no I can't come round sorry" and never arrange anything else. I had a friend like this and she never ever made the effort and always used "you have a dog, I'm allergic" (which would be fair enough had she not then gone out and got a dog and lo and behold not been allergic) and it was so sad and our friendship just fizzled out because she never made the effort.

Just a thought

OwlinaTree · 22/03/2017 19:42

I don't think it will do the baby any harm if you spend a few hours in a smoky room. However, I really found the smell of ciggies nauseating when I was pg.

Bringmewineandcake · 22/03/2017 20:09

Depending on the severity of your allergic reactions I think you should go, sorry. You don't have to stay in the room where people are smoking, and the smell itself isn't likely to hurt you. You say yourself that your sister would be upset if you missed the party. I think you should put yourself out now, and save your excuses for not going to their house for when baby is here.

ThePiglet59 · 22/03/2017 20:15

People are allowed to smoke in their own homes, but others are allowed not to go and visit them. The smell of a smoker's house is disgusting and I would hate to have to wash baby's clothes every time I visited.

BackforGood · 22/03/2017 20:21

I think you might as well be honest now - you can't keep making excuses for the rest of your life.
You can blame the pregnancy - just explain that your sense of small has become really heightened, and that the tiniest wiff of cigarette smoke wants to make you throw up now.
But I agree to you saying...... so shall we go for a bite to eat one evening next week? or whatever, instead.

Original poster

Lovetolaugh123 · 25/03/2017 08:33

Thanks for your replies & advice.
I've told DSis that I'm not going to her party - as much as I want to be there on her birthday with all the family I just can't make myself go. Might be being irrational but I'll be worrying about the smoke & won't enjoy myself.
I said I wasn't going because of my dog allergies, which didn't go down too well - she promised to clean up/hoover to get rid of any dog hairs & even said she could arrange for the dog to be out for the duration of the party (her friend would take him to hers).
When I said I still couldn't go she was annoyed & said she was trying her best to accommodate me, & basically said I was acting like a bit of a precious princess (which is how I felt I was coming across tbf!)
So I brought up the smoking - she just kind of shut me down & said fine, I understand & you obviously don't want to be round here. I could tell she was annoyed/upset.
I offered to take her out for lunch on Tuesday (her day off) but she declined. I made it clear that she was always welcome round at my house, & me not going round to hers didn't mean we wouldn't see each other anymore - but she was just like yeah, ok (off with me).
I'll leave it for a few days & then see how she is, but have I handled it all wrong?

OP posts:

MegCleary · 25/03/2017 08:40

Are you close to her?

PeridotPeridot · 25/03/2017 08:46

I would just have gone tbh. Unless you're locked in a room full of chainsmokers with closed doors, it's unlikely to do you or baby any harm for the sake of a short time (actually, even if so it wouldn't).

Taking the baby there is another matter as I wouldn't take a baby (or even my dc now who are much older) into a house where someone was smoking...but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Original poster

Lovetolaugh123 · 25/03/2017 09:12

Yeah we're close, so I do feel bad now.
I know I should have just gone to the party, but every time I think right, get over yourself & just get round there, I'm also thinking noooo I can't sit there breathing in smoke & potentially damaging my baby!
I know I'm being very dramatic & it probably won't do us any harm, but I can't help it! Plus my DH doesn't want us to go for the smoking reason, so I know I just wouldn't feel happy/comfortable being there.
I guess I just have to suck it up & deal with the consequences of my decision now! I get why she's annoyed, she's took it as me saying 'your house isn't good enough for me now I'm pregnant' which is basically what I'm saying, but in the nicest possible way!

OP posts:

Sammysilver · 25/03/2017 09:20

I do think you're being precious. A few hours in that setting won't harm the baby. And it's your sister who you're close to. Not too late to renege on your decision if you're regretting it. I think your sister would be delighted.

elessar · 25/03/2017 09:24

Yes I think you're being very precious and I'm not surprised she's very hurt - a bit of a residual smell of cigarette smoke (given that he won't be smoking in the house when people are there and I'm assuming she will have cleaned everything up and aired the house) would do you or the baby absolutely no harm.

It's your choice, but I'd expect this to seriously damage your relationship with her if this continues to be your stance and you refuse to ever visit her house again.

PeridotPeridot · 25/03/2017 09:30

she's took it as me saying 'your house isn't good enough for me now I'm pregnant' which is basically what I'm saying, but in the nicest possible way!

There's no nice way to say that! You're bound to piss someone off if that's how you've come across.

Has the party passed? If so, I would go round with some wine, tell her you're very uncertain because it's your first dc and can see you'e completely overreacted about the smoking and apologise.

If the party hasn't gone yet, I would turn up to the party and do the above.

SayNoToCarrots · 25/03/2017 09:33

I don't think you are being precious. I wouldn't want to sit in a smoked-in house at all, pregnant or not. It wouldn't be a one time thing, she is your sister, so you have to make it clear that now you have another set of lungs to protect, her home is not a suitable environment for you.

Dozer · 25/03/2017 09:33

Seems precious and over anxious to be this worried about passive smoking, for a short time. If you go outdoors by main roads etc you and the baby when s/he arrives will inhale far, far more chemicals.

confusedandemployed · 25/03/2017 09:34

Sorry I think your sister was right. All this sounds a bit preshus to me.

Original poster

Lovetolaugh123 · 25/03/2017 09:36

Even if I was to go to the party this time, I feel like I'd be appeasing her for a little while, & then we'd have to go through the same conversation again once the baby is here.
I don't know, I agree that I'm being precious but feel like my mind's made up now. I just wish she'd accepted my decision & been fine about it, & would let me make it up to her on Tuesday!

OP posts:

SookiesSocks · 25/03/2017 09:37

YABU.

You breath in more crap walking down the street OP.
Maybe you should just stay indoors forever.

If he was going to smoke in the house I would say YANBU.
You also need to tell your sister that once the baby is here you will not be taking him/her to visit their home. Best get it out of the way now to save more fall out later.

Gillian1980 · 25/03/2017 09:37

Yanbu.

My dd is 20 months and I've been to my dads house twice I think since finding out as was pregnant, because he smokes.

He lives 5 mins away and I've always been a very regular visitor but I was blunt and said I couldn't have myself or my dd in a smokers house, even if he didn't smoke while we were there.

Third hand smoke is thought to be dangerous and on top of that the smell is vile.

He took no offence and he simply comes to our house instead. Never once been an issue!

Lifeisdinky · 25/03/2017 09:41

Agree sister was right - most people don't like smell/ potential impacts of smoke but in life it is unavoidable - walking down the street past groups smoking outside offices , bars etc, how will you deal with that when out with little one?.
Your sister is hurt and upset and rightly or wrongly thinks you will never cross the threshold of her home again.

Agadooo · 25/03/2017 09:43

Have to say if I was your sister I'd think you were being very precious too and be annoyed about it-dog wouldn't be there and nobody would be smoking in the house-a few hours would have been fine - car fumes n pollution are outside if you go a walk and some people smoke but doesn't mean you can't be around them. I'd understand if they were smoking in the room you're in but they're not. Hope you make up soon.

Bantanddec · 25/03/2017 09:43

Don't go then.

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