Am I being selfish?

[wildthingsmummy]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being selfish...

DH and I were talking hypothetically about the future, and what might happen when our parents are elderly.

(As background, MIL is mid-70s. DH is an only child)

Basically DH wants MIL to live with us eventually, but I'm not prepared to be her carer (and it will be down to me, because I'm a SAHM and DH works full-time). Now he's really grumpy and I feel bad, but I don't see why I should HYPOTHETICALLY care for an elderly lady.

Am I being selfish?

CwandriI
would totally have any or all of them to live with me if they needed it. I think this is just good social responsibility. It is about being a good citizen and treating our elderly with the respect they deserve after they look after us through child hood.

I think you have an idealistic, rose-tinted view of how looking after an elderly parent really involves.
I'm sure those who have had experience will be along to tell you what it really involves

YANBU there is no way in hell id have my fil move in, had him here for 6 weeks and another time 11 weeks after medical issues/procedures. For my own sanity, never again! Hes 73 and no doubt will outlive us all anyway!

My mum's in her 80s and widowed now. When I go to see her, I stay for the day and when I leave I feel as though I'm in my 80s, too. I think it would be very hard to live happily with someone who's a different generation to you. I don't think it would take long for you to become the child in the relationship, doing what you're told, while still doing all the work.

I didn't have children so they could be my carer in old age. I hope they put me in a nursing home when the time comes.
I want them to enjoy their lives.

Nursing homes cost a fortune plus I'd seriously look down on someone who dumped their elderly parents in one and left them to it. My parents didn't have me to care for them, but I would, I've got a heart, love them and want the best for them, they've done so much for me over the years. I've lived a good life, travelled, been to uni, if I can't give up a few years to help care for them I'm a pretty selfish person, IMO. (And they'd never ask, they'd say go live your life!). I've seen my dream house, 300+ miles away, but even though we could afford it if we sold up here, neither of us will go while we have 3 parents over 75 and starting to slow down.

Your Dh is possibly angry partly because he realises that whilst he wants his mum looked after in a family home it is unlikely to happen, not least because he doesn't want to do the caring himself.

In fantasy land, he has a spouse who will absorb the needs of his ageing mum without it disrupting his world.

Nope

You could return to work then and let him care.

I don't think he's BU to expect if you have no children at home in the day (they will likely be in school when the time comes) to expect you to work or help with care rather than him carry all the burden.

I have worked in a care home for a number of years, so I do know what it entails and had elderly grandparents live with us. It is a huge commitment but pretty normal, I know lots of other people that have done that too. I do know what it entails, I am an accountant but I know how to do bed baths etc and 99% of it is not fun but the 1% when you go to bed at night and know you are doing your best for someone who cannot do it for themselves is there and know they

My Mum did if for her Dad too and it really was a final act of love, although it was so hard for them..

I think this will happen to us, that we will have one or two elderly relatives to live with us. I have a couple of uncles also who have no other family, so even more so, I would want to be able to help with their care too.

It isn't always the best solution, sometimes a home is the only answer in the end but I think it can work and when it does it is lovely. Dementia is of course the hardest because also the person can reject you on a daily basis which happened with my Grandad.

What I really think is that you have to look at all options and like everything what is right for one family is not for another. I would want to do this though. Sadly my Mum died already. My Dad remarried a younger woman, but I would definitely be there for him if things didn't work out for her, or she did not feel able to offer that support.

What I would want to do though is hire carers to come to the home and help. I think this would be cheaper than a care home and would allow me some freedom to shop, see friends and maybe even work... to pay for the carer probably.

We have a lot of family in Japan and it is totally the norm there.